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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933304">Rise with the Sun</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Futurejelly/pseuds/Futurejelly'>Futurejelly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adventure, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Revenge, Romance, Tragic Romance, transferred from ffn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:41:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>73,551</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933304</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Futurejelly/pseuds/Futurejelly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rei is a healer living in a small Earth Kingdom village, but she harbors a dangerous secret. When a certain injured prince needs her skills in healing, she has to confront her past and decide what it will mean for her future.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar)/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Identity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is transferred from my account at fanfiction.net. I love this story, and I will be making a couple of tweaks. I hope you guys like it! I know OCs are iffy, and be prepared for a lot of anger, angst, and not a very happy ending. However, I do think the ending is hopeful, and there are some laughs along the way. Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was just after sunset and a sudden pounding on my door startled me so much that the rice and vegetables I'd been eating went flying all over the table. Thank the spirits I hadn't been drinking my tea. Being the village healer, these calls weren't exactly out of the ordinary for me. Usually when there's a knock at my door at this time of night, it's someone sick or a small injury. The big accidents from the mine outside of town are always earlier in the day before the Fire Nation soldiers in charge of cracking the whip go home. I brushed some rice off my brown tunic and went to see which poor, reluctant soul needed the help of the crossbreed healer. With my hand on the door handle, whoever was on the other side of the door knocked again, louder, and shouted, "Please, please open up!"</p>
<p> I flung open the door to see a rather fat old man standing in my doorway. He was so wide that at first I didn't notice that he was supporting the weight of another man whose arm was slung around the thick neck. The next thing I noticed was the fact that the smaller man was covered in severe burns. His dark hair, though short to begin with, was singed almost to his scalp on the right side of his head; his chin was touching his chest, so I couldn't see his face. He was shirtless, and his torso was covered with angry red blisters and charred skin. I've seen this kind of injury before because of the occupation, but I'd never seen one so severe. I closed my mouth long enough to step aside and say to the big man, "Bring him in."</p>
<p>He did, hauling the dead weight of the injured man inside- he must have passed out long ago from the pain. The old man showed much more strength than I would have thought possible, and I was grateful because I don't think I would have been able to carry the injured man. I led him quickly back to my healing room and told the old man, "Lay him on this table, on either his back or his stomach, whichever side has less burns." The healing room is just a small alcove off of the main room, but it has a door, a window, and shelves surrounding the healing table in the center, which is all I've ever needed. I washed my hands and started to gather the herbs and salves used specifically for burns from the shelves lining the walls of the room.</p>
<p>"It's bad on both sides! Please, oh please help him." The old man sounded frantic, so he must have been close with the younger one. Maybe his father, or grandfather. Once I had the necessary equipment, I returned to the table to see he'd laid the patient down on his stomach. I checked the man's pulse and found it a little fast, but within normal range. Then I checked his breathing, which was labored but I wouldn't be able to get an accurate diagnosis until I took care of the pain.</p>
<p>"Are you his family?" I asked the old man.</p>
<p>"He's my nephew," he said, his voice thick. I looked up to see tears rolling from his panicked eyes.</p>
<p>"Okay," I told him. "You need to pull yourself together because I'll need your help with this."</p>
<p>The old man sniffed loudly and nodded. I took a deep, calming breath and then went into healing mode. "Okay. In that drawer, you'll find a length of cloth. Bring it out and soak it in that water basin. Most of these burns aren't too bad, the blistering looks worse than it is." I gestured to the one running along his mid-back and up his shoulder. "But this one looks deep, maybe into the fat. I'll need to get healing herbs in him right away and we're going to have to force him to stay hydrated so he can heal." As the old man got the cloth, I poured some of the water from the pitcher I always kept handy onto the burn. I thanked the spirits that he was still unconscious. Burns can be excruciating, though this part of him was burned so badly that the nerves might have been gone anyway. Still pouring water on the burn, I turned to the old man and said, "Now I need you to stoke the fire," I nodded toward the smoldering fireplace to his left, "and get a pot of water to boil. The pot is in the kitchen next to the table and the well is immediately out back." He scurried out of the room without question. It wasn't completely necessary to get the water boiling just then, but what comes next is often hard for family members to see. To prevent infection, dead skin has to be cut away from a burn. I said a silent prayer that the man wouldn't wake up, and set to slicing the blackened skin away.</p>
<p>It was never a good idea to have a concerned loved one sitting idle while I tried to heal someone, anyway. The well took a long time to pump, something I'd been grateful for on more than one occasion; it was a great distraction for frantic family members. I'd gotten all the dead skin off of the wound before the old man rushed back in, slopping water all over the floor. The fire sizzled as the old man hauled the dripping pot onto the boiling-hook.</p>
<p>I'd just started putting the anti-infection herbs on his back when the man woke. Understandably, the first thing he did was moan in pain. The left side of his face was pressed into the table so that he was facing me, the fire illuminating his features. At the pained sound from the patient, his uncle moved to kneel in front of him so that their faces were eye-level. "Nephew," the old man said, his voice shaking, "you're alright. This woman's a healer. She's helping you." He put a wrinkled hand against the man's cheek.</p>
<p>The nephew's jaw was clenched against the pain, it seemed he was determined to keep from making any more noise. I thought it was a stupid display of pride, but I was impressed at his restraint nonetheless. I myself knew how badly burns can hurt, and I expected him to be screaming. I finally finished putting the salve on all of the affected areas of his back, securing the light fabric I bought especially for burns to the blisters. "Is he a bender?" I asked the uncle. </p>
<p>His eyes darted up to mine. "Why does that matter?"</p>
<p>"Benders heal faster. It tells me if I need to risk covering the deeper wounds. If he's a bender, I will leave them open so the new skin doesn't grow around any bandages."</p>
<p>The man paused for a moment before saying, "He's a bender."</p>
<p>I nodded, understanding his hesitation. The soldiers were rounding up earth benders- too much of a threat to their occupation. A whiff that there was a bender here, and this man would be thrown in prison, injured or not. I leaned down so that the nephew wouldn't have to strain to see me as I said, "Now I need to treat your other side. We have to get you turned over, and it's going to hurt. Once you're on your back, we'll get you something for the pain." The man gulped, but nodded. I turned to his uncle. "I need your help steadying him as we turn him so that we don't rupture the blisters."</p>
<p>The injured man helped as much as he could, pushing down on the table with his arms so that we didn't have to lift his whole weight, but he was very weak. A pained hiss escaped him as the muscles strained, stretching the burns on his back and chest. Working as a team, the three of us finally got him propped up on his uninjured shoulder. He was facing away from me, so that when he finally tried to turn over onto his back, I had to support almost all of his weight. Unfortunately, at the moment he tried to turn, his strength left him completely. I was left to support his entire body using only my forearms, and my right hand ended up pushing directly on the blisters I had just bandaged. This time he did scream in agony before mercifully passing out again. I winced at knowing how much pain he was in, but I finally got him settled on his back. I spared a glance at his face, but didn't immediately notice more than the fact that he was younger than I thought he was, and he had a large scar taking up almost the entire left side. He was a young man, younger than me, even. He couldn't have been more than nineteen. His chest was well built and muscular, obviously well fed and fit.</p>
<p>As I was telling the old man to do some inane job to get him out of the room again, something tugged at my memory. All over town, posters were pasted to buildings and food carts. Two fugitives of the Fire Nation were in the Earth Kingdom and had been rumored to be sighted only thirty kilometers from here. One was a banished prince with a distinctive scar on his face; the other was an old man, a disgraced war general. I froze, my gaze fixed on the scar obscuring the handsome face on my healing table. The old man was waiting for me to finish telling him his task when I fell silent. He lifted his eyebrows and said urgently, "What do you need me to do?"</p>
<p>I blinked and shook my head. Regardless of who these people were, I was a healer and they needed my help. The prince would die of infection or dehydration before he got to another healer. "I need you to get me the jar labeled "Pain" on the shelf behind you, it's a tea. Put it in one of the cups there," I pointed to the mantle above the fireplace where the teacups were lined up, "and pour boiling water in it. Let it steep for three minutes and—"</p>
<p>"Trust me, I know how to brew tea." With that, he was moving with confidence around the room. I set to repeating the process I'd used on the nephew's back. Once his injuries were all salved and bandaged, I looked over my work for patches that I'd missed or bandages that were soaked through already. Satisfied that I'd done all I could for the burns themselves, I shuddered at what I knew came next.</p>
<p>The uncle set the tea down on the small table under the window situated above the patient's head. I looked at the old man and said, "Now we have to wake him up so he can drink that."</p>
<p>The man looked at me in confusion. "If he's already asleep, why should we wake him to give him a pain treatment?"</p>
<p>"It's not the pain medication he needs now, but the water. A lot of his skin has been damaged, which means that water can seep out of the wounds. If we don't keep him hydrated, he won't be able to heal and he could die."</p>
<p>The old man grimaced, but nodded. He leaned over his nephew's face and said, "Nephew. You have to wake." He gently shook his uninjured shoulder, one of the only uninjured patches of skin from the young man's waist, up. It took a while, but the young man finally woke with another moan.</p>
<p>"Uncle," the young man croaked. I thought his voice must have been raw from screaming.</p>
<p>The old man squeezed his nephew's shoulder. "You need to drink some tea."</p>
<p>The young man sighed softly before rasping, "Uncle, I don't need tea. I need to sleep."</p>
<p>I stepped forward so that the man could look up at me as I said, "No, we need to keep you hydrated. You're losing fluids from your wounds."</p>
<p>He blinked at me and said, "Who are you?" The distrust was obvious in his voice.</p>
<p>Before I could reply, the old man said, "This is the woman who just saved your life. We can trust her."</p>
<p>I wasn't sure how to arrange my face to look more innocent, but I tried. I guess it was the healer in me that always wanted people to feel at ease around me. I smiled at the young man and said, "You can call me Rei. I make the tea myself. It has a special blend of herbs that dulls the senses. It'll help you sleep through the night."</p>
<p>I asked the old man to help hold his nephew's head while I tipped the tea into his mouth. After he gulped the first sip, he coughed weakly. "That's awful," he said.</p>
<p>I chuckled. "Yeah, I've heard that before, but people always ask for the recipe after the effects kick in." The old man laughed. His relief was tangible now that his nephew was through the worst of it.</p>
<p>Once he'd drained the cup of tea, I told his Uncle to fetch a pitcher of cool water from the well. One cup of tea wouldn't be enough to keep him hydrated. Once he was out of the room, I grabbed a pillow from under the table. "I'm going to lift your head," I told him. He tried to help me, but he winced once the burn on his neck was stretched. "No, let me," I said. He stopped straining and let his head fall into the crook of my arm with a sigh. Our faces were almost touching as I leaned over him to try to arrange the pillow under his head. To my everlasting shame, I blushed. Something about those eyes, I'd never seen eyes that shade of gold before. Even with one of them permanently narrowed, they were beautiful, and they were fixed on my face. When his uncle walked back into the room with the pitcher, I jerked away from him with my jaw clenched in embarrassment. The old man wore a smirk that had me wondering if maybe I should "accidentally" spill tea on him.</p>
<p>Midway into the third cup of water, the young man fell asleep. I retrieved a blanket from under the table and laid it over his legs, leaving his torso bare. I opened the shutters so the night air from the window could help cool his skin. I silently gestured for the uncle to follow me into the main part of my house. I lived by myself when there wasn't a patient in the healing room. As a result, my small house was really just one giant room. The area next to the healing room that housed my small sleeping pallet was screened off from the main living room/kitchen by two green folding panels. Sometimes I was embarrassed by the sparseness of my home, but then I thought that it would be more embarrassing to live with far more than I needed. My mother always told me to earn what I have and not to live to impress others. I put the batch of now cold rice and vegetables I had been eating back on the fire, along with a pot of tea. "Please, sit," I told the old man.</p>
<p>Once we were both seated at the table, I asked him, "So, what can I call you two?" I tried to phrase that delicately so it didn't sound like an interrogation. I'd imagined these two were kind of suspicious of people who asked their names, but the old man smiled at me.</p>
<p>"I'm Mushi. My nephew's name is Lee."</p>
<p>I smiled. "Mushi?"</p>
<p>"My mother had a great sense of humor," he said, patting his sizeable belly. We both laughed until a knock at the door sobered us like a splash of cold water. I gestured for him to go back into the room with his nephew, which he did, closing the door behind him. Luckily, I always closed the windows on the house after sunset, so whoever was at the door wouldn't have been able to see into the room.</p>
<p>The knock sounded at the door again, followed by, "Rei, open up." I'd know that voice anywhere. Kenshin, the captain of the Fire Nation occupying force stationed here. My stomach dropped to the floor at the realization. I took a deep breath and glanced back towards the closed door of the healing room before sliding my front door open just enough to peek through.</p>
<p>I gave Kenshin the brightest smile I could and said, "Captain Kenshin. This is a surprise."</p>
<p>"Evening, Rei," he said with a sneer. Let me be clear on my relationship with the Fire Nation soldiers. I was afraid of them, like everyone else was. I also hated them, like everyone else did. Kenshin was an especially disgusting representative of why I hated them. He was about forty, with a neatly trimmed neck beard and black eyes. He knew all about my parentage by a traitor Fire Nation soldier and a lowly Earth Kingdom woman, no matter that she was a skilled healer. As such, he treated me with extreme superiority. "We've been tracking a pair of fugitives tonight. You wouldn't happen to have seen any strangers around, have you?" he said, his eyes raking down the front of my shirt. I didn't think he would actually consider having sex with me, but he delighted in making me feel uncomfortable. My jaw clenched without my permission.</p>
<p>"Nope, I'm just finishing up my supper."</p>
<p>"I only ask because we injured one of them pretty bad in a fight. They managed to escape on an ostrich-horse after the other one blasted a couple trees to block our path. We figured they wouldn't get very far until they'd seen a healer…" he trailed off, his eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>"Well, I haven't—"</p>
<p>Just then, one of Kenshin's flunkies ran up to him and said breathlessly, "Sir, one of the men just spotted an ostrich-horse running toward the mountains."</p>
<p>Without even a backward glance, Kenshin and the other men jumped on their Komodo Rhinos and sped off toward the mountains. I sighed in relief, but said under my breath, "Oh no problem, Kenshin. Glad I could help, it's not like you interrupted."</p>
<p>When I turned back into the room, sliding the door closed behind me, I found Mushi staring at me with a stunned expression from the doorway of the healing room. "You… know who we are?" he breathed.</p>
<p>I lifted the corner of my mouth in a wry smile. "Let's face it, you're not too hard to recognize, General."</p>
<p>He gave a surprised chuckle. "No, I suppose not… but then, why would you help us?"</p>
<p>"I figure anyone the Fire Nation is hunting, is someone who deserves my help."</p>
<p>He chewed my words over for a long time before he nodded and moved toward the fire. He took the pot of rice off the hook and placed it in the middle of the table. Then, he took care of the tea while I sat at the table, suddenly exhausted. We shared a nice dinner together, outcast and fugitive.</p>
<p>Once we'd finished our meal and the dishes were washed, we sat in a comfortable silence at the table, sipping our tea and watching the fire. After a while, Mushi cleared his throat and said quietly, "I don't know how we can ever thank you for what you did tonight."</p>
<p>I smiled at him and said, "I love healing; it's what I do. You don't need to thank me for doing what I'm meant to do."</p>
<p>"You are truly lucky to know where you belong."</p>
<p>I snorted at that. "I know what I'm supposed to do, but I didn't say I want to do it here."</p>
<p>His eyebrows knitted together at the bitterness in my words. "Then why do you stay? A healer could certainly find a welcoming home anywhere."</p>
<p>"Well, this house belonged to my mother. It's all I have left of her, this house and my training. Plus, I want to leave so I can escape the Fire Nation soldiers… but there is no escaping the Fire Nation anymore, is there?"</p>
<p>The old man gave me a sad, level stare. "I don't know, my dear… Your mother was a healer as well?"</p>
<p>I nodded. "Yes. The best in the Western Earth Kingdom, I'm told. She learned at the university in Ba Sing Se."</p>
<p>"You must be very proud."</p>
<p>I took a long drink of tea before answering. When I did, I couldn't quite keep the disgust out of my voice as I said, "She was a great healer." I set down my tea and rose to my feet. "Well, Mushi, I imagine you're very tired, and so am I. There's a sleeping mat just outside the back door, you can set it up wherever you'd like. Good night." I bowed to him and disappeared behind my green panels before he could even bow back. I know it was rude, but I hated talking about my mother. It's not that I hated her, but I just couldn't reconcile the woman I remembered with what I knew she'd done. She subjected herself and her daughter to a life of ridicule and solitude, and I wasn't even sure why. I dressed for bed quickly, but lay awake for along time, thinking. I listened to Mushi rummaging around for the cot and finally setting it up in front of the door to the room where his nephew was sleeping. Then, after his great weight settled on the cot with a few groans, he belched loudly and finally started to snore, and not very softly. I chuckled and wondered what this man could have done to warrant a wanted poster from the Fire Nation. I probably should have found that out before I let the two in my house, but I meant what I said before. If the Fire Nation thought they did something treasonous, then whatever they did must have been something good. To my very great surprise, I drifted off to sleep while listening to the old man's thunderous snores.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>The sun was streaming through the cracks in the window shutters when a loud crash from the healing room woke me up. I jerked to my feet, hair a mess and still in my loose sleeping pants and shirt, and ran towards the healing room. I tripped over Mushi, who was trying to roll onto his knees in front of the door. I flung open the door to find Lee lying on the floor, surrounded by broken jars and dishes. He was breathing hard, I assumed from the pain. I rushed over to him and tried to support his head with my hand. He looked up at me with eyes filled with pain.</p>
<p>"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I scolded him.</p>
<p>He gasped before saying, "I had to use the bathroom. I sat up fine, but I got lightheaded when I stood."</p>
<p>I looked him over quickly. "That's because you're not drinking enough water. You've ruptured a lot of your blisters. We have to get you back on the table so I can redress them."</p>
<p>"But I still have to use the bathroom!"</p>
<p>"I don't have one. You'd have to walk all the way to the outhouse, and you can't make it on your own. I have bedpans—"</p>
<p>He glared at me before saying, "I'm not using a bedpan."</p>
<p>Damn men and their stupid pride. Before I could reply, his uncle finally stepped into the room and knelt at his nephew's feet. There wasn't room for him to get any closer. "Zuko! What were you thinking, why didn't you call for me?"</p>
<p>"Uncle!" The prince's eyes were furious as he glared at his uncle and then glanced at me to see if I'd caught the slip.</p>
<p>Iroh said, "She already knows who we are."</p>
<p>Zuko's narrowed eyes searched my face. "Then why—"</p>
<p>I cut him off, "I'm not answering any questions until you get back on that table. I've spent a lot of good medicine on you and I won't have it wasted by you killing yourself." I tried to give him my best no-nonsense expression.</p>
<p>His uncle chuckled and said, "I would listen to her, Zuko. She controls your pain treatment."</p>
<p>Zuko met my challenging stare with one of his own. "I'm going to the outhouse first. My uncle can help me."</p>
<p>I rolled my eyes in exasperation and said, "Fine, but if you pass out again, just know that I'll be the one picking pebbles out of your burns. And I can decide how much pain that will cause."</p>
<p>The corner of his mouth lifted in an appreciative smile. "Noted."</p>
<p>With his uncle's help, the two of them made it out my back door. Because a healer needs room to grow an herb garden, my house is well outside of town. Also, when I boil and mix the herbs into various medicines, it can really stink. My mother had the foresight to build the house in the middle of the woods, off the beaten track and far from the other townsfolk. So, I wasn't worried about anyone spotting the pair as they made their way to the outhouse. While they were gone, I put the water on the fire to boil for his tea. I said a prayer of thanks that he didn't smash the jar holding the pain mixture, then I set to cleaning up the mess the prince had made. I winced at losing so many herbs, but there was nothing I could do. I saved some that had fallen into piles, but a lot of it was mixed and you don't want to have unknown combinations in the medicine. I'd just finished pouring the last of it into the garbage bin when my patient and his uncle came slowly ambling into the room again. Zuko was behind his uncle, and I could see Iroh wincing at the death grip his nephew had on his shoulders. Zuko was staring at his feet and watching as they took each slow step. I washed my hands before moving to help Zuko sit on the edge of the table. I let my hand hover over his back, waiting to help him if he needed it, but he didn't. When he was finally seated and looked up to meet my eyes, I could see that he was in agony. "Can you stay sitting up like that?" I asked him.</p>
<p>He nodded and seemed to concentrate on just taking deep, steady breaths. I could hear his breath shake from the pain. I hurriedly brewed his tea and held it to his lips so he could drink. Instead, he reached to take the cup from me. I lifted my eyebrows but didn't say anything. If he wanted to cause himself more pain just so he didn't look weak, that was his right. While he drank the tea, I set to work removing the bandages on the shallower burns. All the ones on his back were ruptured, of course. I shook my head and told him I would have to wash his back to prevent infection. I keep my healing room very clean, but I didn't want to risk him picking anything up from his fall to the floor.</p>
<p>His uncle leaned against the side of the fireplace, watching me work. I glanced up at him before turning my attention to his nephew's back again. "So," I asked him, "do I call you Mushi or Iroh?"</p>
<p>I heard the smile in his voice as he said, "I think you can call me Iroh."</p>
<p>Zuko said, "I don't think that's a good idea."</p>
<p>"Well, your fake name isn't 'Mushi'," said Iroh with a chuckle. "Besides, there's no one around to hear."</p>
<p>I smiled at him and said, "Well, Iroh, I think you passed the chicken coop when you went outside? There should be some eggs this morning if you want to get breakfast started."</p>
<p>"Ah, eggs sound delicious," he said as he walked out of the room.</p>
<p>As I reapplied the salve to his back, I saw Zuko glance at the garbage bin. He sighed softly and said very reluctantly, "Sorry I guess. You know, for… that."</p>
<p>I couldn't help but smile at how uncomfortable he sounded. "I'm going to take a shot in the dark and assume you aren't very used to apologizing for things."</p>
<p>"Well, I did apologize, didn't I?" he snapped. I lifted my eyebrows at his back and stayed silent. After a while, he sighed again, with more force. "I mean," he said quietly, "I guess I'm not."</p>
<p>"It's ok. I have an herb garden so it won't be too hard to replace what I lost." I finished up the last bandage on his back, once again leaving the deep wounds open to the air.</p>
<p>I moved around the table to work on washing his chest. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn't want to be caught in that gaze again, especially not while I had to be his healer.</p>
<p>"How long will it take to heal?" he asked.</p>
<p>I shrugged without taking my eyes from his burn. "It depends. You're a bender, so the process will be a bit faster than for someone normal, but the one across your chest and the one across your back and up your shoulder are very deep." I applied the salve to the severe burn on his chest. "Did you feel that?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>I nodded. "Your nerve endings have been destroyed." I finally looked up at him to say, "You'll have some pretty severe scarring."</p>
<p>The corner of his mouth lifted into a humorless smile as he said, "I'm used to that."</p>
<p>Caught in his gaze again, I lifted my hand to hover above the red skin next to his eye. "Do you mind?" I asked. He shook his head. Lightly, I ran my fingertips across the puckered skin. I think I stopped breathing as I examined the scar. He was lucky he didn't lose his eye. The scar was years old; he must have gotten it long before he was a fugitive of the Fire Nation. I wondered how a prince could have suffered such a horrible injury.</p>
<p>"Why are you doing this?" he asked.</p>
<p>I removed my hand and went back to applying the salve to his burns. "It's like I told your uncle, if you guys are wanted by the Fire Nation, it must have been for doing something good."</p>
<p>"You're saying that anything the Fire Nation approves of is wrong?"</p>
<p>I nodded. "I've never seen them do anything that benefitted other people. I have to assume that they just naturally hate everything good."</p>
<p>"Not everyone from the Fire Nation is evil," he said, offended.</p>
<p>"If I believed they were, I wouldn't have let you in my house. I don't think every person from the Fire Nation is evil, just the vast majority of those I've met." I secured a bandage with a little more force than was necessary, and I heard his sharp intake of breath. "Sorry," I muttered. I heard Iroh banging around in the kitchen and I said, "I'm going to go help with breakfast. I want you to drink plenty of water and rest. If you need anything, call me." I put the pitcher of water on the table next to him, along with a full cup. I turned to leave.</p>
<p>"What's your name?" he said as I reached the door.</p>
<p>"Rei. I told you last night, but you were kind of in and out."</p>
<p>He nodded and said quietly, "Thank you, Rei." I gave him a small smile before leaving the room, leaving the door open so I could hear if he called.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>The next two days passed much in the same way. Zuko was healing even faster than I thought he would, and I had to admit that I would be sorry to see them go. Once I showed Iroh around the kitchen and the gardens, he delighted in preparing the food and cleaning up the house. I was happy with this arrangement because, to be honest, I hate cleaning. It also left me with plenty of spare time to try to work out the enigma that was his nephew. I'd make sure Zuko was drinking plenty of water and not too much of the pain tea, and I'd ask him about the Fire Nation and all the places he'd travelled to. I really wanted to know the story of his banishment and how he'd become a fugitive, but I had a feeling he wouldn't want to talk about it. I'd never been more than 20 kilometers from this village, so I was eager to hear about the world. I thought he'd get irritated by my questions, but with nothing else to occupy his time except thinking about his pain, he seemed grateful for the company. Still, he hardly ever smiled unless it was twisted in irony. I found myself wondering what it would look like to see him really smile.</p>
<p>On the third night they stayed with me, Iroh was already snoring in the main house and I was sitting on a stool next to the fireplace in the healing room while Zuko sat on the edge of the table. I was asking him, if everything in the Northern Water Kingdom is made of ice, whether or not the beds melt when you sleep on them. He smirked and was about to answer when the cup he'd been holding slipped out of his grasp. Without thinking about it, he bent quickly to catch it. A bender's reflexes are incredible, but I was worried that the sudden movement would have torn the fresh skin on his back. I stepped quickly to his side, immediately putting my hand on his back to make sure that his skin was still intact. My other hand was resting on his shoulder, and I felt it when he turned his head to look at me. "I'm fine," he said. I looked up from where my hand rested on his back to see that his face was inches from mine. My eyes went wide and I froze. I saw his eyes flick down to my lips before he closed the distance and pressed his lips to mine.</p>
<p>I felt the heat from his breath, so much warmer than a normal man's, against my mouth. His hand slid from the tabletop to my back, pressing me closer to him as his mouth moved against mine. Just as I was about to lose myself to the sensation, my father's face came into my mind. Zuko's hair was the same shade of dark black-brown that his was. I remembered my father pressing his lips to my forehead- his breath had the same heat. A firebender's heat. Then a long-forgotten memory of my father giving my mother a kiss beside the herb garden while I, just a child then, watched from the window. My mouth stilled against Zuko's as I thought, "I'm just like her." I jerked my face from his lips and tried to step away, but his hand was insistent against my back. He looked confused as he said, "What's wrong?"</p>
<p>I shook my head and tried to step away again, and was stopped again. "I just- I can't do this."</p>
<p>His hand tried to bring me close again. "Rei, I won't hurt you…"</p>
<p>I was starting to panic as his face came close to mine again. Visions of my father trying to fight back against the other firebenders flew before my eyes. His fists sending flames at one after another, but there were too many and before I could close my eyes, the captain sent a deadly blade of fire into his heart. My mother screamed beside me. Zuko's arm suddenly felt like a prison and I lost touch with where I was. Panicked, I pushed against his shoulders and to my horror, I felt the heat from my chest rush down my arms and a small burst of fire erupted from my palms. I heard him grunt in pain, but the tears were flowing fast now, and I turned and ran out of the house towards the woods, sparks still flying from my hands.</p>
<p>I ran until the trees were thick around me and fell sobbing to my knees. I buried my smoldering palms in the loose dirt to try and extinguish the flames. I felt the cold earth around my fingers and wished with all my heart that I could have been born an earthbender, or at least a normal person, someone who doesn't have to be tied to an element, just a healer from a small Earth Kingdom village… someone whose life the Fire Nation never touched. I tried to calm down, to slow my heart, but it continued to slam against my chest as the memories refused to fade. I don't know how long I sat there, but the moon was high when I heard footsteps behind me. They were slow and shuffling, so I knew without turning that it was Zuko. When they stopped behind me, I said, "You shouldn't be walking so far."</p>
<p>"You aren't really that far from the house." When I had first heard him speak, I thought his voice was raspy from screaming, but I think it's always been that way. When he speaks quietly, his voice scratches like leaves across stone. "You're a firebender," he said.</p>
<p>I squeezed my eyes shut against the shame. "Don't call me that," I whispered. The tears flooded my eyes again.</p>
<p>"Why?" He sounded confused. "It's a gift to be a—"</p>
<p>"It's a curse!" I ground out through my teeth. "I hate it. I hadn't done it in years, then you come along and…" I pulled my hands out of the earth to see my palms were still smoking.</p>
<p>"I don't understand. Why wouldn't you want this?" Of course he wouldn't understand. He was a prince of the Fire Nation and to be a firebender was the greatest honor there was in his eyes.</p>
<p>My ears were ringing at how tightly my jaw was clenched as I stared down at my hands. "Because it forever ties me to the Fire Nation." I took a deep breath and rose to my feet, turning to face him. I curled my hands into fists and tried to concentrate on calming down. I looked at his purposefully blank stare and my heart finally slowed. I glanced down to see that smoke had stopped rising from my fists and relaxed my jaw. I could feel the tears falling, but didn't do anything to stop them.</p>
<p>His eyes moved down my body, I assumed examining my green Earth Kingdom clothes, before he said, "How is it possible?"</p>
<p>As I grew calmer, I felt exhaustion creeping in. With a sad, tired smile, I said, "I won't answer any questions until you're back on the table."</p>
<p>He didn't smile, but he nodded and moved to the side so I could pass. When I paused next to him, he put a hand on my shoulder to take some of his weight while we walked back to the house. I thought I'd gotten much farther into the woods, but he was right- I hadn't gotten more than a few feet. Just outside the door, I heard Iroh's snores still thundering through the house. "He can sleep through anything, can't he?" I said.</p>
<p>Zuko smirked toward his uncle as we walked past him. "I once saw him fall asleep in an engine room."</p>
<p>Once we got Zuko sitting back on the table, I took a deep breath and steeled myself to look at the damage I'd done. Two hand-sized burns were now glaring at me from above his collarbones. I ran a hand across my cheeks to wipe away the tears and set to salving the burns, but before I could open the jar, Zuko's hand covered mine. "Tell me," he said, and his voice sounded like he was used to people following his orders.</p>
<p>I shook my head, my eyes still on his hand as it rested on mine, but whispered, "My father was a firebender and a traitor. He was part of the original occupying force in our village, back when my mother had just set up her practice here. He was the one who was sent to inspect her home, and I guess they fell in love."</p>
<p>"Was she an earthbender?" Zuko asked, confusion in his voice.</p>
<p>"No, just a healer."</p>
<p>Zuko paused before saying, "Then that's not illegal. Why would he be a traitor?"</p>
<p>"Because he tried to desert. My mother told me that he started to resent what the Fire Nation stood for, the things it had made him do. They kept their relationship secret, so when his unit moved on, he snuck away and hid here in disguise." Zuko stayed silent after that. I guessed he didn't want to tell me his actual opinion on deserters, which I found interesting considering his current status to the Fire Nation. "They actually lived a few years in peace… even had me." I took my hand out from under Zuko's and deliberately set to work on the burns I'd caused. I thought he would be satisfied with what I'd told him. My story's really not that different from thousands of other stories you'll hear in taverns across the Earth Kingdom. Some of the details are very different, but the ending is always the same: The Fire Nation destroyed my family. It gets to be so that you don't even get more than a sympathetic glance. Usually, you just get: "Yeah, whose family haven't they destroyed?" Traitors aren't well liked in the Fire Nation. They're not too well liked anywhere, but the Fire Nation really hates them, just like they hate everything else. Sometimes I wonder how my father ever learned not to hate. I never got to ask him, and my mother didn't like to talk about it.</p>
<p>We'd both been quiet for so long that I jumped when Zuko said, "I still don't understand why you freaked out like that."</p>
<p>I blinked and widened my eyes at the bluntness of his remark. Offended, I said, "I freaked out because you reminded me of my father. Then I started thinking about the day he was killed and I… I don't know, I just… I hate firebenders."</p>
<p>"He was killed?"</p>
<p>I finished bandaging his burns while I thought about whether or not to keep talking. It was strange, I was offended by his frank curiosity and lack of sympathy, but also intrigued because he wasn't pitying me. I didn't get the usual "Yeah, it happens" or the less common but certainly heard of "Oh, you poor thing. Cry on my shoulder until I can decide whether or not your family deserved what it went through," but he was honest. Simply put, he just wanted to know. Everyone else in town knew my story, so I've never really talked about it. The soldiers here spread it as a cautionary tale. I guess the townsfolk did too and I can't blame them. I know if I ever had a daughter, the first lesson I would teach her would be to never get too close to any of the soldiers.</p>
<p>"Yeah," I continued slowly, "the new captain finally discovered us all. He was ambushed in front of the house. He tried to fight, but there were so many. My mother was whipped for harboring a criminal and my father was buried outside of town." Zuko grimaced a little bit. It's the lowest dishonor for a Fire Nation citizen to be buried instead of cremated. My mother and I didn't mind, though. Earth Kingdom citizens are always buried. "I was four… I thought I'd forgotten it."</p>
<p>Zuko was quiet for a long time after I finished. I started to put the herbs away and leave the room when he said, "You shouldn't bury it, you know."</p>
<p>I turned back and asked, "What do you mean?"</p>
<p>"Your bending. Everything. The reason it bursts out and hurts you is because you don't address it."</p>
<p>I blinked. "Thanks for your advice, but there's a reason I don't bend. There's a reason I don't think about my parents."</p>
<p>He looked at me with a patient stare and said, "That doesn't make sense. You could be so much more than a healer. If you embrace your anger instead of keeping it locked up—"</p>
<p>I threw my hands up and yelled, "I don't want to be more than a healer! I don't want to be angry!"</p>
<p>"But you are more than a healer, and you are angry! Don't you get it? Denying those things won't make them go away, it'll only make them control you more." His voice was rising to match my angry one.</p>
<p>"Thanks, but I don't need advice from some banished fire prince with a superiority complex. Drink your damn tea and get better. The sooner you're healed, the sooner you can leave." With that, I turned on my heel and slammed the door behind me. Iroh's snores had stopped and I was sure the old man had heard everything, but I was past caring. I curled up on my pallet and tried to keep my tears silent, only allowing an occasional sniffle. I listened for Zuko stirring in the healing room, half hoping he would come out after me and apologize. Then I remembered that I didn't care what he did anymore… It was a long time before I calmed down enough for sleep to envelop me.</p>
<p>The next morning I woke later than usual. The sun was already flooding the room, but I lay there and listened for the sounds of my housemates. It was only my attempt to prolong the inevitable- I knew they were gone. He probably would have woken his uncle not long after I fell asleep and left quietly in the night. I rose with a sigh and wiped a tear roughly off my cheek, angry at myself. I looked in the healing room and the first thing I noticed was that the jar of pain herbs was gone, as was a good amount of my bandages. I was feeing strangely numb and couldn't quite summon the anger at being robbed by these men that I'd helped so much. I knew that if I checked the kitchen I would find some food missing, maybe a kettle or two gone. I thanked the spirits that I didn't have an ostrich-horse for them to steal.</p>
<p>I smelled smoke and looked down to see it curling from my palms. The tears rolled fresh down my cheeks and I sank to the floor and let the sadness take me, my hands held out in front of me, the smoke twirling endlessly upwards.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Truce</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warning: Some violence and implied sexual assault in this chapter. If you'd like to skip it, I separated the section with little lines.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"No, no, no," I whimpered, staring at the sparks rising from my hands. I ran across the kitchen and shoved my hands into the washbasin, trying to control my breathing. This time, I hadn't even been doing anything stressful, or even out of the ordinary. Ever since my outburst with Zuko, it was like all my control over my (it was hard to even think the word) bending… had been obliterated. When an animal in the woods startled me, my hands would smolder, itching to release a stream of defensive fire. When I dropped a dish or tripped over a rug and my heart rate increased, the smoke would rise immediately, as if my subconscious was now on edge, preparing for anything that could potentially be a threat. I'd been trying some stress-relief exercises and they seemed to help. I'd feel the heat begin in my chest and I would sit down right where I was and breathe, think calming thoughts and focus on the breath going in and out of my body. Usually, it worked almost immediately. The sparks would disappear and the smoke would grow thinner. This time, however, caught me by surprise. At least when I dropped a dish or heard something in the woods, I could tell myself that the rush of awareness triggered my fire. This time, though, I'd just been folding some newly made bandages. It was getting harder and harder for me to predict, and even harder for me to control.</p>
<p>It had been almost a week since my two houseguests had left. The intervening time after Zuko and his uncle left was almost painfully quiet and empty. I did what I could to stay busy, but Iroh was a big personality, and even though Zuko didn't say much, he still had a commanding presence. My mind drifted back to the last night they were with me, and every time I thought of his lips on mine, the smell of smoke would flood the air and I'd have to clear my mind, or at least bury my hands in dirt or water, whichever was closer.</p>
<p>The bandages were strewn over my dining table and my hands were still soaking in the washbasin when a knock sounded at my door. I cursed softly, looking anxiously at my hands under the water, but I couldn't tell if they were back to normal. I stayed quiet, hoping against hope that whoever it was didn't need me to heal anything. However, there's really not any other reason that someone would come to see me. As whoever it was knocked again, I took a deep breath and pulled my hands slowly out of the water. I sagged with relief when I saw that they were back to their unthreatening state. If any of the people from town knew my secret, it would be the end of my healing career, in this village at least. It would be very difficult to establish myself in another town the way I have here, and it takes years for an herb garden to produce as much as mine was now. I wiped my hands on the cloth lying next to the basin and went to answer the door.</p>
<p>It was Jaela, a woman I'd met once or twice in town, and her young son. I didn't know her well, but she was always kind to me, outwardly at least. She was a thin woman, and always seemed to look tired. I guess it was because of the little ball of energy she had restrained by his shirt collar. Her son had the same tan skin and brown hair as his mother, but he looked darker due to the film of dirt he was covered in. Jaela gave me a tired smile and said, "Hello, Rei. My son skinned his knee on some rocks today. It isn't bad, but I don't want to take the risk of it festering."</p>
<p>I looked down at the boy's knee and noticed a trickle of blood making its way down his shin. "Of course. I'll just get it cleaned and put some anti-infection herbs on it. Right through here." I led them into my healing room, trying hard not to think about its last occupant.</p>
<p>"Mother, I don't want to!" the boy whined.</p>
<p>"Now Sinja, I told you not to go near the mine. You fell because you disobeyed your mama, and now you have to pay for it." With that, Jaela lifted the boy up onto the table, where he sat with his arms crossed and a pout on his face. I smirked as I filled the basin with fresh water from the pitcher and gathered the right herbs.</p>
<p>I finally settled on the stool and scooted up in front of the boy, his mother's hand rested on his shoulder to keep him still. To distract him while I washed out his wound, I asked, "So Sinja, how did you skin your knee?"</p>
<p>"My friend and me were practicing our swords," he said, eyeing my wash rag carefully. I glanced up at him again. He couldn't have been more than six, far too young to begin learning swordplay.</p>
<p>"Your swords?" I started to wipe away the dirt and pebbles that were stuck to the skin with rocks. He cried out and tried to squirm away, but his mother held him in place. "Where did you get swords?"</p>
<p>The boy was whimpering, but still answered my question. "Well, they're not real swords. They're just sticks, but we pretend. We want to be ready for when the Avatar comes and needs us to fight!" he finished proudly.</p>
<p>"Sinja!" his mother scolded, "What did I tell you about talking like that?"</p>
<p>"It's alright," I told her. I finished cleaning out the wound and put the paste of anti-infection herbs on the scrape. The mixture doesn't sting, so Sinja was much more relaxed. "You know, Sinja, the Avatar hasn't been seen in a hundred years."</p>
<p>The boy rolled his eyes at me. "Don't you know anything? He's back! Everyone in town is talking about it. He defeated the Fire Nation up north!"</p>
<p>Being somewhat removed from the town gossip, I was taken aback by his confidence. I took a couple deep breaths and concentrated on quelling the heat that always seemed to bubble just below the surface now. I glanced toward Jaela to ascertain how much of her son's statement was imagination, but she was just glaring at her son. I finished the treatment on his leg and stood, holding out a hand to help the boy off the table. He hopped down and ran immediately out the front door and attempted to climb a tree. I sent a silent thanks toward the spirits for keeping my hands cool as I treated him. I walked Jaela to the door and said, "I know it'll be hard, but just try to keep it clean. It isn't deep and should already be scabbed over by tomorrow. If you get nervous about it, please come back to see me."</p>
<p>"Thank you, Rei." She put two coppers in my hand, which I accepted. "I'm sure we'll be back," she said with a sigh as we both watched Sinja fall out of the tree and bounce right back up for another try.</p>
<p>She'd taken a step outside my door when I said, "Jaela, wait." She turned back, her eyebrows raised. "I was just wondering about what Sinja said… about the Avatar?"</p>
<p>Jaela ran a nervous hand over her hair. "Oh, yes. There have been some rumors that the Avatar was sighted up near the North Pole. However, I wouldn't put too much stock in those stories. They're just wishful thinking. I've told Sinja to put it out of his mind, but he's as stubborn as his father was."</p>
<p>My smile must have seemed a bit distracted as I asked, "When do they say he was sighted?"</p>
<p>"Oh, not long ago. Maybe a couple weeks." Jaela was obviously anxious to leave as her son fell out of the tree a second time and headed into the woods, away from the path to town. "Sinja!" she scolded. The boy turned back toward his mother and after a quick goodbye from Jaela, they headed down the path, her hand firm on his shoulder. I didn't mind, my thoughts were already turning to a conversation I had a week ago. Zuko had been telling me about his travels to the North Pole. He never said exactly why he went there, just that he was ordered to. If the rumors were true, Zuko would have been there around the same time as the Avatar. My mother had told me stories about the Avatar, the wonderful things he or she could do, but so much time had passed since the last known Avatar was alive, the idea really seemed more like legend than history to me. It was every Earth Kingdom citizen's wish that the Avatar would return and rid us of the Fire Nation rule, but those were just dreams. However, a part of me desperately wanted those rumors to be true. If the Avatar really was alive, it seemed like an outrageous coincidence that a Fire Nation prince happened to be at the North Pole at the same time as the Avatar. I smelled smoke again and didn't even bother to look down at my hands before crouching down and burying them in the dirt, my breaths slow and even.</p>
<p>I had just closed the last shutter against the coming night when I again heard a knock at my door. "Well, aren't I popular," I mumbled under my breath and I went to slide open the door. I let out a soft gasp as I realized it was Kenshin who stood before me. "Captain Kenshin. This is a surprise," I managed to say. I glanced behind him to see how many men he'd brought with him, but was surprised to see that he appeared to be alone.</p>
<p>He gave me the leer that I've come to expect from him. "It's tax time, Rei. I need five silvers."</p>
<p>My jaw dropped open. "Tax time isn't until next month and it's three silvers!"</p>
<p>Kenshin leaned against my doorframe and I took a step back, trying to keep a fair amount of distance between us. "Things change. The great Fire Lord needs your support, especially after what happened at the North Pole."</p>
<p>Fear crept up inside me as I started to smell smoke. I focused on my breathing and hid my hands behind my back, praying Kenshin would dismiss the smell. "I don't have five silvers right now, Captain, I just had to buy new bandages. I only have three silvers, but theFire Lord can take them." With that, I turned back into my kitchen, trying my best to keep my hands hidden. I reached up into the cupboard and took out almost all of my money, noticing that only a thin line of smoke was trailing from my fingertips. I tried my best to calm down, and after fiddling around with the money for a little while, trying to kill time, the smoke finally disappeared. I turned to walk back to Kenshin, but shrieked in surprise as I walked right into him. He must have followed me into the house and was now looking me up and down, his disgusting gaze lingering on my breasts.</p>
<p>"You know, I do need five silvers, Rei… if you don't have them, maybe you could earn them," he growled. His rough fingers brushed aside a strand of hair from my neck and I started to shake. I don't have a lot of experience with men, but I have enough to know that evil look in his eye. He wanted me, I always knew he did, but I never thought he would act on his longing. He's a Fire Nation captain, and hates the Earth Kingdom.</p>
<p>"Captain, please, just take the silvers and go," I'm ashamed to say my voice shook.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>He stepped closer so that his chest was touching mine. I was backed up against the counter and couldn't move. "No, no," he whispered. I smelled smoke again and pressed my palms together behind my back, the money growing hot in my grasp. "You've been playing with me for too long, peasant. Now, you're gonna get what you've been asking for." He grabbed the back of my neck so hard that I gasped from the pain. He used the opportunity to shove his mouth against mine, thrusting his slimy tongue inside my mouth. I felt the heat from his breath just like I felt Zuko's, but I was more afraid than I ever was of the prince. The money clanged against the counter as I dropped it and shoved against Kenshin's chest as hard I could, trying to wrench my mouth away from his. His huge body didn't even budge; he just ground his hips against mine, seeking his own pleasure and finding it in my pain and panic. I had no doubt what he would do to me if I stopped fighting, and I knew in that same instant that I couldn't fight him off me. I couldn't stop it from happening. He would use me and probably dispose of me and I'd never see Zuko again. I felt the blind fury replacing fear as I thought of how Zuko had kissed me, so gently. Kenshin's hand moved to grip my bottom and I let out a furious growl as I felt the heat rise in my chest. "That's it," he sighed against my mouth, "You know you want this." The heat grew almost painful, but this time, instead of burying it and calming it, I embraced it. I let the warmth flow through my limbs and burst out against his chest. A blinding ball of uncontrolled fire erupted between our bodies as Kenshin let out a wail of pain and fell backward. I looked down at my hands to see them each engulfed in orange flames, but it didn't hurt. The only thing I felt in that moment was gratitude. A crackling above my head drew my gaze toward the ceiling, and I saw that the roof thatching had caught fire. I threw the water in the basin up toward it, but it had already spread, the dry thatching acting as the perfect fuel.</p>
<p>"No!" I shouted. The roof was covered in flames faster than I could have imagined, and I knew that there was no saving it. I ran toward the open door, but stopped just outside and turned to look back at Kenshin's unconscious form and considered saving him. Then I asked myself why, and kept walking. I didn't get twenty feet from the house when soldiers started to emerge running from the woods. I stopped in my tracks, too surprised to do much more than raise my flaming hands when one of them caught both my wrists, shoving them behind my back and turning me to face the burning house.</p>
<p>One of the soldiers that I didn't recognize stopped at my front door and shouted, "Captain! Are you in there?"</p>
<p>I heard a muffled moan from inside and the soldier ran into the building, emerging a few seconds later, dragging Kenshin's body behind him. Immediately after they cleared the doorway, the roof finally gave way, collapsing in a shower of red sparks and smoke. The shadows from the huge fire made the trees around us dance and sway like they were alive. I could still feel the heat on my hands and I knew that they were on fire, but the soldier at my back was holding my wrists with one hand while he calmed my flames with his own bending with the other. His hand encircled mine, keeping the flames to a minimum. Fear started to build in me again as I realized that I was captured by the Fire Nation soldiers, and I had just attacked their captain. Just then, Kenshin was sitting up with the help of the soldier who saved him. The others were in defensive positions around me.</p>
<p>Kenshin finally looked up at me and said, "That one attempted to kill me. She's a firebender and an attempted murderer." I started to shake again as he slowly made his way to his feet. I didn't hurt him as badly as I thought, and he was steadier on his feet than I'd hoped. He stalked over to me and shoved his face up close to mine. I clenched my jaw to keep from spitting at him. "You fucked up, girlie," he growled. "You're just as useless and disgusting as your father was and you don't deserve to bend. I'll have to make sure no one ever wants to touch you again. Hold her down!" he barked at the man holding me. My legs were kicked out from under me and I landed hard on my face, my hands still held behind me. Kenhin grabbed my shoulders and turned me over, seizing my hands before I could even move them. Two soldiers grabbed my arms, pinning them on the ground straight out, palms down. I could see the columns of smoke rising from them, but they were useless to me. Kenshin moved to straddle my waist and he knocked the wind out of me as he dropped his weight onto my stomach, pinning my legs under him. "Hold her legs, just in case," he told the men behind him.</p>
<p>I never knew terror like the kind I was feeling as firebenders held my limbs down, spread eagled, and Kenshin leaned over me to leer at my face. I could smell his singed hair and see the smoke rising behind him from the only home I'd ever known and I wanted nothing more than to die before he could take me. I prayed he'd be quick about it and leave me to the spirits. I felt tears prick behind my eyes and clenched my lids shut against them. Kenshin would never see me cry again. I turned my face away from him and pressed my cheek into the dirt. "Good, Rei," he said, and I winced when his hand pressed against my cheek to shove my face even more firmly into the ground. "I don't want you to move, understand? It'll be much easier for you, trust me," he sounded like he was almost trying to soothe me.</p>
<p>"Captain," said the soldier holding my left arm. "I don't think this is right—"</p>
<p>"Shut up, or you'll get the same."</p>
<p>I felt fabric rip across my chest and felt the cool night air on my bare breasts. Then, I saw a blindingly bright light from behind my eyelids a split second before a pain more intense than any I've ever known burst across my chest. The last thing I remembered was hearing my own piercing scream before the world went black.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>I woke up in the dirt, my mind unable to register anything but the pain. As my eyes opened to the bright daylight, I groaned and raised my hand to my chest. I sat up slowly, pain blossoming across my entire body, and I knew they must have beaten me. I didn't remember anything past what they did to my chest, but it felt like two of my left ribs were cracked, and I could feel the bruises along my legs and arms. My breath seemed frozen inside me as I tenderly moved my legs. A sharp pain surged from between my thighs, and I trembled from what I knew must have happened. The world swam in black spots again as I imagined the sight of Kenshin between my legs, exposing me for the world. Later, when I could think more clearly, I would analyze the pain, realize that it wasn't deep enough to be rape, and thank the spirits that Kenshin appeared to enjoy his victims conscious.</p>
<p>As for now, I could barely move my right arm without sending stabs of pain along my chest, so I carefully sat up and surveyed the damage. My house was almost completely gone, only a few beams and clay pots remained. I could see straight through to the herb garden, which was nothing but charred remains. The only structure left standing was my outhouse. I finally did allow myself to cry when I thought of how much work and devotion my mother put into that house and how many hours she spent tending the herb garden. All gone in one night, with one man's sick desires. I braced myself to look down at my chest, and when I did, I finally broke down into sobs. Kenshin had branded the Fire Nation symbol into my chest, the flames reaching up onto my neck.</p>
<p>As if they wanted to cement the idea that I was Fire Nation through and through, my palms burst into flame.</p>
<p>I don't know how long I sat there, but finally, my flames extinguished and my tears dried. I looked around at my home again, and finally stood, wincing at the pain. I tried to find some supplies that might have survived the fire, but the only things I found that could be of use was a single iron boiling pot under the remains of the healing table, and a couple silver pieces I picked out of the ashes. I did my best to pull on what remained of my clothes, and secured the pot around my neck with a makeshift sling. Taking one last look around my little clearing, I straightened my shoulders and hobbled down the path that led west. I knew there was no way I could rebuild here. Not really because of the amount of work involved, but more because if I ever saw Kenshin's face again, I wanted it to be when I could kill him. The anger rose in me, drowning out the pain and fanning the warmth rising in my chest. I smelled the smoke from my fingertips and raised them in front of my face, thinking for the first time that maybe my firebending could serve a purpose after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Turmoil</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story sticks pretty close to canon, so the rest of the characters (Zuko, Aang, and the others) are traveling around the world as they did in the show. Also, in my story the only remaining free Earth Kingdom area is Ba Sing Se, so there are soldiers everywhere and just like in the show, Earthbenders are arrested and imprisoned. There are curfews and registries, so that's why Rei can't just travel freely between villages. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I didn't make it ten miles before the pain in my chest became unbearable. I had another five to go before the next village, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get there that day. Though the path was smooth and well traveled, every step felt like the burn was being remade and my broken ribs made a fast pace impossible. There was just no way to get around it, I would have to stop for the day with the sun barely touching the tops of the trees behind me. Just out of sight of the path and on the edge of the forest that had been my home for my entire life, I set up a tiny camp that consisted of one large tree, one knapsack for a pillow, and one small fire. Like a fool, I spent a good hour trying to make a fire from sticks before I remembered that fire lived right inside my body. After I cursed myself for being the most idiotic firebender on the planet, I let my frustration flow into my limbs and lit the bundle of twigs aflame. Fire established, I ventured into the woods after something that would dull the pain and help with infection. All I could find was some Cordial moss at the base of a tree and while it does wonders for keeping out infection, it doesn't do much for pain management. I applied it to my burn and scrapes, but the dull throbbing in my chest reminded me that I would have to deal with the pain for the night.</p>
<p>I sat against a tree for a while and tried to get some sleep, but the pain in my chest was making rest almost impossible. Why is it pain always seems ten times worse at night? I opened my shirt to let the night air cool the seared skin, but all it did was make the rest of me cold. My chest felt like it was on fire and the rest of me had the chills. One of life's little jokes, I guess. I scooted closer to the fire and lay back to try to sleep. That was when a soft voice cut through the quiet of the night and set my heart racing.</p>
<p>"Missy, mind if I share that fire?"</p>
<p>I shot up with a shriek that turned into a moan as some of the scabbed skin around my burn pulled open. I ignored the pain and yanked my shirt closed, scrambling into a defensive crouch before realizing that the person in front of me was an old man, leaning heavily on a stick. Still, I narrowed my eyes at him. "Who are you?" I said, my voice low.</p>
<p>"Name's Zhin. Won't hurt you, girly, just want a bit of warmth from the fire. I have food to share if you've got a bit of ground I can borrow." He reached into a bag he had around his shoulder and pulled out half a loaf of bread. My stomach wasn't as suspicious as I was, and it growled hungrily as I stared at the bread. I hadn't eaten anything more than the few berries I could scavenge since the night before. Zhin smiled at me, his mouth a checkerboard of missing teeth.</p>
<p>I sighed and reached across the fire for the bread, straightening out of my crouch. I couldn't help but wince as my burn stretched again, but I took the bread from the man and gestured for him to sit. I thought it was a good idea not to let this man know that the lone woman he'd encountered was injured, so I did my best to hide my pain. He plopped down with a grateful groan and I heard some joints pop as he relaxed. Once his stick was put aside and he was settled, I finally lowered my eyes to the bread and broke off a piece. It was stale and the grains were crunchy, but it felt good on my empty stomach.</p>
<p>"What's your name, girl?"</p>
<p>My chewing slowed as I considered him. "Sorry, but I don't think I'll say."</p>
<p>"Fair enough, just don't think it's polite to call someone 'girl'."</p>
<p>"I don't mind." I handed the bread back to him and I watched, confused, as he broke off a sizeable chunk, stuck it on the end of a stick, and held it close to the fire. "I'm pretty sure the bread is cooked, Zhin."</p>
<p>He chuckled, his voice breathy. "Ach, but the stuff is hard as a rock. You gotta let the fire heat the grains a bit before you eat it."</p>
<p>I smirked at him. "Sure, now you tell me." He laughed and I couldn't help but smile back. He reminded me of Iroh a bit, except for the long mustache and noticeably smaller belly, and this man looked clean, his clothes sturdy and designed for travel. The firelight threw his sharp cheekbones into relief, the shadows making his eyes appear like dark holes. "So tell me, where are you headed, Zhin?"</p>
<p>He swallowed a mouthful of bread before saying, "After my wife was taken back by the sun, figured I'd had enough of the capital. Left the house and set out to live with my boy. Thought I had one adventure left in me."</p>
<p>I went still at his description of his wife's passing. Only Fire Nation citizens talked about death that way. It was just like one of those arrogant bastards to just assume that everyone they met freely on the road was Fire Nation and meant them no harm. Of course he wouldn't hesitate to tell me he's Fire Nation while I couldn't even say my name without fearing some kind of search. I didn't think Kenshin would see much point in looking for me, but I hadn't thought he would torture me either… I never wanted to take another chance where that monster was concerned. I couldn't help grinding my teeth in anger as I listened to the old man. Before Zhin could notice I'd found anything wrong with what he'd said, I relaxed my jaw and asked, "Where does your son live?"</p>
<p>"By my figuring, the next village ahead. Good thing, too. Been on the road a good two weeks, and I'm starting to run short on coins," he said with a cackle. I smiled tightly back.</p>
<p>"I just went through there. Your son a soldier?" I tried to sound as casual as I could.</p>
<p>"Mhm. Stationed there last year, but he's been in the army since he turned sixteen. Couldn't have been happier, having an untrained firebender in the house meant buying a lot of new furniture." He laughed again, but I couldn't force myself to even smile. His son could very well have been the one to hold one of my limbs down, break my ribs, bruise my skin.</p>
<p>"Be sure to thank him from me for his service," I said, my voice flat.</p>
<p>The man didn't notice anything amiss. He just smiled around a mouthful of bread and said, "Thanks very much, missy. Surely will do that. Now that the Avatar's back, our boys need all the morale they can get, I'd wager."</p>
<p>My eyebrows drew together. "I thought those were just rumors…"</p>
<p>"Nah. Imagine they don't want word getting out about the North Pole, but I was on a military ship from the capital. Lost a lot of ships and a lot of men trying to take that heap of ice. The admiral lost his life up there, even heard rumors that banished prince was killed—"</p>
<p>"Zuko? When?" I blurted, my voice shrill.</p>
<p>This time, the old man's eyes narrowed on me. "Bout a month ago."</p>
<p>I relaxed before I realized how stupid I was. Of course it was a month ago, I knew about the attack on the North Pole before I even met this old man. Zuko was with me long after that battle, and his wanted signs were everywhere. My thoughts were obviously frazzled and I took a calming breath as Zhin continued to study me.</p>
<p>"Where you from, girly?" he asked casually.</p>
<p>"Fire Nation," I tried to say confidently, but I wasn't really used to lying.</p>
<p>"Whereabouts?"</p>
<p>"I don't think that's relevant," I cleared my throat and nonchalantly picked a bit of dirt off my shirt.</p>
<p>"No, s'pose not. Just like to know who I'm sleeping next to." He looked at me steadily for a few more moments before lying down and closing his eyes. "Well, guess I'll just have to wonder. Got some Netroot tea in my pack, use it for my joints. It'll help with your pain, some."</p>
<p>My jaw fell open. The flames of the emblem burned onto my chest could be seen above my shirt, but I'd thought it'd surely been too dark to notice. I must not have been as careful hiding my pain as I thought. I sat up and watched him for a long time after he'd fallen asleep, telling myself I wouldn't take anything more from this old Fire Nation bastard. However, the pain reached a new level of stabbing heat after a while and with a sigh, I reached into the pack and took out the tea. I brewed it with some of the water from the nearby stream and was almost angry when the pain lessened. Help from the father of one of the men who caused these very injuries. The thought tasted bitter and even with the pain lessened, I couldn't sleep that night. I dozed a bit, but every time I started to drift into sleep, the thought of being betrayed by the Fire Nation man jarred me awake. He, on the other hand, slept straight through the night. I wondered how an old man got all the way from the coast to here without being killed on the road, or even robbed. Then I remembered that as long as you had Fire Nation papers, you had a free pass through every village in the Earth Kingdom except Ba Sing Se. I gritted my teeth as I thought how lucky I would be to even make it through the next village without being accosted by soldiers.</p>
<p>When the sun started to rise, I rose gently to my feet, careful not to wake the man. I gathered my meager supplies and only hesitated for a moment before grabbing his, too. I left him with nothing but his stick and a note scratched into the dirt that said, "Stream ¼ km straight ahead." While I walked farther away from the forest and Zhin, I briefly considered the irony that I robbed him because Fire Nation citizens like him did evil things like robbing people. But, I guess I was Fire Nation by then. After all, the Fire Nation was nothing if not practical. My mouth twisted as I thought of how practical the Fire Nation could be. The other nations were possible threats, so there was nothing else to be done but invade and conquer before they tried. The avatar was a threat, so it made sense to eliminate him and ensure a victory. Zuko took my medical supplies, not to spite me, but because he needed them and they were readily available. I took the old man's pack because he was weak and I was strong and I needed what he had. He was a short distance from his son and would make it by sundown, sooner if he met kind travellers along the way. I would not be treated as kindly, considering my haggard appearance and lack of Fire Nation credentials. If the soldiers caught an Earth Kingdom woman out after curfew without any kind of Fire Nation protection, I would have to fight my way out, and I didn't think I could. Therefore, I had the greater need.</p>
<p>As I sipped my tea out of the clay cup the man had, I couldn't find one ounce of remorse. As far as I was concerned, that man had just performed a public service. He was going to aid in the removal of a menace named Kenshin. I looked over the fields crisscrossing my path west; my shadow pointed toward the Fire Nation and someone who could train me without questioning why I was untrained at twenty, why I wasn't in the army, why I didn't have a family in the Fire Nation, and why I didn't have any citizenship papers that claimed my Fire Nation heritage, no matter how humble. That's when I thought to look through Zhin's bag for his papers. I found them tucked in an inside pocket and looked them over carefully. No doubt, these would come in handy.</p>
<p>As I thought of how sweet it would feel to see fear in Kenshin's eyes as I burned him, I remembered something Zuko had told me. "If you embrace your anger…" Well, I had plenty of anger. At my mother, my father, Kenshin, Zuko, myself, everyone who ignored me or pitied me because of things I couldn't control… I had all that anger for a reason and if Zuko was to be believed, that reason was to make me a more powerful firebender, if I could only learn to harness and use it. At that moment, I really wished I could talk to him, ask him how to actually focus it. Also… I missed him. It was crazy, I'd only known him a few days, but there was so much about him that I didn't understand but found interesting anyway. I had little expectation of seeing Zuko or Iroh in the Fire Nation considering they were wanted criminals, but I couldn't help but hope. I wanted to apologize to him… I also kind of wanted an apology in return. He did steal from me and I wouldn't be a very good firebender if I just forgot about that.</p>
<p>As I walked, I looked down at my hands and thought about how normal they looked. They were almost my mother's exactly- strong, but feminine. Perfect for grinding herbs or massaging a strained muscle, setting a bone or drying tears. You would never know by looking at them that they had the power to burn a house to the ground or take a life. That's the danger with firebenders, I think. Earthbenders and waterbenders, they can create things. My mother told me that waterbenders can actually use their bending to heal people. Airbenders couldn't create with their bending, but they never destroyed, at least not in the histories that I read. Firebenders can't create anything with our bending. We can destroy, intimidate, conquer, but not create. I suppose everything on earth needs an opposite, so I assume that firebending is the opposite of the other, peaceful kinds of bending. Like we're the negatives to the waterbenders, destined by the universe to tear things apart, not heal them.</p>
<p>I snorted at my philosophical thoughts. Like firebenders had any kind of purpose. As far as I could tell, firebenders as a whole lived to do one thing, and that was to serve the Fire Lord. The thing that really terrified me was thinking about how horrible the soldiers could be, and realizing how evil the man who commands them must be… but I'll leave ponderings about the moral soul of the firebender to priests from now on. After all, I didn't think I was evil, and I couldn't imagine Iroh being as heartless as his brother was. As for the prince… well, I didn't really see anything in him to persuade me either way. All I knew was that I had been given the power to exact some small revenge on the atrocities that were done to me, my family, and thousands all over the world. If I had to embrace some kind of evil inside me to do that, I figured it was worth it.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>The sun was just starting to set when I started to see vendors' huts up ahead. The timing couldn't have been better because I had just run out of Zhin's water and my breath was raking in and out of my lungs, my broken ribs causing pain with every inhale. The Netroot tea was long gone, but I was sure there would be a healer's hut somewhere in this village, and that was my first stop. I'd never heard of a pain-numbing tea as effective as my own mixture was, but any healer would have Netroot or dried junmin berry on hand. I just hoped no one would recognize me. We really weren't that far from my village and I know people have travelled from the outlying towns for my skills in healing. Even with my questionable heritage, I was never left wanting for business. I find that people get pretty tolerant when they're in pain or sick and desperate enough. Even the soldiers get real polite when I'm controlling their pain treatment.</p>
<p>I tried to look as insignificant as possible as I hobbled into town, but I still drew stares. A single female with obvious injuries is bound to be noticed, either as an object of pity or as a target. I nervously searched for the heat inside me and found it lying dormant in my chest, waiting like a well-trained dog until I needed it. I felt a little disgusted with myself when I drew comfort from the heat, but it was beginning to feel like an old friend. After all, I still would rather take my beating and burn over being raped in my own home by Kenshin, and my bending was the only thing that saved me from that fate.</p>
<p>About halfway through town, I saw a hut with a bandage drawn on the door and quickened my pace toward it. My hand closed over my pocket where I could feel the comforting weight of the coins there. Zhin had said he was running low on coins, but I'd found two gold pieces, five silvers, and ten coppers in the bottom of his bag. That was more money than I had ever seen at one time in my life, and he considered it pocket change. Anyway, the dark skinned healer seated behind the counter looked up with a bored expression when I knocked on the doorframe to get his attention.</p>
<p>"Can I help you?" he drawled.</p>
<p>I limped to the counter and before I could say a word, he watched my steps and immediately started picking things off the shelves behind him. I watched with narrowed eyes as he ignored me and gathered supplies. With his back to me, he said, "Come back and sit on the table, I can fit you in before I close. I see you've got some bruised muscles there and from the sound of your breathing, you've got a broken rib or two. What, did your husband catch you in a soldier's bed or something?"</p>
<p>My jaw dropped open at his rude tone and I said, "That's none of your damn business. I don't need your healing, just your supplies." I jangled the coins in my pocket so he could hear.</p>
<p>He raised an eyebrow but laid out the things he was gathering on the counter. I looked at them all and the prices written on them and blanched. "How do you sleep at night? You're charging ten coppers for Netroot? I can find that in the woods behind this place! And I don't even need the elder, it's for fevers! No, I'll take the Netroot, the bandages, the ginger root, and I need some burn salve. Do you have junmin?"</p>
<p>The man sighed, but gathered what I asked, and said, "That'll be four silvers."</p>
<p>"Four silvers! No, I'll give you two silvers and that's being generous."</p>
<p>The man stepped around the counter, and I noticed for the first time how small he was, barely coming up to my shoulder. "No, that'll be four silvers, or I'll have to take it up with the soldiers in the tavern next door."</p>
<p>I clenched my jaw, but I couldn't afford to be questioned by soldiers. "Fine, but you are a crook. You might as well dress in red." I flicked my hand toward his green Earth Kingdom clothes. "I don't want the bandages." I could just use strips from my old bag.</p>
<p>I walked out the door feeling dirty. I had never appreciated the isolation and privacy of my little hut in the woods more than when I was forced to mingle with the dregs of society, and I'm sure that healer was one of the more pleasant people I would encounter on my path toward the Fire Nation.</p>
<p>I was right. He was one of the more pleasant ones, something I discovered almost immediately after exiting his establishment. I'd just gotten the bag situated around my shoulders and was continuing through town, nodding at whoever was out lighting their lamps for the night. When I reached the edge of town, a hard female voice stopped me. "Hey, you! Curfew is in effect for all Earth Kingdom citizens after dark, you know that."</p>
<p>I sighed and turned to see a soldier coming toward me, her hair pulled into a tight ponytail on top of her head, her long, straight black hair hanging down her back. She had a pretty face, but her features were almost too angular and she looked like she'd never smiled in her life. I plastered a smile on my face and said, "Evening, ma'am. I do know about the curfew, but I'm not from the Earth Kingdom."</p>
<p>She raised an eyebrow as she reached me, cocking her hip out and glaring at me. "Interesting choice in wardrobe then, Miss. Where are you from, and why are you on a lonely Earth Kingdom road after dark?"</p>
<p>I ruffled in my bag for Zhin's papers, but I didn't miss her shifting her weight defensively and aiming her palms toward me. A firebender, then. Finally, I found them and handed them to her, hoping my expression was confident. She snatched them and looked them over with narrowed eyes. "Zhin? Why do you have the travelling papers of a 53-year-old lumber contractor instead of your own?"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and said, "He's my father."</p>
<p>Her suspicious expression never wavered. "That doesn't explain why you wouldn't have your own papers. How do I know you haven't stolen these, peasant?"</p>
<p>It wasn't hard to sound nervous as I spouted the story I'd come up with. "I… I'm not his… legitimate daughter. I don't have a last name. My father gave me these so that I could try to find a life in the Capital." I pretended to lower my face in shame.</p>
<p>Her eyebrows shot up and her face filled with disgust. "I see. Well, I'll still need proof that you come from the Fire Nation, otherwise I'll have to detain you until your father can come corroborate your story…"</p>
<p>"I can prove it." I let my anxiety and anger at her arrogance flow into my palms and held them up in front of me, letting them burst into flame. She jumped back in surprise and reflexively put a hand on the sword strapped to her hip, her other hand palm out towards me, but when I didn't move to attack, she quickly recovered and relaxed.</p>
<p>"Alright, good enough," she said, holding out Zhin's papers. I tried to calm the fire in my hands, but I was tired and rattled and I was having a hard time getting my thoughts calmed down. The soldier glanced back and forth between my hands and my face, taking in my anxiety. Her hand moved back to her sword. "Stand down, girl."</p>
<p>The harder I tried to stop the fire, the more it grew. It was now rising a foot off my palms. "I'm trying, I'm just not very good at it…" My heart was pounding as I thought of what she would do if I didn't get the damn fire out.</p>
<p>"You need to calm down." Her hand tightened around the hilt of the sword and she pulled it out of the sheath an inch.</p>
<p>Before she could take action, I crouched quickly and buried my hands in the dirt, wincing as my burn stretched. I don't know if the dirt extinguished it, or just tricked my mind into calming down, but the fire went out. Smoke rose from where my hands were buried as I looked up at the soldier. "I'm sorry about that. My father tried to teach me, but he didn't have a lot of time…"</p>
<p>She dropped her sword back in the sheath and said, "It was negligent to leave a firebender untrained. I recommend you find a master as soon as you arrive in the Fire Nation."</p>
<p>"That's what I'm going for—"</p>
<p>"You'll have a hard time as a bastard, but someone will take you. Once you're trained you can join the military, but don't expect to rise higher than corporal without a family." She glanced down at my hands and I noticed that the smoke had stopped rising. I pulled my hands out to find them normal, if a little dirty. I took the papers she held out to me. "You shouldn't travel at night until you have some training."</p>
<p>"Thank you, ma'am, but I'll be careful. I'll be on my way now." I hefted the bag more securely around my shoulder and bowed to the soldier, who grimaced and turned her back without bowing back. I wasn't surprised, from what I've heard, bastards didn't have honor enough in the Fire Nation to be acknowledged.</p>
<p>I travelled this way for about two weeks, probably following the same path Zhin had followed from the Fire Nation. I asked for directions when I needed them, bought supplies when I ran out, and by the time I got to the coast, my injuries were almost completely healed. The burn across my chest was now an ugly red scar, one that I would carry the rest of my life. Kenshin should have been an artist- it was a perfect depiction of the Fire Nation symbol. I was stopped by soldiers in every town I passed through, but once I told the story of my illegitimate birth, how my father's honorable wife wanted me out of the house, how I was an untrained firebender on my way to the Capital for a master, they all let me go. A few eyed me with blatant interest, but none would actually deign to touch a bastard. I chuckled darkly to myself as I pictured their reactions if any of them got close enough to get my shirt off and see the scar marring my chest. Luckily, I was never that starved for amusement. I had an easier time once I swallowed my pride enough to purchase some red Fire Nation clothes. It hurt to throw away the only physical evidence I had from my Earth Kingdom roots, but it was necessary; I left my Earth Kingdom garb in a scrap pile outside a village seamstress's hut.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Tomi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The coastal town on the edge of the Mo Ce Sea was bigger than any I'd ever seen. I actually felt a little claustrophobic as I walked through the busy streets, catching glimpses of the huge, black metal warships docked there rising above the buildings, all carrying the emblem that was burned into my chest. It was especially nerve wracking seeing all the soldiers around, but because the city was so full of people, no one gave me a second glance as I approached the docks. Trying to control the nervous heat in my chest, I walked up to the first soldier I saw, a young man with a surprisingly kind face who was looking over a load of cargo beside a ship.</p>
<p>"Excuse me," I said, standing in front of him. He smiled at me and raised his eyebrows. "I'm looking for a ride into the Fire Nation. Are any of these ships taking passengers?"</p>
<p>"This ship isn't, but mine is," he said. "We're taking refugees on our way back home. Are you a citizen?" I nodded. "Can I see your papers?" I took out Zhin's documents and handed them to him. He asked me the same questions about my connections, and I told him the bastard story, fully expecting him to drop his polite façade. Instead of looking at me with disgust, though, he gave me a sympathetic glance before handing the papers back. "What's your name?"</p>
<p>Something about him made me want to trust him, and I couldn't help but feel I shouldn't give him a fake name. After all, I was far enough from my village that I would just be one of a hundred other refugees, and this soldier probably wouldn't remember me anyway. "Rei."</p>
<p>He bowed to me with a smile. I bowed back somewhat clumsily in my surprise. "It's nice to meet you. My name is Tomi." He studied me for a moment before glancing behind me and saying, "Rei, if you'd like to wait a moment, I'm almost done here and I can escort you on board my ship. Due to your… uh, situation, you might get hassled if you show your papers to the soldiers in charge of refugee affairs."</p>
<p>I blinked in shock before narrowing my eyes. "That's awfully kind," I said, suspicion plain in my voice. Even if I were dealing with the nicest Fire Nation soldier alive, there was no way he was that accommodating.</p>
<p>He chuckled. "Let's just say I can understand your situation. Trust me, it's your best bet."</p>
<p>I studied him for a few moments before I sighed and threw caution to the wind. If he was a bastard himself, it could be that he'd had plenty of unpleasant experiences with the Fire Nation, too. "Thank you, that would be a great help."</p>
<p>I stood a few paces behind Tomi as he counted the crates and made notes on a pad. I didn't know enough about the soldiers to know what rank he was by his uniform, but it was different from most of the ones I'd seen, which made me think that he must have been more than just a foot soldier. His helmet was outfitted with a long tail of black hair spilling from the crown. I'd never seen this before, and I found myself hoping that wasn't his actual hair. I couldn't help thinking that would look ridiculous, and I didn't want him to look ridiculous. Maybe it was because of my newfound identity, but I wanted to know that there were people from the Fire Nation that could be kind, smart, and not hilariously misplaced by birth. He took off his helmet after just a couple minutes- it was really too hot outside to wear it for long. The hair was part of the helmet to my relief, and when he took it off, his own hair was shoulder-length and black. While his face was a bit too round to be considered handsome by most definitions, it wasn't a bad face, and his dark eyes seemed to smile, even as he counted crates. Twenty minutes later, I decided to like Tomi. When he finished his work and turned to me with a smile, I smiled back and let him lead me toward a smaller ship docked a short distance away.</p>
<p>When we rounded the corner to the side of the ship that opened into the hull, we came upon a huge line of maybe two hundred people queuing up to board the ship. My eyes went wide as I took in the sheer number. I'd heard that some of the regular citizens settled in the "colonies" were going back to the Fire Nation, but I never thought there were so many colonists fleeing the Earth Kingdom… Maybe this war wasn't going as badly for the rest of us as I'd first thought. If the colonies were no longer safe for Fire Nation citizens, it could be because the tides were starting to turn against them. That angry part of me relished the thought that my people intimidated these refugees enough to run back to that burning piece of land. Tomi led me past the line of refugees, most of whom eyed me with jealous anger at seeing another refugee being taken straight to the front of the line. I kept my gaze on Tomi's feet in front of me, knowing that if I met their eyes, they'd see nothing but triumph. As far as I was concerned, they deserved to be driven from the land they invaded in the first place.</p>
<p>Tomi and I were stopped after we climbed the ramp and reached the huge doors cut into the side of the ship. After a few whispered words with the soldiers there, Tomi led me into the ship with a smile. I kept my gaze down, but couldn't help but look around the ship. The doors opened into a huge cavern that seemed to span from the bottom of the hull all the way to what had to be the underside of the deck, about forty feet in all, with landings layering the sides of the ships, doors dotted periodically around them.</p>
<p>"The bottom floors are the refugee barracks," Tomi said beside me. "The rest are for crew and officers." I nodded and followed when he turned right. I expected to be led down towards the barracks, but he climbed a staircase.</p>
<p>My heart started to beat faster as I wondered where he was taking me. "We're not going to the barracks?" I asked, following him.</p>
<p>"We are, I just want to show you where I'm staying in case you have problems and need to see me," he said without turning around.</p>
<p>I stopped halfway up the staircase, forcing him to pause and turn to raise a questioning eyebrow. "Not that I don't appreciate it, but why are you doing all this?"</p>
<p>He lifted the corner of his mouth in a wry smile. "You don't have a lot of faith in people."</p>
<p>"They don't have a lot of faith in me," I replied.</p>
<p>"Consider it my good deed for the week." When I still looked suspicious, he descended so he stood close to me, then looked around to check that we were alone. "I know what it's like to be… ostracized for something you can't control. I'm just trying to give you an easy time, here."</p>
<p>I studied him for a long time, trying to find some hint of deception in his face, but I couldn't. I finally let him lead me to his rooms, but I wouldn't go inside. He huffed and told me to wait while he grabbed something. I stood outside his door and listened to him rustle around in there, darting nervous glances up and down the hall. It was only a few seconds before he emerged again, leaving the door open behind him. "Here," he said, holding out a round wooden chip with the Fire Nation emblem etched on one side, and the name of the ship on the other.</p>
<p>"What is that?" I asked.</p>
<p>"It's a sign of status. If anyone gives you a hard time, show them this and tell them you're under Weapons Master Tomi's protection." My expression must have been growing more and more suspicious because he said, "Look, I know you don't trust me. And I know that you don't have any reason to, but just take it. It can't hurt."</p>
<p>I heaved a sigh and let him drop the chip into my hand. "Guess it can't."</p>
<p>He smiled and said, "Just follow the staircases down two stories and you'll be in the barracks. It's just bunks, so sleep with your things and keep that chip close."</p>
<p>With a hesitant smile, I thanked him and turned to walk down the staircase. When I looked back, the corridor was empty and Tomi's door was closed. I slipped the chip in my pocket and made my way downstairs, wondering if I'd ever get used to the smoky, metallic smell of the ship or the heat that always seemed to rise up from the engines. When I got to the barracks, a few other refugees were trickling down the stairs and claiming bunks. The room was long and narrow, with bunks lining both walls, leaving a narrow passage down the center. I'd guess that the other side of the ship had similar accommodations. Since I was one of the first down there, I managed to get a bunk right next to a window. A few of the ones I'd skipped in line shot me dirty looks, and I placed my hand over the chip in my pocket, finding comfort from the fact that it was still there, just in case. After a couple hours, the sound of the huge doors closing over our heads rang out and the roar of the engines starting filled the room. Faster than I thought was possible, we were pulling away from the dock and heading out of the cove, toward the Fire Nation. A chill went through me, but I took a deep breath and brought to mind the familiar fantasy of seeing Kenshin's face twisted in pain. I smiled as the sky grew dark and the torches lit along the walls.</p>
<p>I lay back on my bunk, using my bag as a pillow, and tried to sleep, but the noise of the rest of the refugees settling in was making it impossible. I'd only been laying there for about an hour before I felt a hard tap on my shoulder. A deep, impatient voice said, "Hey. S'cuse me."</p>
<p>I opened my eyes to see a middle-aged man standing over me. "Yeah?" I said.</p>
<p>"I'm with my family and we want our bunks together. Could we have this one?" His voice was just this side of rude, but I thought he was more tired than irritated with me. I looked behind him and saw a pretty woman and two small, energetic children settling into their bunks. Still, this was my bunk, and I was pretty tired of these people thinking they could have anything they wanted. My mom raised a polite, considerate healer of the Earth Kingdom, but we were on a Fire Nation ship, and I was Fire Nation.</p>
<p>"No, sorry, I claimed it already," I said, closing my eyes again.</p>
<p>"Come on, I just want us to be together," he said, exasperated.</p>
<p>"Then you should have come earlier."</p>
<p>My eyes were still closed so I was startled when I heard his voice much closer to my ear. "Hey, we were in that line a full three hours before you showed up. You don't have any right to that bunk, and if you don't move, I'll move you myself."</p>
<p>My eyes shot open just in time to see him make a grab for me. I spun quickly, ending up with my legs poised at his chest and my back to the end of the bed. I felt the heat from my chest rushing down my arms and worked to calm myself as he grabbed my ankle. Finally, I remembered what Tomi had said and fumbled in my pocket for the chip, yanking it out and shouting, "Stop! I'm under Weapons Master Tomi's protection. Don't touch me." I kicked his hands away as the rest of the barracks quieted and stared.</p>
<p>The man's eyes narrowed in disgust. "Maybe I should have let my wife fuck an officer. Then we could have any damn bunk we wanted, just like you," he sneered.</p>
<p>My eyes went wide and I glanced around at the other refugees who were all wearing similar expressions of disgust, some shaking their heads at me. The man backed away from my bunk and set up a blanket on the floor between his wife's bunk and his children's. Once I was sure no one was going to attack me again, I straightened my bed and lay back against the wall of the ship, feeling the hum of the engines in the wall. I examined the chip in my hand and starting putting the pieces together. This didn't just mean protection, it meant that I was… consorting. It meant that Tomi wanted people to know that I belonged to him. My jaw clenched in anger as I thought of his kindness. I should have known that no firebender did anything for anybody without expecting something in return. Well, I wasn't that desperate for protection, I could manage by myself. I resolved to go to Tomi's quarters the next morning and return the damn thing.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>I woke to the shrill sound of a horn blasting through the barracks and a male voice ringing out over the speakers that it was time for breakfast. I grumbled, but rolled myself to the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes. Suddenly, my resolve from the day before rushed back into my consciousness and I shot out of bed, hoping to catch Tomi before he went to breakfast. I fell asleep in my clothes, so it was a simple matter of grabbing my bag and rushing out of the barracks and up the stairs to the officers' rooms before the other refugees were fully awake.</p>
<p>I was nervous walking past the soldiers and officers on the upper floors, but none of them looked surprised to see me there, just gave me looks that varied from appraising and interested to bored and disgusted. I doubted that Tomi told all of them that I was his… whatever, but it seemed that young refugee women heading up to the officers' corridors was a regular occurrence. I told myself not to let their judgments affect me, but my cheeks still burned red and I couldn't help feeling somewhat ashamed. I hurried to Tomi's door and knocked.</p>
<p>I heard a muffled, "Coming," before the door opened and Tomi was standing in the doorway, holding a bowl of oats and dressed in casual, red clothes. He looked surprised to see me, but quickly smiled around a mouthful of food.</p>
<p>Before he could say anything, I took the chip out of my pocket and shoved it at him. "Look, I don't know what you were expecting from me, but I'm not some whore. You can have this back," I tried to keep my voice steady against that traitorous hurt.</p>
<p>He chewed slowly and studied my face, glancing down at the chip I was holding out for him. He swallowed and shook his head, saying, "I'm not expecting anything."</p>
<p>"I'm not stupid, I know what this means." I shook the chip to emphasize my words.</p>
<p>He clenched his jaw and glanced up and down the hall before stepping aside, leaving his doorway open. "Come inside," he said.</p>
<p>"No. I just came to give this back to you and tell you thanks, but no thanks." There was just a touch of sarcasm in my voice.</p>
<p>He sighed and turned to set his bowl down on a desk behind him, which held a few pictures and a lot of what looked like business papers. When he turned back to me, his face was sad. "Please," he said, "would you let me explain?"</p>
<p>With a gesture to follow him, he turned and walked further into his room. Now, I thought about just tossing the chip in the room and walking away, but I was curious. After an angry sigh, I followed him, but I didn't let the door close behind me. Once he turned to face me and saw the door was open, he rolled his eyes and walked around me to close it. I took the time to glance around his quarters. It was small, with a narrow bed, a sparse wardrobe, and the desk sitting beneath the window. There was a Fire Nation banner above the bed. My nose wrinkled and I tried my best to smooth it before I faced Tomi again.</p>
<p>"Okay," I said, "Thank you for taking me on board and letting me skip that huge line, but I'm not going to sleep with you for it. If you'd explained what this," I held up the chip again, "meant yesterday, I would never have accepted it."</p>
<p>I expected him to sneer and call me a prude or threaten me, or something like that, but I didn't expect him to drop his head and stare at his feet. He raised a hand to rub at his forehead and I narrowed my eyes, confused at his behavior. "I'm sorry," he said. "I should have told you what it meant, but I didn't think it would matter. I don't expect anything from you."</p>
<p>I didn't let my guard down. "Why?"</p>
<p>He raised his head to give me a wry smirk. "Trust me."</p>
<p>"No, you said that yesterday and I had to go through a pretty humiliating scene downstairs. I'm short on trust."</p>
<p>He moved towards me with a gentle expression, and I think he was just trying to comfort me, but I was already on edge and I wasn't expecting it. My eyes started to lose focus and I could feel the fear rushing through me. To my horror, Tomi's face melted into Kenshin's and suddenly I was back in my home, Kenshin's huge body shoved up against mine. I quickly backed up, but my back met with a cold metal wall and so the only thing I could do was raise my hands and let the fire consume them.</p>
<p>"Don't touch me!" I shouted. My heart was pounding and I knew that I wasn't reacting right, but I couldn't do anything to stop myself from panicking.</p>
<p>"Rei, calm down! I'm sorry, I'm not touching you!" he was backing up to the other side of the room, his hands held out from his sides, showing me that he wasn't threatening me. I tried to calm down, reminding myself that I wasn't anywhere near Kenshin, and that I could protect myself. I wasn't in danger, I wasn't in danger, I wasn't in danger. "Rei, it's all right. Just put your fire out."</p>
<p>My heart was still beating from my panic and I was having a hard time drawing the fire back in. I looked around the room for something to help, but this sparse, metal room was short on dirt or water. My eyes filled with scared, angry tears. "I can't. I don't know how!" I waved my hands frantically through the air, desperate to calm the flames, but at a loss as to how.</p>
<p>"It's okay," Tomi's voice was deliberately calm. "I can help, but I have to come over there." I concentrated on his kind face as he approached, telling myself over and over that his features looked nothing like Kenshin's. I held my hands out to him, the fire growing higher, and he reached for them. I saw a tiny flame in both of his palms before he placed them on mine, reaching from the tops of the fire and quelling them as he brought his hands down. The firebenders outside my hut the night Kenshin attacked me did something similar and I breathed a sigh of relief when Tomi's hands rested on mine, all traces of fire gone except for a thin trail of grey smoke.</p>
<p>I was breathing hard, tears clouding my vision, but mostly they were from embarrassment. I couldn't believe I'd lost control like that in front of one of them, no matter how kind he seemed to be. Tomi was still holding my hands, so I gently withdrew them, clasping them together in front of my body. "I'm sorry," I whispered.</p>
<p>"What the hell happened to you out there?" he said quietly.</p>
<p>I looked up to see his eyes were full of sympathy and I collapsed. I slid down the wall to settle in a heap on the floor next to his bed. For so long, I'd had to be strong, keep up every defense. I'd been ready for another attack, but his kindness was disarming. I couldn't help it, I told him about Kenshin. I told him about living in the Earth Kingdom, but I couldn't tell him about my family, or Zuko, or anything that wouldn't fit with the story that I was the bastard of a Fire Nation contractor. It felt good to talk about it, but a part of me felt I was choking on all the things I couldn't tell him. He sank down to sit in front of me, his elbows resting on his knees.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry," he said once I was finished. "I'd never have given you the chip if I'd known… I don't know."</p>
<p>"If you'd known… that I was attacked by a soldier? You can understand why I jumped to the worst conclusions."</p>
<p>He nodded. "Can I see it?" He glanced down at my shirt and after a moment's hesitation I pulled down my collar to expose the tops of my scar. "The Fire Nation is so cruel sometimes. So many people suffer for it to be great." His voice was full of sarcastic bitterness.</p>
<p>My brows drew together. "That's treason, you know."</p>
<p>"So is attacking a soldier," he said with a smile.</p>
<p>I laughed, but quickly grew serious. This was one of the most bizarre conversations I'd ever had. "Tomi, why are you doing this? Really."</p>
<p>He stared at me for a long time, working out some kind of inner struggle. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, "You trusted me… I should trust you. My father is a very prominent politician in the Capital. He always wanted me to follow him into politics. I'm his only son, you see, so he pinned a lot of hopes on my marrying well, gaining favor within all the right social circles and securing him even more into the fabric of the Fire Nation," he said grandly, waving a hand as if he were speaking at a podium. I smiled and waited for him to continue. "Anyway, I didn't quite fit into his plans."</p>
<p>"So you wanted to be a Weapons Master instead of a politician?"</p>
<p>"No, I wanted to be a schoolteacher. I was tossed here by my dear father after I told him I had no intention of marrying the woman he'd picked and going into politics. He's currently waiting for me to come to my senses."</p>
<p>"Why don't you leave? Just cut yourself away from your father."</p>
<p>"That's easier said than done. First, he has so much influence in the Fire Nation, I'd have to live in the colonies and I'm not even sure I'd be safe there. Second… he could easily have me arrested if I were to defy him."</p>
<p>"How could he arrest you? Even the Fire Nation must have some kind of due process?"</p>
<p>"We do, but I… I am guilty of a crime." He paused before he said, "Remember when I told you I knew what it was like to be ostracized?" I nodded. Instead of continuing, Tomi got to his feet and moved over to the wardrobe. He dug around in it for a moment before taking out a framed painting. Wordlessly, he handed me the painting. It was a portrait of a handsome young man with long, straight black hair, and the red and gold robes of a nobleman. There was writing on the portrait that said, "My love, stay safe. I'll be waiting, Nobu." My eyes grew wide and I stared up at Tomi.</p>
<p>"I told you. You have nothing to fear from me."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love Tomi.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Stacks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My favorite part of writing this story was trying to figure out what day-to-day life for poor citizens in the Fire Nation was like. I tried to stay as true to canon as I could, but I did take a couple liberties. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It only took another day of dirty looks and whispered insults for me to ask Tomi if I could stay in his room until we got to the Fire Nation. Sitting in his room and watching him as he filled out reports, I felt safer than I had since my mother was alive. In my village, I was constantly on edge avoiding soldiers, scraping money together for taxes, or trying to ignore the coldness from the other villagers. Tomi, being something of a dangerous rarity in the eyes of the Fire Nation, really understood how I felt. We'd hole up in his room and talk for hours, mostly about our childhoods. It seemed I'd thought up the perfect cover story because most of my childhood actually fit with how a bastard of the Fire Nation would be treated. The soldiers despised me, the villagers alienated me, and my skills were often disregarded because of the circumstances of my birth.</p>
<p>One night, he got very quiet and told me about growing up the homosexual son of a wealthy nobleman, the endless "lessons" from his father about how a man should act, the brutal training sessions in swordplay and bending. I stayed silent, offering my support, but I knew I could never fully understand. I expected him to tell me about Nobu, but he never did. I was terribly curious, but I had to understand that for the two of them, their love was a matter of life or death. In the Fire Nation, for nobles especially, the greatest honor was in obeying your family, making firebender babies, and following the orders of the Fire Lord. I could tell he wanted to do all those things, he wanted to be a good son and bring honor to his family, but it just wasn't who he was. He loved Nobu, and I felt so sorry for him for what he had to do. It filled me with fresh anger for the Fire Nation. Tomi was a good man, one who wanted nothing more than to be with the person he loved. "The Fire Nation deserves to lose this war," I growled.</p>
<p>He raised wide, frightened eyes to mine. "You can't say things like that! If anyone else heard you, you'd be killed."</p>
<p>"I know, I know. I just can't believe how evil they are."</p>
<p>"Hey, not everyone is like that, and don't forget you're a citizen, too. I know our experiences haven't been the best, but I've met good people in the Fire Nation. They're who I wear the uniform for, not the noblemen."</p>
<p>"Then why is it the evil ones and the noblemen who always seem to benefit?" I thought of Kenshin raking in the profits from the occupation.</p>
<p>He stayed silent at that, and I took a few breaths to calm down. "They're not all like that," he whispered again, his eyes trained on the gold bedspread.</p>
<p>Unbidden, Iroh's face swam in front of my eyes, followed swiftly by Zuko's. "No, maybe not," I said. I took a deep breath and steeled myself to ask the question I'd wanted to ask Tomi for a while. "Tomi, have you heard anything about Prince Zuko?"</p>
<p>He looked surprised at the change in subject, but said, "Last I heard, the princess was out looking for her brother. Reports say he and the general are still in the Earth Kingdom, but I haven't heard anything else."</p>
<p>"Have there been any sightings?"</p>
<p>"Not for a while. Why are you so interested?"</p>
<p>I tried to make my expression carefree. "What, a banished, fugitive prince isn't interesting?"</p>
<p>"I guess so, I'm just pretty sick of hearing about him. He was off the radar for a few years chasing after the Avatar, but when the airbender returned, Zuko was all we heard about until he went from banished to wanted."</p>
<p>"The Avatar still hasn't been caught?" I didn't try to keep the hope out of my voice and Tomi looked at me with a pained expression.</p>
<p>"No, but you'd better hope he is soon. The other kingdoms don't have the armies to defeat us; the only thing keeping them going is hope. They won't win, even with the Avatar; they'll just fight until they literally can't anymore. There have been too many lives lost in this war. On both sides."</p>
<p>Even after all he'd been through, Tomi was still so loyal. He knew the Fire Nation was hard in battle and he hated the nobles for their cruelty, but it was obvious he'd never been to the front, or even in the colonies. He went from secure port to secure port, never seeing the actual carnage wreaked on the regular citizens of the other nations. I knew, even if he didn't, that the bloodshed wouldn't stop if the Fire Nation won the war. I lost a little bit of the respect I had for Tomi then.</p>
<p>My blood ran with heat when I saw the edges of land outside the window. Tomi told me about the passes were going through and the islands we sailed past, but my ears were filled with a rushing noise and I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the churning of the waves against the shore. I'd never felt farther from my mother… I was sailing into the Fire Nation capital and I was glad. I'd learn firebending and I'd never be a victim again. When the land was close enough for me to see docks and buildings and streets bustling with people, Tomi said he had to leave.</p>
<p>"If you wait here, I can show you around after I'm finished unloading the cargo." He put his helmet on and turned to walk out the door, but I stopped him with a hand on his arm.</p>
<p>"Thank you, Tomi, but I can handle it from here. I want to do this on my own." I could tell he thought I was being foolish, but I didn't care. I liked Tomi, but I didn't need him giving me a loving tour of the Fire Nation, pointing out the places he'd gone as a boy or where the best food was. I wasn't a tourist, or a returning loyal citizen. I was there for one purpose, and if Tomi knew why I really wanted to learn firebending, he'd be obligated to arrest me immediately. It's illegal to threaten to kill a soldier of the Fire Nation, I'm sure. I gave him a look that said I wasn't going to change my mind, and he seemed to accept it.</p>
<p>He nodded and said, "Alright, Rei. I'll be in the city for two weeks, but then I leave again. I don't know if I'll be able to come see you…"</p>
<p>On impulse, I threw my arms around him and drew him close for a hug. After a few moments of surprise, his arms slid around my waist. "Thank you so much for everything," I said. "Don't worry about visiting me, I'm sure you'll be busy." I gave him a significant look to tell him that I'd rather he spent his time with Nobu. He responded with a shaky smile and I gave his arm a squeeze before I stepped back to let him leave.</p>
<p>Tomi's smile slipped away as his eyes became more intense. "Rei… remember what I said about the Fire Nation. We're not all bad."</p>
<p>I tried to smile but I'm afraid it probably looked more like a grimace. "You're sweet, but I think you might be a rarity."</p>
<p>"Just promise to give us a chance." He leaned forward and gave me a swift kiss on the forehead before he turned and walked briskly out of the room.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>It turned out that, like me, a good amount of the other refugees coming into the Fire Nation didn't have homes to go to. A lot of people had been rooted in the colonies, and most of their families were either back there or not willing or able to take anyone into their homes. Most refugees were welcomed into their relatives' homes, but for those of us who had no family here, there was one place for us. I learned pretty quickly from other refugees and soldiers that my new home was going to be a place called "The Stacks." Basically, the capital was divided into areas just like any other city. The nearer you got to the mountains, the more elite the residents became, with the palace rising above the city like the unattainable hope that it was. To give some perspective, The Stacks were right near the docks, as far from the palace as you could get. Because the cost of putting the refugees there was better than anywhere else, that's where we were stuck by whoever the hell makes those decisions. I doubt the Fire Lord concerned himself with the location of refugees, but regardless, that was our area. You could only leave once you got the money, and unless you had some incredible skill that allowed you to be an apprentice or even get your own business, you never got the money.</p>
<p>Walking through the stacks, the first thing you notice is the heat. My traveling clothes weren't really made for that suffocating heat, and I was sweating the minute I stepped off the boat. The air in the Fire Nation is hot anyway, a sickly dry heat that makes you feel like oxygen is scratching your lungs on the way down, but it was even worse in the stacks. The streets were wooden planks stuck right into the dirt, so dust clouded the already thick air and a breeze was hard to come by in the tight spaces. There weren't really buildings, just lines and lines of identical, tiny shacks built of colorless, dreary wood. Zhin must have made a fortune in lumber building them, but he was probably the only one who really benefitted. The only windows were just square holes cut into the sides with cloth flaps hanging over them for shutters. There was hardly room between the buildings to slip through sideways, a man like Iroh would never be able to fit.</p>
<p>Despite the grayness of the buildings and ground, the alleys were bustling with people. Mothers hustled their children up and down the streets, brushing their clothes free of dirt; vendors called out to sell fruit and meats; soldiers prowled the streets, daring the refugees to cause trouble. I took a deep breath and clutched my assignment sheet in my hand. Every refugee off the ship that needed a place in the stacks was given one of those sheets, telling us where to live. Standing in front of the bustling city with the docks and ocean at my back, I felt so small and vulnerable, just one of hundreds. I reached inside me for the familiar anger, drew strength from the heat, and marched forward. As I walked through the alleys, I watched the looming shape of the palace in the distance and thought of Zuko. Did he ever stand up there and look down here at the slums his subjects were living in? I would guess not, but I really didn't know him well enough to say.</p>
<p>I found my shack in a nondescript section of The Stacks that was nearer to the actual city than to the docks. I'd been walking for about half an hour when I saw the number 208 scratched above a doorway. The soldiers told me to always keep my assignment sheet on my person so that no one could move in and take my shack. I didn't ask questions, just took their advice. I slipped the sheet in my pocket, took a deep breath, and stepped into my Fire Nation home… and quickly stepped out. It reeked of unwashed, dirty men, onions, and waste. I steeled myself against the stench and quickly walked inside, making a beeline for the windows and tearing away the cloth to let some of the breeze in. After a while the smell was tolerable and I was able to look around. There were the very barest of the necessities in the one-room shack. One pallet for a bed, one low table that could seat four at most, one bar hung across the ceiling that must have been the closet, and one bucket. One glance inside told me what that was for and I had to work hard not to be sick. So far, I was underwhelmed at the hospitality of the Fire Nation, but it was nothing more than I expected. It was a roof, and that was all that mattered. I didn't plan on spending too much time there, anyway.</p>
<p>The rest of the day was spent trying to clean the place out and by nightfall, I felt I had made enough progress to sleep there. As there was zero security to my shack, I still had to sleep with my belongings close to me. I laid my blanket across the pallet and stayed up half the night, nervous that a burglar or worse would simply throw aside the cloth covering the doorway and do whatever he liked, but nothing happened. Being a firebender, I didn't really fear that anyone could seriously hurt me, but I was still so uncertain about my bending that I didn't want to test it.</p>
<p>It wasn't until I woke the next morning to the stirring sounds of the other residents of the stacks starting their day that I started to feel truly lost. I was here, the Fire Nation, I'd made it. For so long, my goal had just been to get there that I never really considered what to do once I'd completed my journey. Find a firebending master, sure, but where? Who? I knew exactly three people from the Fire Nation and none of them would be able to help me. Two were fugitives on the run, and the third had his own life that was as filled with difficulty as mine was. I woke up that first day and had no idea what to do. My entire life up until then had been filled with days that each had a purpose. I'd have to run my healing business and my home, I'd have to travel, I'd have to tend my garden, I'd have to repair my roof, make bandages, run to the village, get to the Fire Nation.</p>
<p>Soon after that first wave of panic, my stomach gave me the purpose I was longing for. It growled so loud that I couldn't help but chuckle at myself. Food first, life goals second. I gathered my things, hung the small, red brick outside my door that meant the shack was occupied, and went to the first vendor whose food looked edible. I could tell right away that the food would take some getting used to (even the fruit set my mouth on fire with spice), but I was so hungry that it didn't really matter. With my stomach filled, life seemed much less daunting. Bearings, I had to get my bearings. I was in a new nation and a new city, and I decided to do some exploring, maybe ask around after firebending masters who wouldn't turn away a bastard or toss me straight into the military. I'd just say I had a son who needed training or something until I found the right one. Also, I thought I'd love to find a bathhouse somewhere. I ran my hand through my greasy hair and grimaced.</p>
<p>Walking through the streets, I was struck again by the sheer number of shacks and people running around the stacks. I expected to have to ward off friendly welcomers and neighbors, but no one really seemed interested in the new girl who moved into the shack next door. I guess it was such a common thing that no one paid any attention to anyone new, or maybe it was cultural. Aside from Tomi, the Fire Nation people were not a very accommodating one. I shrugged, it was no big loss. Most of my life had been a fairly solitary one and I wasn't going to lose sleep over not making any Fire Nation friends.</p>
<p>Just like everything else in the Fire Nation, the city was laid out very practically. It was arranged in a grid pattern, all the streets running north and south, east and west. The main street, and the largest, was running west toward the palace and the richest part of the capital. Shops lined the cobbled street on both sides, but as you got farther from the main street on either side, residential buildings started to take over. Walking west away from the docks and toward the palace, I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the city by the time I reached the huge courtyard that separated Us from Them. The ground sloped gradually upward as the road ran west then rose dramatically at the section that must have housed the nobles. Giant stone staircases, ones that could only have been long ago carved by earthbenders, led up to the level of the mountain that housed the palace and surrounding homes. The ornate red and gold buildings were beautiful, ostentatious, and unnecessarily decorated. I stood surrounded by bustling people and looked at the palace again, but it only made me think of Zuko. He'd been in those walls, a spoiled prince who somehow ended up banished. Not for the first time, I wished I knew why. What had he done, the only male heir to the throne, that caused his father to cast him out? How did he get that scar? What did he do to go from banished to wanted? I sighed and turned away from the sight of that looming palace. I'd likely never know the answers to those questions. Zuko wasn't the crowned prince anymore and the least likely place he'd go would be the Fire Nation.</p>
<p>Every damn thing in the Fire Nation was red and gold. I got it, they liked fire, but it seemed beyond their comprehension that there were other acceptable colors out there besides those two. Whenever I finally got home, I never wanted to see the colors again. Those were the thoughts that ran through my head when I walked into the first clothing store I found that I could afford. I had to get out of those stifling traveling pants and shirt. The heat made wearing as little clothing as possible the best option, but I still grimaced as the revealing shirts displayed my scar. My skin was pretty tan from traveling and working in the sun, but the scar glowed white and red in the middle of my chest, gruesome flames licking my neck. As I walked out of the store, I tried to hunch forward and bring my dark hair over my shoulders to hide it, but I still drew some looks. After a few particularly offensive remarks, that anger in me flared up and my back straightened before I was aware of it. I lifted my chin and stared straight ahead. Damn them, who cares what the people of the Fire Nation thought? These people leisurely visiting shops hadn't been touched by war like I had. I'd been attacked and survived, and that was something to be proud of.</p>
<p>When I finally got back inside the stacks, a commotion up one of the alleys drew my attention and I was curious enough to go see what was going on. There was a vendor's cart tipped over and two soldiers were trying to separate the vendor from some man who was obviously doing his best to shield himself from her attack.</p>
<p>"He's a filthy thief!" she shrieked at the soldier holding her. I joined the crowd of onlookers and it didn't take long to surmise that the man who was bleeding heavily onto the street had taken the woman's money purse when she was assisting a customer. She'd caught him and promptly used the short sword she had in her cart to cut the man's hand off. Overreaction or not, she clearly did not regret it. In fact, she was shouting that she wished she'd done worse. The soldiers finally got her subdued enough to focus their attention on the injured thief, whose face was alarmingly pale and the stub where his hand had been was gushing blood. The soldiers were trying to stop the bleeding, but they obviously didn't know what they were doing. Soldiers who didn't even know basic field care? What kind of amateurs did they send to guard the stacks? The two of them were trying to press their hands to the man's stump, but that wasn't going to do it. I felt sick from the whole scene. Not the blood, but the careless violence and even more careless state of affairs the government left the stacks in. As far as I could tell, no one was blameless in this situation. Any vendor selling in the stacks was obviously poor, even the most desperate thief should never steal from his own; the vendor was ready to kill a man over money; the military was obviously uncaring about the refugees; the soldiers were guilty by association; the onlookers were guilty for not stopping it.</p>
<p>The soldiers were apparently smart enough to know that he would die if they didn't do something fast and the older of the two men frantically glanced around at the crowd of onlookers. "Isn't anyone a healer?" he shouted.</p>
<p>The people around me looked around at each other, waiting for someone to call out. I thought about helping them, I honestly did. I was just about to step forward when the dying man's eyes met mine. They were dark brown, almost black, and that was the exact shade that Kenshin's eyes were. What if this was his brother? Cousin? It was weak, selfish, awful, horrible of me. It didn't even make sense, was I going to let a man die because he distantly resembled a man I hated? Because he was Fire Nation and a thief? Yes. I felt the edges around my scar burn again and I turned my back on the scene and walked to my shack. I locked away that part of me that was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't even recall my mother's face without feeling sick. I felt my palms fill with heat.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>Weeks passed. I didn't think it was possible, but I spent weeks in that little shack and felt just as much a vulnerable outsider as I had that first day. A few times, I almost broke down and contacted Tomi, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't take him away from the short time he had with Nobu, especially when the real reason I needed his help was that I was scared. I had yet to find a firebending master. The schools I tried were banned to a bastard, and I couldn't use a different cover story after displaying the bastard one so publicly. A couple masters pointed me in the direction of a few retired, desperate, or otherwise nefarious firebenders who might be willing to teach me, but those encounters proved… unsavory. They slammed the door in my face, threatened me, or tried to secure payment in the form of sex, and I was not prepared to trade one horror for another, nor could I afford the more traditional form of payment. Zhin's money was dwindling fast, even though my only real expense was food.</p>
<p>I tried my best to practice firebending on my own, but there was really no way to do it safely. My shack was basically one big tinder bundle and I couldn't do it out in the open for fear of being thrown into a military uniform and shipped to the front or questioned further about my heritage. Zhin was from the capital, and I didn't want his name tossed around too much. It would be pretty obvious I wasn't his bastard if anyone bothered to look past how uncomfortable it was to investigate such things. Frustration was my constant companion as I went from firebender to firebender, carefully assessing whether or not I could ask them to train me.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>Let me be perfectly clear about something, in case I've been somewhat ambivalent in this. It didn't take long at all to figure out that no one cared about the refugees. The Fire Lord gave us a shack and a "Best of Luck" and left us to fend for ourselves, with only a few inept soldiers to make sure we didn't burn the place down. In fact, it seemed like the nobles' greatest goal in making the stacks was to put the refugees as far out of their minds as possible. To get from the docks all the way to the palace, you needn't even see the stacks. It was north of the main road, out of the way of any traveling noble or military unit. The ships carrying refugees went north of the main port to drop them off at the stacks, something I hadn't known when I arrived. Any military ships were taken directly to the main road and up to the sprawling palace, which also seemed to house the military headquarters. So really, unless you went outside of the stacks and into the actual capital, it felt like you were in another part of the world- a harsh, cruel part of the world with a definite Fire Nation flavor.</p>
<p>That's why I didn't know it when the capital erupted in cheers over the fall of the Avatar. I didn't find out until the day after the conquering heroes returned to the Fire Nation that the war was well and truly over. I was getting my breakfast from my favorite vendor when I noticed a definite buzz among the other refugees.</p>
<p>"What's going on?" I asked the vendor.</p>
<p>He looked at me with surprise. "You don't know? It's all anyone's talking about. Princess Azula has taken Ba Sing Se. The war is over." The breath went out of me and my head fell forward as I stared at the dirt under my feet. The Earth Kingdom… home… taken? The man took my reaction as shocked awe and continued, "Apparently the princess found Prince Zuko there," my eyes shot up to his face, "and they fought the Avatar for the city. Zuko killed the Avatar and the prince was welcomed back by the Fire Lord. Guess there was some big to do yesterday at the courtyard welcoming the two home, not that they invited us." He chuckled bitterly.</p>
<p>"Zuko… killed the Avatar?"</p>
<p>"That's what they're saying. I guess he and the princess are gonna tour the city today to celebrate the victory."</p>
<p>Mechanically, I handed over some coins to the vendor and carried my breakfast back to my shack. I felt numb, much the way I'd felt when my mother died. Ba Sing Se for as long as anyone could remember had stood so strong, so resolute against the Fire Nation. The symbol that we weren't going to submit, that we would fight. They couldn't take Ba Sing Se, no army could. If they couldn't take Ba Sing Se, they couldn't take the Earth Kingdom. They couldn't take our hope. They couldn't kill the Avatar, either. They'd searched for a hundred years and couldn't kill him. If they couldn't kill the Avatar, they couldn't win the war. Now, Ba Sing Se had fallen. The Avatar was dead. As soon as I entered my shack, I dropped the food on the table and wished with all my heart that I'd let Zuko die when he came to my hut. If it weren't for me, the Avatar would still be out there, fighting for us. I killed the Avatar with one kind act. I heard the sounds of celebration from the alley outside my shack and was so disgusted I couldn't breathe. I was mourning alone in a sea of people rejoicing. After everything their nation had done, even to them, these people cheered at the fall of the last hope for peace. How could a nation so evil inspire such loyalty?</p>
<p>The last thing the vendor told me slowly entered my thoughts. Zuko and the princess were touring the city today.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A Royal Visit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cheering crowds lined the main street on both sides from the docks all the way up to the palace. The entire city had shut down in order for every citizen to welcome home their heroes, the prince and princess. The minute the vendor's words about this parade honoring the almighty Fire Nation royal family had sunk into my brain, I'd left my shack and walked south towards the main street. I wasn't really thinking clearly, I was just filled with the desire to see him. Hiding in my shack and pretending it hadn't happened was possible when I couldn't see him, but I had to look at that scarred face and know that I was responsible for saving him, for keeping him alive so he could destroy my mother's people. Hearing about the prince's return and seeing him in the flesh were two very different things, and I felt like I had to punish myself for what I'd done. That was the only goal I had in my mind as I chose a spot in front of a lantern pole, my feet on the cobbled road so that I wouldn't have an impeded view. I stood there for hours as the street slowly filled with the other citizens waiting to see the parade.</p>
<p>It started at the docks, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how they got all the floats, tanks, and palanquins down there without me seeing. The main street was really the only way to the palace; the city was surrounded by mountain on both sides. My numb mind was cranking slowly and eventually I idly wondered if there were tunnels under the city. I was yanked from my thoughts by the commotion around me. People were bustling everywhere, talking to friends and wrangling excited children. Vendors were wasting no time in selling souvenir items like fake crowns and dolls in the likeness of the avatar, the prince, and the princess. I even saw one that looked like the Earth King. Mostly, it was paintings and printings of the prince and princess. I was used to seeing Zuko's face on the wanted posters, but I was not used to seeing his face under the slogans "Savior of the Fire Nation" or "Vanquisher of the Avatar." There were others, too, but they just got more sickening. Pretty soon, there was a full-fledged festival on the streets of the Fire Nation. The crowd pressed in close against me, but I'd chosen my spot well. I was at the very front and nothing was obscuring my view of the parade of tanks, soldiers, commanders, officers, and dancers. There was a group of firebending masters, men and women who were smiling and weaving fire through the air in beautiful shapes and patterns. The band marching along was playing with more gusto than I'd ever seen and it would have been breathtaking if I felt like I still had the ability to breathe.</p>
<p>I felt like an island standing there among so much happiness. An old man to my left was openly weeping, happy tears running down his face as he saluted the officers that gaily waved back at the crowd. To my right, two giggling girls who couldn't have been more than twelve were shrieking with delight at the handsome soldiers who walked by so stoically. I watched it all with the strange detachedness I'd felt since I heard the news that morning, waiting and waiting for him. I had to see his smug, smiling face. I had to know that he was proud of himself and that he used my kindness to murder the Avatar. That way, my hate could really and truly find another outlet besides the one for Kenshin. I could feel all that hate and anger building inside, waiting until I had something strong enough to aim it at.</p>
<p>I knew they were approaching before I even saw the gold glinting off the palanquin frames. A mighty roar from the crowd started from down at the docks and rose in volume the closer the prince and princess moved to where I was standing. A decorated tank passed slowly, followed by twenty women in beautiful, flowing outfits of, you guessed it, red and gold. They spread red rose petals over the ground before the royal palanquins. The first palanquin held the princess, Azula. She was undeniably beautiful, her straight black hair let loose except for the bit at the top that was pulled up in that ponytail they all wore, two pieces falling forward to frame her angular, feminine face. She was wearing a half smirk as if this was all beneath her; she didn't wave, just glanced around at the citizens in amusement, obviously reveling in her position of power. She looked almost feline reclined on her pillows, the curtains framed around her. She was wearing a revealing two-piece dress of black trimmed in red, her toned stomach strikingly pale against the black. The four men carrying her palanquin looked like they'd won the greatest prize out there. She passed within about ten feet of me, but I was already looking behind her.</p>
<p>There were more flower women, but behind them was another palanquin and I could see glimpses of his masculine form before anything else. I felt lightheaded, so I would guess that I forgot to breathe, but I didn't care. Finally, the women passed, and I could see him clearly. Zuko was sitting forward, his knees drawn up and his arms hooked around them, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked at the crowd, his expression serious. The palanquin was arranged just like Azula's, but Zuko looked noticeably less comfortable in it.</p>
<p>"Oh, he's so handsome!" one of the girls next to me shouted above the din of cheers.</p>
<p>"Can you image how perfect he would be without the scar?" the other one shouted back.</p>
<p>My mind betrayed me then. As Zuko moved closer, the floodgates to my emotions crashed open and the numbness was erased in a flash of anger, hurt, fury, and, surprisingly, betrayal. My eyes filled with tears and I could feel my face twist in agony as he rode closer, just as close as Azula had been. His red shirt with gold lining the edges was sleeveless, his arms thick with muscle even while resting. His hair was so long, long enough to hang forward to hide his beautiful eyes if it was down, but it was pulled up to match his sister's and an ornament made to look like flames was peeking out of the top of it. It wasn't fair. He was supposed to look ecstatic, not beautiful and serious. How was I supposed to transfer the hatred I had for myself to him when he didn't look proud of himself? Just like when I first met him, he still had the ability to throw me completely. Suddenly, I couldn't be there anymore. I couldn't stand there while he was so close to me. Heat was creeping up inside me, but it wasn't my fire and that scared me. The outfit I'd worn that day had a high neck that covered my scar, but it left my back exposed so when I pressed back against the cold of the lantern post, goose bumps rose on my skin. I turned my head frantically from side to side, but I'd chosen my vantage point too well. There was an impenetrable wall of people behind me and I couldn't leave. My eyes moved forward again without my permission and met gold ones.</p>
<p>His back was straight as he stared at me, his eyes narrowed in concentration. He was obviously trying to place me, and my mind was screaming for me to turn away before he could recognize where he knew me from, but I was never able to defend against those eyes. Finally, when his palanquin was directly across from me, not ten feet away, those eyes widened with realization and his jaw dropped open. I saw his chest heave and I don't know what he would have done next because my reason finally won out against that stare. I shoved violently against the old man to my left and fled, pushing people out of my way as I tried desperately to put all the distance I could between me and those eyes.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>I sprinted straight to my shack, making record time because everyone else was still at the parade. My breaths raked in and out of my lungs with exertion and sobs. I thought about my mother, who talked about Ba Sing Se with such love, told me about how strong it was, and how it was the very spirit of the Earth Kingdom. She and my father had told me stories of the Avatar and the legends surrounding him. I thought about Iroh, so kind and funny, how his nephew seemed nothing like him. Zuko. Damn him, damn him for confusing me so much. For making me like him and then doing something so unforgivable that every moral compass in the world should be shouting for me to hate him. I slapped the cloth away from my door and collapsed on my pallet, my back sliding down the wall. I sat there with my thighs pressed tight against my chest, my forehead resting against my knees. I clamped my hands over my ears to drown out the sounds of cheering and music that I could still hear all the way from the city.</p>
<p>Eventually, the cheering and music gave way to happy chatter as people made their way back to the stacks. I kept my hands over my ears and closed my eyes, missing my mother so badly that it ached. She would know just what to say and do, she always did. It's what made her such a great healer. I heard laughter in the shack that shared a wall with mine and envied them for a moment. To be so brainwashed and stupid that the fall of an entire nation was something to celebrate would be something of a relief.</p>
<p>I sat there for I don't know how long, watching the shadows move across my wall, trying to keep the tide at bay. Once it was full dark, I knew I should try to sleep, but I couldn't even find the strength to try to uncurl myself and lay down. I felt a spider move across my foot and didn't even glance down. Zuko knew I was in the Fire Nation. He remembered me, and I hadn't expected that. Of course, he was a major milestone in my life, but I couldn't be memorable to him. Maybe a little interesting as a rogue firebender living in the Earth Kingdom, but nothing a prince would pay attention to, but he had. It probably didn't mean anything, though. Probably, he was chatting with Azula right then about the pathetic little firebender he found in a tiny village across the sea. They'd share some laughs and then move on. Maybe they were at a party, celebrating into the night. Maybe he was telling Iroh about seeing me… My brow twitched as I thought about his absence today. If Zuko had been in the parade, I fully expected Iroh to be there with him. Well, the Fire Lord hadn't been there, so Iroh was probably napping somewhere, letting his niece and nephew enjoy their day. My lips twitched as I remembered his thunderous snoring.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and stretched my legs out before I could think too much about it. They complained about moving after being in one position for so long. My head had just hit the pillow, which was really just a bundled up shirt, when a sound outside my window startled me completely awake. The stacks had been quiet for a couple hours by that point, and a shuffling outside was usually something to be concerned about. One of the first things I bought in the capital had been a knife, and I pulled it from under my pallet as I eased silently to my feet, listening to the quiet footsteps moving around to the front of my shack. My heart was pounding and I gripped the knife tight enough that my knuckles popped when the cloth over my door fluttered, then was moved aside. There weren't lanterns lining the alleys in the stacks, so it was too dark for me to make out more than a male figure as he stepped inside. I was just about to lunge forward with my knife when his voice stopped me dead.</p>
<p>"Rei?" Zuko whispered. My knife clattered to the floor, and I didn't realize I'd jumped back until my back hit the wall.</p>
<p>Suddenly, the room filled with light and I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the sudden blaze. I looked through my fingers to see him standing in my doorway, his face and body illuminated by the handful of flames he held out in front of him. He was wearing the same thing he did in the parade plus one dark cloak, and his thick, dark hair was out of that ridiculous knot. It hung down to almost the end of his nose.</p>
<p>After the shock of seeing him there had subsided somewhat, I marched forward and hissed, "Put that out!"</p>
<p>"Why?"</p>
<p>"Just do it!" I smacked his hand down at the forearm and the fire was extinguished, leaving us in the almost pitch black.</p>
<p>"What's wrong with you?" he whispered, annoyed.</p>
<p>"The last thing I need is for the soldiers to find out there's a firebender here." Anything that drew the soldiers' attentions was bad. I turned away from him and fumbled around in the dark for the small candle on my table, but stopped short of lighting it. I didn't know if I liked the idea of looking at him again, I didn't trust what I'd do. "What are you doing here?" I asked, proud of how calm and level my voice was.</p>
<p>"I saw you at the parade—"</p>
<p>"How did you find me?" I interrupted. My eyes were adjusting to the dark again and I could just make out his shape.</p>
<p>"We keep records of everybody in the stacks. I was so surprised to see you, why are you in the Fire Nation?" He'd moved closer to me and once again, my back hit the wall. Surprise and confusion was giving way to that familiar anger and hurt as I remembered what he'd done.</p>
<p>"That's none of your business." My voice was colder than I thought I was capable. "I was more surprised to hear about your being in the Fire Nation, Your Highness. I hear Ba Sing Se is lovely this time of year," my voice shook with angry sarcasm. "Get out of my house."</p>
<p>He went completely still and I could almost hear his jaw clench. "You know I only did what I had to," he said with forced calm.</p>
<p>"No, you didn't. I don't know what kind of monster could kill the Avatar after seeing the good he was doing—"</p>
<p>"The Avatar was an enemy of the Fire Nation, where you now live!"</p>
<p>I stepped forward to meet his challenge. "I seem to remember that you were an enemy of the Fire Nation at one time, too! Don't you dare try to feed me that propaganda." I tried to keep my voice as hushed as possible in my anger.</p>
<p>"Propaganda! How about you take a second to remember that I'm the Prince of the Fire Nation, and I had a responsibility—"</p>
<p>"Go to hell," I said quietly. "You don't have any right to try to justify yourself. Prince or not, that was murder. You killed the greatest hope we had for this war to be finally over."</p>
<p>"It is over," he growled.</p>
<p>"Maybe for you. The worst part of war is repression and death and those'll continue in the other nations forever, now. My home will never be free again." I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, so I didn't try. He could probably see them in the dim moonlight coming through my window, but I didn't care. I wasn't going to be ashamed of mourning the Earth Kingdom.</p>
<p>He turned away from me and I was relieved, thinking he would finally leave, but he didn't. He put one hand against the wall of my shack and leaned into it, his head hanging down. "I had to," he whispered.</p>
<p>Inspiration struck me and I remembered Iroh's absence at the parade. "What did your uncle think of you killing the Avatar?" I watched him closely for his reaction and saw the muscles in his back tense and the hand against the wall clenched into a fist.</p>
<p>"I don't have an uncle," he said deadpanned, it as if he'd rehearsed it.</p>
<p>"He tried to stop it, didn't he? He was too kind to let it happen." I marched over to Zuko and forced him to look at me. "What did you do to him?"</p>
<p>He quickly turned to meet my glare. "I didn't do anything to him. He did it to himself, he betrayed us."</p>
<p>"Where is he?"</p>
<p>He was obviously warring with himself, trying to convince himself that he didn't care about what he was saying. That he didn't love his uncle like I knew he did. "Prison," he grunted. He slumped against the wall and put his hands on each side of his head, hiding his face in the wall. I didn't know what to say, I could see that he already knew how wrong it was to put a good man like Iroh in jail.</p>
<p>"He doesn't deserve that," I said finally, but there was no accusation in my voice.</p>
<p>Zuko sighed and said, "I know. I've tried… but it doesn't matter. He won't talk to me." He sounded so dejected and again, I felt thwarted. Why couldn't he just be awful so that I could hate him? The healer in me was shouting for me to comfort him, but the firebender in me was still disgusted with him.</p>
<p>"Why are you here, Rei?" he said, his voice low and halting. "I thought… I thought you hated us."</p>
<p>"I do." My voice was calm and steady. I wasn't trying to hurt him anymore; it was just the truth. He waited for me to continue, but I didn't want to say any more. When I stayed silent, he turned his head to look at me. The moon was high enough in the sky that I could make out his expression. He looked so lost, his hair was hiding one eye completely, but the other was fixed on me like I was a lifeline. I could see anger in him, too, but I don't think it was directed at me. Spirits help me, he was so beautiful. It was almost enough to make me forget what he'd done, but not quite.</p>
<p>"You're different," he murmured, but I wasn't listening.</p>
<p>"How could you do it, Zuko?" I whispered. I genuinely wanted to know.</p>
<p>"Honor," he said resolutely. That seemed like the one thing he was sure of.</p>
<p>I nodded, satisfied with his answer, even if it was horrible. It always seemed enough for them, that talk of honor. Tomi had been the same way, torturing himself for dishonoring his family with his love. Suddenly, I was exhausted. I'd had a very long day and this had been a very stressful, strange, emotional conversation. We would never see this issue the same way, and I was done talking about it. Zuko may have felt guilty, but I was sure it was only because of Iroh's fate in this. After everything, he was still just a spoiled prince, uncaring about anything that didn't directly affect him. "Please leave, Zuko. I'm tired."</p>
<p>He glanced back at my pallet and grimaced. I raised my chin and dared him to say something about my shack, but he didn't. Slowly, he pushed away from the wall and stood in front of me. I never noticed how tall he was, standing a full head above mine, but then the last time I saw him was when he was slumped with pain. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he turned and took a step to the door, pulling the hood of his cloak up over his head. He pushed the cloth over my door aside and was about to leave when he stopped and looked back at me, a hand still on the doorframe. "I'll come back soon," he said, then turned and left before I could tell him I didn't want him to come back. I barely had the strength to make it back to my pallet, and I collapsed into a deep sleep the moment I laid my head down.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Control</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My stomach was in knots the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, and it took me a few seconds to remember why. Zuko had been to my shack last night. The minute I thought about the things we'd said to each other, how he'd shut down when he talked about his uncle and his look as he left, the flood of conflicting emotions made me dizzy. With a practiced detachedness, I shoved those thoughts away. Instead, I focused on menial things like what I would eat for breakfast; who I would approach for firebending today; which route I would take through the city. I wouldn't have to think about Nameless until that night. He might not even show up, which would probably be better. Hopefully, I had just been a passing interest for him and he'd moved on. I prepared for the day like I would any other, ignoring the dread that had settled in my stomach.</p>
<p>Of course, the more I dreaded nightfall, the faster the sun seemed to move through the sky. I lay on my pallet, staring up at my cracked roof, and listened to my heart pound. I knew there would be no sleeping until he arrived, so I didn't even try. To pass the time, I thought about the Avatar. I wondered what he had been like. While moving from village to village, I'd heard that he was still a child when he was traveling the world, learning the elements. He'd saved people, inspired hope, helped the armies where he could, and never stopped striving to master the elements. Until Zuko. Everything in me was screaming for me to hate him, to make him pay for what he'd done. But a very primal part of me was anticipating seeing him again, having him close to me. It was like a war was happening inside me. The one side was staunchly Earth Kingdom and was honorably calling for justice. The other side was completely Fire Nation and didn't notice more than the fact that he was a powerful, attractive, very male firebender.</p>
<p>When I heard the cloth flutter over my door, I didn't even bother to look up until I heard him next to me. With a sigh, I sat up and leaned my back against the wall, tilting my head up. The moon was brighter than it had been the night before, so I could see him clearly, which wasn't necessarily a good thing. He looked extremely uncomfortable standing there in his red and gold cloak, his hood pulled low over his face, but I couldn't help but notice how the material draped over his muscular form and how his eyes almost glowed in the dim light. I clamped down hard on those feelings. Once he saw me sit up, he pushed the hood back, and I was careful to focus on anything other than those gold eyes. I looked over his clothes and snorted.</p>
<p>"What's funny?" he grumbled.</p>
<p>I gestured to his cloak with a sneer. "You. Sneaking around the stacks in silk. Anyone who saw you would know right away you were a noble. We can't afford anything like that."</p>
<p>His eyes narrowed. "It was all I had."</p>
<p>"Oh, forgive me," I said blandly.</p>
<p>He heaved an angry sigh and reached into his bag. I stiffened and slid my hand under my pallet to grip my knife's handle. He saw the movement and his mouth twisted into a wry smirk as he pulled an irregular shape from the bag. "Here," he said, holding it out to me. "I brought you this."</p>
<p>I took it from him and ran my hands over the material. I'd never been able to afford any kind of fur, but I'd dressed a few animals for food and I knew the feeling. I had no idea what animal it was from, but the skin was thick and the hair was so fine it felt like I was running my hands over calm water.</p>
<p>"It's for sleeping on. I noticed you didn't have anything but the straw to—"</p>
<p>"Where did you get it?" I asked, my eyes on the fur in my hands.</p>
<p>"I… the palace. We all have them."</p>
<p>I got to my feet and thrust the fur back to him. "I don't want it."</p>
<p>"What? Why not?" I let the fur fall and he had no choice but to catch it.</p>
<p>I glared at him as I said, "Because I can manage without it. I don't need a fur stolen from some guest room in the Fire Nation palace when I've slept on straw my whole life."</p>
<p>His jaw clenched and he looked like he wanted to snap back at me, but he took a deep breath instead. I could tell he was trying to say something, but I didn't want to hear it.</p>
<p>"Please, Zuko, just leave. I don't know what you think, but I'm not in the Fire Nation to see you, and I don't want to. I meant everything I said last night."</p>
<p>I stepped back to let him leave, but he followed me, moving close and looking down through his dark hair at my wide eyes. That traitorous part of me that was all Fire Nation forced my eyes across his face and my stare landed on his mouth. I could see the white teeth behind his pale lips as he tried to gather his words. When my eyes caught his, I could see he'd noticed my preoccupation. Zuko's expression changed from anger to something very unexpected, but not wholly unfamiliar to me. I'd seen that look on his face once before, when he was on my healing table. Right before he'd kissed me. My eyes widened with fear and lust as his face came nearer to mine. I saw his chest rise out of the corner of my eye as he whispered, "Rei, I really do care about… I'm not the monster you think I am."</p>
<p>His words brought every bit of Earth Kingdom in me to life and I embraced my anger like a lifeline. I straightened my shoulders and forced him to move away. He looked surprised and it only served to drive my anger higher. "You know, Zuko, when I heard what you'd done to the Avatar and the Earth Kingdom, the first thing that went through my mind was how much I wished I'd let you die. I know you aren't cruel; you never meant to destroy countless lives, you just wanted to save your honor, do your duty to your nation. If I hate you, it's because I was stupid enough to be fooled into thinking you were capable of better."</p>
<p>His face filled with quiet rage and I glanced down to see his hands clenched into shaking fists at his sides, but I didn't back down. I meant what I'd said and I wouldn't apologize for telling him what I thought. Sparks rising from his fists drew my attention and I looked at him with wide eyes, ready to bolt. Was he really going to attack me just for saying those things? My own hands started to rise in temperature and I welcomed it. I hoped I could land a few burns on him before he overpowered me, at least. After a few tense moments, his hands relaxed and he took a step back. I let out a slow breath, but my hands didn't cool down. Soon, the warmth had turned to thick smoke and I closed my eyes to concentrate on quelling the fire.</p>
<p>"I won't hurt you," I heard Zuko say, irritation coloring his voice.</p>
<p>I opened my eyes and tried to focus on his calm face, but my hands were steadily getting hotter. "I know," I said, closing my eyes again. "It takes a while to…" Finally, I gave up and just buried my hands in the earthy floor of my shack. I kept my eyes trained on my hands in the dirt because I knew that my face was burning with embarrassment. Both the firebender and the healer in me hated for Zuko to see me so weak.</p>
<p>"Can you… Do you have any control over it at all?" Zuko's voice above me was incredulous. My silence was answer enough. "Are you still upset?"</p>
<p>I shrugged. "I don't always have to be upset for it to happen. It just comes."</p>
<p>His knees bent and suddenly a pale arm was in my field of vision as he reached for my hand. "Let me see," he said. I let him pull my hand out of the dirt, and there was still smoke rising from it. I took a deep breath and raised my head to meet his confused stare. "You shouldn't need anyone to tell you how to keep your firebending inside once you've calmed down. Every firebender I've met has just known how."</p>
<p>I yanked my hand back. "Well, sorry if it doesn't come naturally to have fire shooting out of my hands."</p>
<p>His eyes flashed as he snapped, "I'm not trying to insult you, I'm trying to figure out why you're having trouble with it." I clenched my jaw to keep from biting out a retort. "You said it doesn't come naturally, but it should. Firebending isn't like the other forms of bending, because it comes from inside you. It's as much a part of you as blood or oxygen." His thoughtful gaze turned hard. "I think it's because you denied it for so long. You think of your bending as something separate, so you can't really control it."</p>
<p>I forgot my anger as I thought over his words. "So what do I do?"</p>
<p>"You have to accept that you're a firebender. Until you see the fire as an extension of everything you are, all your anger, all your hate, it'll control you instead of you controlling it." He glanced down at my hands and smirked. I followed his gaze and saw that the smoke had stopped rising and my hands were resting benevolently between my knees. "See? The minute you stop thinking about the fire, it goes back to being a part of you."</p>
<p>I felt the corner of my mouth lift in a smile as I stared at my hands. That was the first time the smoke had stopped without me actively trying to quell it. Before I could think about it, I glanced at Zuko and said, "Thank you."</p>
<p>He looked surprised, but nodded. I followed him as he rose to his feet. "That's why you're here, isn't it?"</p>
<p>Kenshin's face swam in front of my eyes and my hand went unconsciously to my chest. "I'm here so that I can make sure no one ever threatens me again."</p>
<p>"Haven't you been training? Who's your master?"</p>
<p>I shifted my feet as I said, "No one, yet. I've tried every master I've heard of, but no one will take me. My status here isn't exactly legal."</p>
<p>His gaze went to the floor as he nodded. "Don't tell me any more," he said. The Fire Nation didn't have immigration like the other nations did. You're only a citizen if you're born one. He didn't want to know how I'd gotten a place in the stacks because the only ways for a non-citizen to live here were illegal, and he probably didn't want to be implicated. I understood, but it didn't stop the surge of bitterness. "How long have you been here?"</p>
<p>"Over a month."</p>
<p>"Let me train you," he blurted. My eyes snapped up to his face in surprise, but I couldn't have looked more surprised than he did at his outburst. "I mean you-you did… help me in the Earth Kingdom," he added.</p>
<p>My mouth opened but no words came out. My mind worked furiously as I considered his offer. Learning firebending from the same man who killed the Avatar and destroyed the Earth Kingdom? My breathing quickened and I clenched my jaw against the immediate refusal. It turned my stomach to think about it… but I'd already gone weeks trying to find a master. No one would train me and meanwhile, Kenshin was in my village, stealing money and intimidating my people. Still, I didn't want to be around Zuko anymore. My feelings for him were all snarled up with loss and attraction and anger and hate… but I needed a master.</p>
<p>"Saved your life, you mean," I said absentmindedly. At this point he looked like he was sure I would say no. In fact, I would guess that he was hoping I would say no. My eyes narrowed as I studied him. What was he doing here? Why did he even care? I could only think of two reasons. One, he was just interested because I was a firebender from the Earth Kingdom. Two… well, the more common reason a man visits a woman's home in the middle of the night. The thought made my pulse quicken and the adrenaline from my firebending episode made me bold. What did I care anyway? So I was attracted to him, he was an attractive man. That didn't mean anything more than a physical desire and I could control that. I could keep it separate, I always have. I took a step closer to him so that the material over my chest brushed the front of his shirt and tilted my face up towards his. His eyes went wide and dark. I could see the muscles working in his jaw and his breaths came heavy through his nose. He didn't move away. "Why are you really here?" I whispered. I could see him struggling to keep his walls up and I smirked to myself. It looked like I had my reason.</p>
<p>That's when I decided something. I needed a teacher, I knew that already. The only reason I didn't want that teacher to be Zuko was because I didn't want him to think I was alright with what he did. That part of me that decided Kenshin deserved to die for what he'd done, that let the thief die, that didn't give up my bunk on the ship, and that was attracted to the prince, that part of me was the firebender. And the firebender in me wanted Zuko to pay for everything he'd put the healer through. When I stood in front of Zuko and saw that he wanted me, acknowledged that I desired him, that was the firebender in me taking control and it felt good. I could have everything. I could learn firebending, I could take control back from Kenshin, and I could punish Zuko at the same time. After all, he told me to accept who I was.</p>
<p>I pretended to turn my face demurely away. "I guess I don't have a choice," I said. I made sure my sigh shook as I released it.</p>
<p>His uneven breaths echoed in my ear and I tried to keep the answering shivers in perspective. It was just physical, I could ignore it. "I know a place," his voice was rougher than usual. Ignore it! "It's on the south side of the mountains. The path is just past the docks. Keep to the shoreline and you can't miss it." He glanced out my window at the moon peeking over the stacks. "I can't stay," he said. "Tomorrow?" I nodded, my head still turned away. I felt the slightest pressure against my hair. I was unprepared for it and his sweet, hesitant kiss went straight through the firebender and touched the healer. He was out the door before I could react and it took me longer than I thought was possible to reach my pallet. I clenched my jaw and told myself it was fine. He'd just caught me off guard; I could do this. I just had to be careful. I found the fire lying dormant in my chest and wrapped the powerful feeling around me, drowning out the confusion and wanting.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>I sat up and rubbed my eyes, surprised that I'd slept in so long. The heat that day was oppressive, the hottest I'd felt in the Fire Nation so far. I dressed in a long, flowing red skirt and matching red top. It was the coolest outfit I had, mostly because the top was little more than a draped napkin across my front, leaving my entire back and a good bit of my chest bare, secured only with straps that crisscrossed my waist. I'd seen citizens around the city walking around in conservative, almost heavy clothes, but I never got that used to the heat. Dressed and ready, I pulled the cloth away from the door and secured it back to let the breeze air out my shack a bit.</p>
<p>I smiled when I thought of the night before. A surge of the power I felt when Zuko was so close to me was coursing through me, making me feel like I could do anything. I was so close to getting everything I wanted. I'd make Kenshin pay for all he'd done, and in the process, punish the prince who'd destroyed my kingdom. I straightened my shoulders and walked toward the door before I could lose any of my newfound confidence, my knife stuck under the folds of my skirt. I took a second to tuck the fur Zuko had given me under my straw pallet before I strode out of the shack.</p>
<p>The air was so thick with heat that I was breathing hard by the time I reached the edge of the stacks. I stopped to fill my water skin at the well before I made my way toward the docks. I got a few looks as I walked among the soldiers and warships, but refugees would often go down to the sea to fish or wash clothes, so I wasn't too rare a sight. Once I reached the shoreline, I followed the docks south until the raised platform stopped and I had to climb down to walk along the rocky beach. My confidence started to waver as the distance between sea and rock grew steadily narrower, eventually becoming a strip of sand no wider than six inches. The ocean lapped around my ankles and I fervently hoped that the tide would stay out until I reached wherever it was I was going. I'd been out of sight of the docks for about twenty minutes when something reached out from the seemingly solid wall of rock and grabbed my arm above the shoulder.</p>
<p>I screamed and quickly turned to rip my arm out of its grasp when my feet twisted in the sand and I fell hard in the water, the waves pulsing softly around my shoulders. I heard a raspy chuckle from the rocks and glared up at Zuko, who was leaning out from a crack in the rocks that I must have walked right past, but never saw.</p>
<p>"Oh yeah," I said, "it's really funny to scare someone to death."</p>
<p>He squeezed out of the wall and stepped into the water, a grin still on his face. I stopped my spluttering long enough to notice that this was the first time I'd seen him actually smile. It was enough to make me forget that I was sitting in the ocean. It was enough to make me forget that I hated him.</p>
<p>"It is, actually," he said. He held a hand out to me and I had to blink a few times to clear my head before I took it and let him help me to my feet. When I finally stood in front of him, his smile faded and his eyes widened in horror. I followed his gaze down to my chest. I tugged my hand out of his and splayed it over my scar. I looked down at the water swirling around our legs and clenched my jaw before I met his eyes. I hadn't even thought about my scar when I chose these clothes. I was so used to people staring at this point that it just never occurred to me that Zuko would see it.</p>
<p>"Rei…" he breathed, still staring at the scar.</p>
<p>I gave him a hard smile. "Now you know why it's important I embrace that more fiery side."</p>
<p>"How-?"</p>
<p>"So you wanted me to meet you here in the middle of nowhere, here I am," I cut him off before he could finish.</p>
<p>He finally took a deep breath and schooled his expression into his usually serious mask. "Follow me." He turned and walked back toward the rocks. I squeezed in after him and walked sideways through the rocks, the water occasionally creeping in around my feet. He took a sharp left turn and I was immediately struck blind by the pitch darkness of the cave, but I now had enough room to walk straight. I didn't hear him stop over the waves so I gasped when I walked right into his broad back. He reached back to steady me, but he never dropped his hand from my arm. My breathing spiked as his rough skin played over mine.</p>
<p>"Close your eyes," he said. His soft voice in the complete dark sent a shiver through me and I did what he asked. I heard the fire flare to life in the silence and saw the light from behind my eyelids. His hand finally released my arm and I felt like I could breathe again. I opened my eyes to see that we were standing in a small cave, the glistening walls curving up and around us. The bottom of the cave was damp, but there wasn't any standing water there. And it was cooler than it was outside, something I was immensely grateful for.</p>
<p>"Are we training in here?" I asked.</p>
<p>"No, I wouldn't risk it in such a small space."</p>
<p>I raised my eyebrows. "Then… why are we here?"</p>
<p>His demeanor immediately changed to uncomfortable. "I was thinking. You uh… you remember when I said that I'd been to see Uncle?"</p>
<p>Surprised, but still very confused, I said, "Yeah?"</p>
<p>His words came out in a rush. "I've visited him a couple times, but he won't talk to me. I know he's… disappointed, but I just want to know that he's okay. Other people have gone mad in those cells. I don't know if I can go anymore, Azula's already noticed."</p>
<p>"Azula?"</p>
<p>"My sister."</p>
<p>"I know who she is, but why would she care if you visited your uncle?"</p>
<p>His eyes narrowed and he looked through me as he said, "She thinks it questions my loyalty to the Fire Nation. Azula is… well, I don't want her looking too closely. Not that I have anything to hide."</p>
<p>My eyes narrowed as a suspicion started to form. "Why are you telling me?"</p>
<p>"Well, I've been thinking… You could visit him."</p>
<p>My jaw dropped open. I thought he'd been asking me to provide an alibi or something even remotely possible. "What makes you think I could even get in?"</p>
<p>Zuko turned and jogged to the wall of the cave, making the shadows dance on the walls. He came back with a bundle of papers and clothes. "Your name is Azue Ito. You're a criminal interrogation expert from Ba Sing Se and you're there to try to find out if General Iroh was working with the Avatar in secret."</p>
<p>I shook my head as I tried to puzzle through this whole situation. "Why are you even coming to me for this? Don't you have friends, or family here that would help you?"</p>
<p>He didn't answer for a long time, but when he did, his voice was flat. "Not really. None that don't think he completely deserved what he got."</p>
<p>I squelched the spike of sympathy. "It may have escaped your notice, but I'm not exactly a legal citizen. I would be taking a huge risk by walking into a Fire Nation prison and visiting a war criminal, especially if the princess is already suspicious."</p>
<p>"I know that, but I need you to do this. I have to know he's okay, the reports I'm getting from the guards… please." I could tell it was killing him to beg like this, and even though the firebender in me thought he deserved it, Iroh didn't.</p>
<p>"If it were anyone but Iroh, I'd tell you to go to hell."</p>
<p>He didn't smile, but his face relaxed and his eyes closed. "Thank you," he whispered.</p>
<p>He handed me a set of identification papers with my likeness drawn on the front page. I looked over the other two papers, but it was mostly locations and lists of people I'd successfully "interrogated". He told me to do my best to memorize everything there, and I repeated all the names and locations over and over again so that I could remember them all when he quizzed me.</p>
<p>Once he was satisfied that I would remember everything, he handed me some clothes and told me they were for an officer. I had him turn his back so I could change. It was a bit of a chore without the direct light from the fire, but I thought I did okay. The pants were easy enough, but there were three shirts, plus a breastplate and shoulder flaps of some kind. It was all very unnecessary and very warm.</p>
<p>"Don't you people ever get hot?" I griped. Zuko turned around and snorted when he saw me. "What?" I looked down, but couldn't see anything wrong.</p>
<p>"Hold this." Before I knew what was happening, Zuko was thrusting his handful of fire at me. I held up my hands to keep it from hitting my chest, but that left it to hit my hands. Zuko rested his hand in both of mine and then slid it back, leaving the fire to trail into my palms. My breathing sped up as I cupped the little ball of flame in my palms. I'd never intentionally held fire before, but it felt as exhilarating as it was scary. I watched the little flame pulse in time with my breath and felt the rush of heat up my arms that was keeping it alive. A small, fascinated smile lit my face.</p>
<p>I jumped when I felt Zuko's hands on my side, undoing the laces I'd worked so hard on. The flame flickered and dimmed. "No," he said, "concentrate on the flame… Think about why you want to firebend." Kenshin's face swam in front of my eyes and the flame grew again, almost as large as Zuko's had been. I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye and his hands resumed work on the laces. I wasn't sure if it was my imagination, but I thought that his fingers were moving much slower than was absolutely necessary. I recalled the mantra I'd developed the night before. It's just physical, you can ignore it.</p>
<p>It was a tense few minutes for me, but eventually he straightened the shoulder plates and stepped back to look at his work. His brows drew together as he looked at me. "Oh, yeah," he said before he moved to stand behind me. I felt that battle within me flare up again as his fingers slowly moved through my hair, gathering it at the temples and bringing it up into that knot on the top of my head. I expected him to step away once I felt the ribbon secure the knot, but he didn't. I felt his warm body close against my back, even through the uniform. I froze when his fingers trailed from the knot, down behind my ears, and finally to my neck. I felt his light touch on the sensitive skin there as he brushed my hair to one side, leaving the skin of my neck bare. It's just physical, stay in control. When his hot breath replaced his fingers, all thoughts except his mouth so near my skin fled my mind. The fire in my hands flickered and went out, but I didn't care. I couldn't hear anything but my breaths and his mixed together and bouncing off the walls.</p>
<p>"Tell me to stop," his whispered words tickled against my neck. He didn't sound playful, he was genuinely asking me. He sounded like he was as caught up in lust and heat as I was and was begging me to stop it, because he couldn't. Tell him, tell him to stop. It's just physical, you can control it. He was relying on me and I would let him down. My thoughts scrambled and faded to nothing but impulse. I gasped and tilted my head to give him better access as my hand went back to tangle in his hair. With a groan that was part lust and part defeat, his mouth met my skin, traveling across my neck and over my speeding pulse. His hand crept to my waist and held me tight against him, but I was already doing my best to get closer. I couldn't see, hear, or feel anything in the darkness that wasn't Zuko, and I loved it. It was every bit as exhilarating as holding fire in my hands. I needed more. I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted anybody.</p>
<p>I felt his fingers traveling down my waist and splaying over my hips, bringing them flush against his and it wasn't hard to guess where this would lead if I could just let go. It felt so good, the first time I hadn't had home or the Avatar in the back of my mind. My eyes snapped open wide. The Avatar. The Earth Kingdom. Suddenly, the dark started to feel oppressive. The blackness pressed down on my eyes and I couldn't see anything. I could feel Zuko against me, but it was different.</p>
<p>"Zuko," I tried to get his attention. Before I could say more, his teeth nipped lightly at my neck and I couldn't hold back a moan. I was lost for another few moments, but I couldn't get my mother's face out of my mind. I was the healer from the Earth Kingdom again and Zuko's mouth felt much warmer than it had before. I gripped his hands on my hips and pulled them away. "Zuko," I said again, "stop…"</p>
<p>I shimmied out from that very warm space next to his body. "I feel… like I'm betraying something."</p>
<p>I couldn't see him, but I just knew the expression that would be on his face. He'd be slipping back into that angry mask. "You're such a hypocrite. You want me, why does the rest of it matter?"</p>
<p>I paused in shock before blurting, "You killed the Avatar, Zuko! Maybe I thought I could forget that, but I can't."</p>
<p>He was quiet for a long time before he said, "What if I didn't."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"What if I didn't kill the Avatar?"</p>
<p>"But you did. Do you regret what happened in Ba Sing Se?"</p>
<p>Again, he seemed to be chewing over my words. He finally huffed a sigh and growled, "No, I don't. But I—"</p>
<p>"I didn't think so. I need to get going if we're doing this today."</p>
<p>His hand filled with fire again and I looked away from the sudden blaze, and from his angry stare. I was a coward, but I couldn't look at him. I couldn't believe how stupid I was. I could never have revenge on him that way, not if I couldn't keep it in perspective. I couldn't stop myself from losing control around him and I wouldn't let him have that. I had to learn firebending, but I wouldn't give that murderer my body. I couldn't. This little episode had certainly proved that I was out of my element when it came to the prince.</p>
<p>I followed his broad, tense back into a different tunnel almost exactly opposite from the one that brought us from the beach. The tunnel climbed upward, and Zuko extinguished the fire when we started to see sunlight. We emerged in a rocky depression behind a ridge. He sat on the ground with his back to the ridge and told me to peek over the top. I climbed up and saw we were right above a cobblestoned road. My eyes followed it as it traveled upward to the huge prison built securely into the mountainside.</p>
<p>"Here." Zuko shoved a small canister at me. "These are your orders to see Uncle. Just give them to whoever asks for them, but make sure you let them know what a huge inconvenience it is. And don't forget to stand up straight. And there shouldn't be any—"</p>
<p>"Zuko, it'll be fine. Is there anything you want me to tell Iroh?" My eyes were still trained on the prison.</p>
<p>He took a deep breath and said, "Tell him… tell him I… nothing. Just make sure he's okay."</p>
<p>"You arranged this whole thing to get me in there to see him and you don't have anything—"</p>
<p>"I said I didn't! Just go."</p>
<p>I raised my eyebrows but didn't say anything more. I left him on the ridge and made my way down the hill toward the prison.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Iroh</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for the kudos and/or reviews!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It turned out that sneaking into a Fire Nation prison wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. Oddly enough, the guards were more concerned about making sure no one got out. They weren't that bothered by an officer trying to get in. I was stopped once at the outer gates, and another time before the maximum-security wing. In fact, I thought that the worst part of this particular little adventure had so far been the oppressive feel of the place. I didn't expect a warm, welcoming feel for a prison, but from the moment I stepped inside, the eerie silence and dim lighting made me miss the sun immediately. There was no natural light, only small torches lining the solid walls. I guess in a Fire Nation prison built to contain firebenders, you want the prisoners to be as removed from the sun as possible, but it certainly made for an unhappy feel. There were guards posted along the corridors and some were running about on errands, but I never saw a single prisoner out of his cell. I didn't really know how prisons work, but Zuko's concern about Iroh losing his mind in here started to make a lot more sense.</p>
<p>I followed the instructions I'd been given by the guard posted at the maximum-security wing and followed the corridor to the very end. The hall ended abruptly with a steel door set back into the rear wall, a chair next to it with a very bored-looking guard occupying it. His arms were crossed, feet stuck out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. Basically, he looked like he was about to take a nap. Once he heard my footsteps and saw me, apparently an officer, approaching, his eyes widened with panic and he shot out of the chair, causing it to screech back a few inches.</p>
<p>"Ma'am," he bowed with his hands folded into the Fire Nation salute in front of his chest. It wasn't necessary for a superior to bow back, so I didn't.</p>
<p>I pasted my best condescending look on my face and said, "I don't have time for pleasantries. Open the door so I may do my job."</p>
<p>He dropped his hands, but didn't look surprised at my behavior. Rudeness must be a requirement for an officer. "Sorry, ma'am, but I'll need to see an order." I heaved a sigh and pursed my lips before I ripped the small canister off my belt. I handed it to him with a roll of my eyes. Once he'd looked it over and handed it back to me, he nodded. "I don't know what they told you, but I don't think you'll get much information out of this old lunatic. He's been out his mind ever since they brought him here. It's pathetic, actually."</p>
<p>"Forgive me if I don't take your word for it that my entire trip from the Earth Kingdom has been wasted. Open the door."</p>
<p>He shrugged and took a large key out of his pocket. With a loud clang, the metal door swung open. I strode into the darkness without another word, and he said, "There's a torch on the wall next to the cell," before he closed the door behind me. Obviously, he expected me to use bending to light the torch. Blindly, I felt around the wall next to me until I found the sconce and torch. I tried to remember the feeling of Zuko placing the fire in my hands and felt the heat rush down my arms, but it wouldn't come past my skin. I scowled at how temperamental it was being. It burst out at the worst times, but when I actually needed the fire, it decided to be shy. Then I remembered what Zuko said about my considering my fire as something separate. It didn't have a will of its own; it was a part of me. I felt for the fire again, but this time, I imagined it to be around my heart, coursing around my body with my blood. I coaxed it down my arms and out of my fingertips, much the same way I would point a finger. Fire filled my palm and I smiled fondly at it. My brain knew what to do with my bending, I just needed to trust it. I tipped the fire into the torch and brought the flames back into my body with a sigh. It felt like a limb had just come alive.</p>
<p>With the flickering light from the torch illuminating the room, I got my first look at the cell that was holding General Iroh. I was standing in a narrow space between the door I'd just come through and the bars of the cell. I peered through the darkness as my eyes adjusted and after a few moments, I got my first look at the man imprisoned there. Iroh was slumped against the left wall, near the back of the cell. His long, gray hair was falling into his face in dirty clumps and his clothes were filthy. His bare feet were almost black with dirt. All of that didn't scare me; what scared me was the dull, lifeless expression on his face. His eyes were unfocused, staring at the ground in front of him, and his mouth was slightly open, allowing a bit of drool to dribble out. I dropped to my knees and grasped the bar in front of me, wishing with all my heart that I could go to him.</p>
<p>"Iroh… oh, what have they done to you?" I moaned.</p>
<p>His eyes slowly moved up to glance across my face, and I didn't imagine the flicker of recognition or the sudden shrewdness that was gone as quickly as it came.</p>
<p>"Iroh… do you remember me?" I asked, hopeful. "I'm here to make sure you're okay. Please be okay."</p>
<p>His quiet voice made me jump as he whispered, "The healer from the Earth Kingdom?"</p>
<p>"Yes! It's me, it's Rei." I tried to keep my voice low in my excitement. I stood up and pressed my face against the cold, iron bars. Iroh's face lost all of its dullness and his eyes regained the intelligence I was used to seeing in them. He wiped the spittle off his chin and rose to his feet before he walked over to me.</p>
<p>"I would shake your hand, but I'm afraid it would be more of an insult in my condition," he chuckled. I laughed, mostly in relief. "May I ask what brings you here?"</p>
<p>"I told you, I'm making sure you're okay…"</p>
<p>"That's very kind, but I was referring to your presence in the Fire Nation. I never got the impression that you longed for a visit."</p>
<p>"No, I'm here to learn firebending. I needed a master."</p>
<p>He nodded, obviously deep in thought. "Now I'd like to know how you've gotten in here."</p>
<p>"Well… it's a long story, but I ran into Zuko and um… well, he asked me if I could come visit." Zuko hadn't told me to keep his motives a secret, but I was still a little nervous.</p>
<p>"Zuko…" he said.</p>
<p>"Yeah… He wanted to make sure you were doing alright, so he arranged for me to sneak in here." I looked around the cell again. "This place is horrible, I'm so sorry you're here. You don't deserve this, especially not for helping the Avatar."</p>
<p>"Things here are… tolerable. This is the price I paid, but it's one I would pay again to save our world."</p>
<p>My heart twisted with pity. "But it wasn't worth it. You're in here and the Avatar died anyway."</p>
<p>A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth. "Perhaps."</p>
<p>"But, Iroh—"</p>
<p>"Tell me, Rei, what has Zuko been doing? If you know."</p>
<p>"He hasn't been here that long. I only know what I've heard. He's been welcomed back as a hero, there was a parade for him and the princess…" I took a deep breath, "And he offered to teach me firebending."</p>
<p>Iroh's eyebrows shot up in surprise before he arranged his expression into a calm one again, but a bit of a smile played around his mouth. "Has he? I'm certain he will do a good job." I was glad one of us was. I couldn't help but let my eyes slide to the ground and my fingers tightened around the bars of the cell. "You don't agree?" Iroh said.</p>
<p>I sighed before it all came spilling out. "How can I trust him? He killed the Avatar, brought down the Earth Kingdom, allowed you to be locked up here… I hate him," I finished, but the words didn't hold any conviction. When I looked up at Iroh, there was a very knowing look in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Sometimes, my dear, the heart knows much better than the mind."</p>
<p>"How can you say that? You wouldn't even talk to him!"</p>
<p>"No, I wouldn't, but not for the reason you think." Iroh shuffled closer, and I was struck by the serenity I felt with him. He just had such a calming presence, something I hadn't experienced in a long time. I realized then that even though I hadn't known him for long, I'd truly missed Iroh. "There has always been a battle raging inside Zuko. My greatest fear has been that he would let the battle consume him, but it was always his to fight. He has looked to me for direction so many times, but I can't tell him what to choose. He has to do it himself, or the battle will never end."</p>
<p>I let my forehead rest against the bars. "What if he chooses wrong?" I don't think either of us was fooled into thinking we were just talking about Zuko anymore. I'd already begun to think of myself as a dual being, the healer and the firebender. I couldn't help thinking that the two couldn't survive inside me at the same time. One was concerned with harmony, the other with revenge. I could barely even sort out what I thought was right and wrong when it came to my plans for Kenshin. Or when it came to Zuko.</p>
<p>"Rei, we all must choose our own path, fight our own demons. But I've found that the outward battles are far less significant than the ones within ourselves."</p>
<p>"I guess these walls are making you crazy," I muttered.</p>
<p>He chuckled and said, "It's not the walls so much as the awful tea."</p>
<p>We laughed together before a knock at the door made me whip my head around. The door opened slightly and the guard's voice called, "Ma'am? Everything all right in there?"</p>
<p>"Of course it is!" I shouted back, and I'm proud to say my voice only shook a little. The door closed and I looked back to see Iroh sitting against the wall again, that vacant expression on his face. As soon as he was sure the guard was gone, he looked up at me with a wry smile.</p>
<p>"It's easier to make them think I've lost my senses. I don't get bothered as much this way." That didn't seem like a good enough reason to pretend to be a lunatic, but I let it go. I had my secrets, so Iroh was certainly allowed his.</p>
<p>"I should probably get going, anyway. We both know how much Zuko loves being kept waiting." We shared a smile before I bowed low to him. His smile widened and he bowed back from his spot on the floor. "Thank you."</p>
<p>"No, thank you. And Rei... the red becomes you."</p>
<p>My smile tightened and I turned to leave. I looked back at him once I'd reached the door, but he'd gone from sitting to lying down and wasn't looking at me anymore. With a small sigh, I opened the door and left.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>"You saw him? How did he look?" Zuko's voice bombarded me as soon as I'd climbed to the ridge where he was hiding. The sun was just starting to set and I was exhausted from the stress of sneaking into the prison and that snarled up mess that was my feelings for Zuko.</p>
<p>"He's been in prison since Ba Sing Se, how do you think he looks?" I said, but instantly regretted my snappy words. Zuko's face fell and he looked almost sick. "Zuko, he's fine. Really, he's as well as could be expected."</p>
<p>Zuko's eyes snapped back up to mine. "You talked to him?"</p>
<p>I nodded. "Yeah, but not for long. Trust me, he's as sane as ever," I couldn't keep a bit of sarcasm from leaking into my voice and I smiled fondly at the prince.</p>
<p>Zuko laughed, a beautiful, relieved sound. "Thank you, Rei. I was…" His face grew sad again. "Did he-did he say anything… I mean, did he ask you to tell me anything?"</p>
<p>I hesitated. Iroh didn't want Zuko to know why he didn't talk to him in the prison, and I had to respect that. Then again, Zuko's dejected face was twisting my stomach with pity. "He asked how you were doing," I finally murmured.</p>
<p>"What did you tell him?"</p>
<p>I shuffled my feet, uncomfortable. "I told you, I couldn't talk to him for very long. Really, I just had time to tell him how I got in there. I told him you arranged it, and that seemed to answer his question."</p>
<p>Zuko fell silent as he thought over my words, probably imagining the conversation between Iroh and me. Finally, he sighed and lifted the corner of his mouth in a smile. I'd never seen him smile so much, and it sent strange flutters down my stomach each time he did. His eyes moved back to the prison and he looked at it for a long time. I was glad he wasn't interrogating me because I honestly didn't want to tell him everything that Iroh and I discussed. I thought over the general's words about his nephew. There has always been a battle raging inside Zuko… My eyes traced over his profile and as I watched him think about his uncle, I started to see the prince in a new light, and that terrified me. Maybe I knew logically that he wasn't the monster I'd told him he was, that he wasn't a mindless servant to the Fire Nation, but I hated him anyway. Maybe he was just doing his best to keep his head above water in that sea of conflicting emotion that I often felt within myself. If Iroh thought he wasn't beyond saving, who was I to condemn him? There was no changing what he'd done… but maybe it was unfair to discredit his reasons for doing it. After all, how evil could a man who loved his uncle so much be?</p>
<p>I was startled from my thoughts by his quiet voice saying, "Are you tired?" His eyes slowly moved from the prison to my face.</p>
<p>"Not really," I said. I'd slept late that morning, and my mind was whirring too fast for me to feel any fatigue. And, I admitted to myself that I didn't want to go home yet. I wanted to stay with him a bit longer, if just to try and sort out my thoughts.</p>
<p>"We could practice your bending a little. It's weaker at night, but you'll be able to do some small things in the cave," he said.</p>
<p>Once back in the cave, Zuko held his handful of fire in front of him and sat cross-legged on the ground. I sat across from him and winced when the breastplate jabbed into my stomach. "Hang on," I said. With a sigh, I maneuvered to my feet and tried to find my pile of clothes. I was completely outside the circle of light from his fire, so once I'd located my clothes from earlier, I quickly stripped out of the officer's uniform and back into my own clothes. I returned to Zuko and took my seat opposite him, shivering when the cold of the stone floor seeped through my clothes. I looked up at him expectantly, but his gaze was on my chest and his jaw was tight.</p>
<p>"Rei, how did that happen?" he gestured the hand holding the fire at my chest, moving the shadows around the cave.</p>
<p>I felt my eyes go dead as I thought about that night. "A casualty of war," I said, reciting a line from the Fire Nation pamphlets. "Just teach me, Zuko."</p>
<p>Zuko stared at me for a long time, and I caught the flicker of unease in his eyes. I wondered when I got so good at reading him; I'd certainly been clueless when he was under my care in the Earth Kingdom. He seemed to shake himself, and finally said, "I think we should just start with a few breathing exercises to get you in touch with your bending."</p>
<p>We spent an hour or so sitting on the damp cave floor. As he coached me in the correct breathing technique and told me to feel the fire within me, concentrate on the heat, the cold of the cave slowly disappeared. I felt my body warming itself from the inside, and it felt so comfortable. Like I'd been cold all my life, and was just now feeling what it was to be warm. I could have fallen asleep there, listening to his rough, but calming voice telling me to feel the fire flare with my breaths. My eyes slid closed and I saw his fire flickering for a few moments from behind my eyelids before it disappeared and I felt the blackness close around me. I would have been nervous if my bending wasn't massaging me with heat.</p>
<p>"Do you feel it?" he murmured.</p>
<p>"Mmm," I hummed, my eyes still closed.</p>
<p>"Open your eyes." More relaxed than I ever thought I could be in a damp cave with Prince Zuko sitting in front of me, I let my eyes slide open, but I couldn't see anything in the pitch black. "Now, just let the heat flow. It knows where to go."</p>
<p>I felt the heat slowly meandering down my arms and raised my palms, much in the same way I would usher a friend out of the door. I just gave it somewhere to visit, something to do. The fire didn't burst out of my hands, it slowly filled them like a flower in the sun. I sighed contentedly. It felt so right, like relaxing in a warm bath after a stressful day. I couldn't remember ever feeling happier than I did right then. Everything in the world felt like it was exactly how it should be, even though I knew somewhere inside that that couldn't be right. My face relaxed into a smile and I watched the flames dance and twist on my palms, as happy as I was. My eyes wandered lazily up to Zuko to find him watching, not my hands, but my face. His wide eyes were glowing as the flames reflected in them and his mouth was parted. He looked enraptured, and I thought it must have been the same look I'd had while staring at the flames. Suddenly, he dropped his stare and fixed his eyes on his lap. "Now just think about bringing the fire back inside." Much like I had in the prison, I brought the fire back into my body like I would put a hand in my pocket. Immediately, we were bathed in darkness again.</p>
<p>"It's getting late," his voice sounded almost harsh as I felt the heat fade within me. I had to blink when he illuminated the cave with fire again. Without waiting for a response, Zuko got up and moved past me to stop near the opening for the tunnel that lead from the beach. "You can make it from here, the tunnel doesn't split off."</p>
<p>I brushed my hands on my skirt and stood, confused at his sudden coldness. I kept my eyes on him as I walked over, but he was avoiding my stare. I paused next to him and lightly touched my hand to his arm. "Are you alright?" the healer in me asked.</p>
<p>He pulled him arm away slowly, still looking away. "Fine," he said. "I'll let you know when we can meet again for training."</p>
<p>I paused again, but didn't know what to say. It was hard to reassure someone when you don't know what they're upset about and if I knew anything about Zuko, he wouldn't tell me. I sighed and walked into the tunnel.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>I was almost to the stacks when a shadowy figure stepped out from behind an empty guard station. My heart rate sped up, but I tried to tell myself it could be a coincidence as I continued walking. After all, it wasn't that late and I had seen others on my path. Except this person was standing still, waiting. I felt for the heat in my chest for a bit of comfort as I neared him. As I got closer, I could see in the moonlight that it was a young man, bald, with ragged clothes and a tired, drawn face. He met my eyes and quickly flicked his away. I stared straight at the ground and marched forward. The path was narrow and I had to walk past him to get to the stacks. I'd taken one step past him and let out a relieved breath before I felt his hand close around the top of my arm.</p>
<p>"Hang on, girl," he growled. I grunted and tried to jerk my arm away, but he wouldn't let go. "Stop! I don't want to hurt you, so just quit it."</p>
<p>I snarled, "You'd better get the hell off me or you'll be sorry!"</p>
<p>I brought my other hand around and pressed it against his face, drawing my fire out against him. He screamed and dropped me, but before I could run, another set of hands grabbed both my wrists and pinned them behind my back. I tried to get loose, but I was trapped. My firebending rushed to my defense and I felt the flames licking up my back, but whoever was holding me was a firebender, too, and he was suppressing my flames with a hand against mine. I doubled my squirming, but I only managed to tweak my left shoulder. The man holding me turned me to face the bald man I'd injured. He was holding one hand against his face, but it didn't lessen his glare. His free hand reached for me. I took a deep breath to scream, and was promptly slapped across the face before I could make a sound. That's when the full gravity of this situation hit me. I knew what would happen now, because it had happened before. I think my mind retreated somewhat to try and protect me from the trauma of this happening twice because I laughed. The bald man gave me a confused look and I laughed harder, the sound disturbingly bright. I just couldn't believe my luck. I'd travelled across the world and managed to find another Kenshin.</p>
<p>"Shut up!" he growled. He looked around, frightened. When I didn't stop laughing, he slapped me again, though not as hard. "I don't want to hurt you," he said. I stopped laughing and studied his face. He really didn't look like he was enjoying this, and the guy who was restraining me did really seem like he was trying to be gentle about it. He was holding my hands behind my back, but he wasn't jerking them so that my shoulders complained.</p>
<p>"What do you want?" I managed to say.</p>
<p>"We just need anything valuable you've got on you. Then, you can go home."</p>
<p>"Are you two really this stupid?" I said, still a bit hysterical. "I'm going into the stacks! How much money do you think I have?"</p>
<p>"Some. It doesn't matter, we need it. Where are you hiding it?" I glared at him and kept my mouth shut. "I'll just search you if you don't tell me. Do you want that?"</p>
<p>My jaw clenched tight, but I didn't want him to touch me. I growled in frustration and said, "I've got it in the right pocket on my skirt."</p>
<p>His face didn't change, he just reached into my pocket and fumbled around with the coins there. I didn't have much of Zhin's money left, just a few coppers, but it was all I had. I almost asked him to leave it, told him that I'd starve without it, but I didn't. There was no way I'd beg. When he drew his hand out, his fist was closed around the coins and I felt him brush against my knife, strapped against my thigh. He froze and glanced up at me. I couldn't stop my eyes from widening, and he seemed to guess immediately what it was. With a stony expression, he lifted my skirts and took the knife from my thigh. He didn't do anything else, but my face burned red with embarrassed fury. I knew without a doubt that I would kill them if I got free.</p>
<p>My voice shook with my anger as I said, "You two are a couple of real patriots, you know that? You'd leave a woman defenseless and hungry for a few coppers."</p>
<p>The man holding my hands leaned his face over my shoulder and I flinched away from him as he said, "We have to. The soldiers don't pay attention to these things in the stacks, so we don't have a choice. We're starving, too. And we don't have the options that women have for money."</p>
<p>My face twisted in disgust. I knew that many women in the stacks have taken to selling their bodies to the soldiers for money, but I never considered that. I would die before I let a soldier touch me again. The bald man picked up a rock off the side of the path that was about the size of his fist, and said, "Sorry. We need to." After a nod at the man behind me, he swung the rock at my head. The world went black.</p>
<p>When my eyes opened, the first thing I felt was the throbbing on the left side of my face. It was still dark, but the moon was significantly lower in the sky and I could see the very edges of dawn above the mountain. I groaned and pressed my hand to my head. I definitely had a concussion, and I was lucky if my skull wasn't fractured. I didn't think it was, but I couldn't do much about it anyway. My only consolation was that I wasn't dead yet.</p>
<p>I felt strangely numb about the whole thing. Maybe it was because they had been right in saying that it was no use to report it, or because I'd already had to deal with a similar situation. I let the anger simmer below my skin and held onto the numbness that was at the forefront of my mind. I sorted through my options and decided I'd just have to move on from it. I'd stop by the bath house and clean myself up, then I'd go to my shack and sleep it off, then I'd learn firebending and kill the man who was responsible for my being here in the first place. I felt a strange peace wash over me as I thought about how close I was to that goal. I soothed the pain in my head with the familiar fantasy of Kenshin's body limp on the ground as I stood over him. Once I mastered my firebending…</p>
<p>My mind automatically went to Zuko as I walked through the stacks. It was strange, I was usually bombarded with emotion when I thought of him, but this time, I thought about our moment in the cave with a detached curiosity. I tried to pull up the feeling of his hands and mouth on me, but all I could feel was Kenshin pressing me up against my counter, his disgusting tongue in my mouth. I tried to remember Zuko's scent and could only smell the smoke of my hut burning. Once I was back in my hut, the only thought I had about Zuko was how much I hoped he'd contact me soon. I needed to train.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Addiction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The morning after I talked to Iroh, after I'd been attacked and again unable to defend myself properly, that was when I really stopped trying to reason. Nothing else seemed important to me, nothing but gaining that edge over the Fire Nation. It was strange, I could feel the anger and hate inside me, right where it had always been, but it didn't overwhelm me like it normally did. I felt somehow disconnected from everything, and in some corner of my mind, it scared me. I woke up that morning with a rumble in my empty stomach, and I remembered that I didn't have any money anymore. I didn't even think twice about it, I walked out of my shack and strode down the street. When I walked past a vendor selling fruit, I simply reached out and plucked a piece. I didn't look around, I wasn't afraid I'd be caught, I just took it and kept walking. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't even consider that it wasn't necessary. I had to eat, and that was the easiest way. No one noticed.</p>
<p>I just kept replaying the episode from the night before over and over in my head. While it was happening, I'd been so angry at the thieves, but I wasn't anymore. It was my fault. I couldn't stop it, and it was my responsibility to make sure if I was going to be in danger, that I could defend myself. I sat on the rocky shoreline, ate the fruit, and experimented with the breathing techniques I'd learned the night before and looked forward to the day when I could kill anyone who wanted to take from me. By the end of the day, I'd stolen enough food for the next couple days and a piece of meat I'd always wanted to try but could never afford. It works both ways, and if they didn't defend against thieves, it was their fault that I could steal from them.</p>
<p>I made sure to get back to my shack just when the sun was going down so that I wouldn't miss Zuko. My mind shot little bits of warnings through the fog in my mind. Before last night, I would feel myself sinking deeper into that place where I could forget everything and just be with Zuko. When I was in his arms in the cave, I felt so content, and happy. I wasn't thinking about Kenshin for the first time in so long and it felt more serene than anything I'd ever experienced. My mind had been swimming in cool water while my body was on fire. It felt wonderful, until it was over. When I stopped him and his face slipped back into that angry mask, everything I'd forgotten in those few moments came rushing back and the thoughts felt heavier than they ever had because now there was guilt to add on top of them. Guilt that I'd allowed the murderer of the Avatar to get so close to me. That he'd been the one to make me forget.</p>
<p>Once, after my mother died, I'd broken down and decided to get drunk, just to numb the pain. It felt amazing, I felt weightless and free until the bottle ran out. Then, my stomach started to roil and my head pounded and all the pain came back. That's exactly how I felt after leaving Zuko's body heat in the cave. It was wonderful while it lasted, but that sort of thing can never last. Not when the pain is always going to be there, under the surface.</p>
<p>I sat and stared at my hands, sitting so uselessly on the tabletop. I sat there all night, waiting for Zuko, but he never showed up. When the red streaks of the sunrise started to rise above the stacks, my jaw clenched with frustration, shooting fresh pain through my injuries. He never actually said he would meet me that night, but I expected him anyway. How was I supposed to learn when my master didn't even care enough to let me know when he'd be training me? I sat there and thought about every possible way to kill Kenshin.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>It was three days before Zuko came to my shack again. I'd just gotten back from the bathhouse and I was arranging the fur to go to sleep when the cloth over my door fluttered. I'd given up hope that Zuko was coming to see me anymore, so I spun and raised my hands defensively in front of me, expecting danger. My heart was pounding and my eyes were wide with surprise when I saw who it was. I dropped my arms and straightened my back.</p>
<p>"Zuko," I said with a nod of my head.</p>
<p>His face was closed off, that serious expression he always wore pasted to his features. His eyes flicked over my body and he took a step forward. "Show me your stance again," he said.</p>
<p>My eyebrows drew together in confusion, but I did what he asked. I bent my knees and put both hands out in front of me, palms forward. His eyes narrowed slightly as he studied me, his eyes never reaching my face. "No," he said. "Your feet should be wider apart, shoulder width. And if you hold out your arms like that, you won't have any power behind your attack."</p>
<p>I felt my face slip into that numb, but focused, mask again. This is what I'd been waiting for. I slid my feet apart and bent my elbows, drawing my hands closer to my chest. "Like this?"</p>
<p>He took a breath and closed the distance between us. He took my right arm and brought it back out so that my palm was almost touching his chest. Then, he pushed my other hand back so that it was next to my cheek. "Make a fist," he said. "This is your defensive stance. Your right arm tracks movement while your left delivers the attack."</p>
<p>"Where were you?" I asked.</p>
<p>The only thing that betrayed his surprise was a quick flick of his eyes up to my hard stare. "I was… on vacation."</p>
<p>I stared at his face until he was forced to meet my eyes. "If you leave like that, you have to tell me. We have an agreement."</p>
<p>His face darkened with annoyance. "I don't have to tell you anything. Besides, I didn't know until the day we left."</p>
<p>"We?"</p>
<p>He raised a hand to rub at the spot between his eyes. "My sister and… her friends."</p>
<p>I thought that over for a while, but eventually decided that I really didn't care. I wasn't interested in how his vacation went. "We can't train here. Do you have—"</p>
<p>"I know where we can go. Follow me, and stay close. We can't be seen." He pulled the hood of his cloak up over his head and turned to leave. He stopped at my doorway and peeked out, making sure the way was clear. He reached a hand back to gesture for me to follow and he slipped out of the shack, towards the city.</p>
<p>"We're not going to the beach?" I whispered. He didn't answer, just took a sharp right turn when he saw an opening between shacks. The moonlight was dim through the clouds, and all I could see was his dark shape moving through the buildings. I quickened my pace and followed closely to his back as he stopped at another street. He looked left, then right. Then left again. Then right again. I huffed a frustrated sigh. "Just tell me where we're going, I can get us there."</p>
<p>He glared over his shoulder and said in a harsh whisper, "I know where I'm going."</p>
<p>"Listen, Your Highness, I'm willing to bet that I know the stacks much better than you do. Where are we going?"</p>
<p>He ran a hand through his hair in frustration before he growled softly. "It's just because it's so dark. There's a path at the northeast corner of the stacks that leads into the mountains."</p>
<p>The space we were standing in was very narrow so I had to squeeze past him to get in front. Our chests pressed close together and he paused for a moment before almost jerking away. He stood behind me and the hood fell over his face so that I couldn't see his expression. I rolled my eyes at his behavior. "Okay, you follow me. There are usually guards at either ends of the alleys, but I don't think they'd stop us even if they saw us." He glanced up at me, nervous. "Don't worry, I'll keep us hidden. It wouldn't do for the crowned prince to be seen in the stacks." I moved into the street before he could respond.</p>
<p>Once we'd reached the northeastern edge of the stacks that was tucked up against the mountainside, I stood aside to let Zuko take the lead. As he walked past me, he paused. "Rei, it's not that I'm ashamed to be seen with you."</p>
<p>I gave him a blank look. "You don't have to explain, Zuko… We're far from the Earth Kingdom, I know that."</p>
<p>"You don't know anything. It's dangerous, and not just for me. If my father found out I was sneaking out to the stacks for a girl who is not my fiancé, and who is here illegally, you'd be—"</p>
<p>I blinked. "Your what?"</p>
<p>He looked confused for a moment before he thought over his words. Then, his face cleared with realization and he cleared his throat. "I'm engaged. Well, not technically, but we've been courting for years."</p>
<p>Engaged. He'd been engaged the entire time, and hadn't told me. I felt like I should have been more shocked, but I wasn't. Of course he was capable of that kind of deceit. "Your vacation… it was with her, wasn't it?"</p>
<p>Zuko looked supremely uncomfortable. "Not just her."</p>
<p>I expected to feel jealousy, but I didn't. I only felt a spark of pity for the woman he'd betrayed, but then again, I didn't know her. And she was Fire Nation. If she was stupid enough not to see what he was doing, she deserved it. I felt like I was watching this whole situation through a window. It was sad, but it didn't really matter to me. Whether or not Zuko married this girl, I had to kill Kenshin.</p>
<p>I nodded and said, "Well, let's get going."</p>
<p>He looked surprised that I'd dropped the subject, but he was also relieved. Without another word, he led me along the rocks and down a narrow path concealed in some bushes. We walked down the path in the near dark for a long time and I was shocked that he knew the uneven ground so well. "How do you know all these places?"</p>
<p>He didn't even glance back. "When I was younger… well, I wasn't always welcome at home. I tried to get away as much as I could. Especially after my mother left," he added quietly.</p>
<p>My eyes widened at his back and my steps stumbled a little. I'd heard that there was no Fire Lady, but it never really clicked that Zuko's mother wasn't in the picture. I tried not to think of the Fire Lord most times. I didn't know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut. We walked the rest of the way in silence. I was breathing hard when we started to climb upward and eventually, we came upon an open area. It was open on one side to the sea, and I couldn't see anything but empty beach and the moonlight reflecting off the water through the thinning clouds. The walls were high around us, blocking out the lights from the capital and the dirt below my feet was scattered with scraggly patches of grass and bushes. It was beautiful, like a little mountain haven.</p>
<p>"This is my favorite place," his quiet voice said beside me.</p>
<p>"It's peaceful," I said, still staring out at the ocean. "I could use some peace."</p>
<p>He didn't say anything, but I felt him inch closer to my side as we both looked out over the water. His heat pulsed against the skin of my bare arm and I closed my eyes to focus on it. A good person would have told him I never wanted to see him again after learning about his courtship, but I didn't. A good person would have decided that another woman's happiness was more important than my own revenge, but I didn't. My mother would have. She'd have suffered in silence so that everyone around her was comfortable and safe. I couldn't. It felt so good to stand there with him, and I thought back to my realizations the day he left for vacation. Being close to Zuko felt like a drug to me. I didn't want to be near him, I only wanted to learn how to firebend, but being with him felt like I was finally home instead of wandering aimlessly. I always regretted it, but I never stopped it. Because when he was gone, I felt nothing. I was ambition and anger and hate, but mostly, I was a void. I needed him like an alcoholic needs a drink. Those three days had frightened me more than any other time I'd experienced.</p>
<p>"Zuko," I whispered, my eyes still closed. I felt his sleeve brush against my arm as he turned to look at me. I opened my eyes and turned to meet his gold gaze. "I'm trying to forgive you." I just thought he needed to know that.</p>
<p>His expression turned pained and he dropped his head to stare at the ground. So softly that I wasn't sure I heard him right, he whispered, "Don't." Before I could ask him what he meant, he stepped back and moved to the middle of the clearing. He stripped the cloak off and revealed just a light red vest that left his arms bare and that place in my chest flickered again at the sight of him. I took another sip of that bottle. "I'm going to show you the defensive stance and attack," he called. "Stay back."</p>
<p>He turned so that I saw his profile and sank into the stance he'd showed me in the shack. He stayed that way for a moment and I saw him take a deep breath before his face twisted into an expression of unyielding focus. His right arm drew back as his left fist drove a gust of fire in front of him. He twisted and brought his leg up to kick a wave of flame out from his body and used the momentum to send out a wall of fire from his right hand that trailed along the ground and rose at least six feet in the air. His body dipped and rose and twisted sinuously as he released a barrage of attacks. The clearing was as bright as day from his flames, but I wasn't really watching them. I was watching him, and he was beautiful. His eyes glowed from the light of the fire and his skin looked like it was alive and flowing as the flames danced over it. His limbs were strong and sure, and my heart was pounding. Rational thought left me and I wanted him. I was tired of being angry, and I was tired of all my hate. I wanted to feel something different, and I finally was. I didn't care what he'd done, I didn't care that he was engaged. Watching him, seeing him as he focused completely on the most primal part of himself, I lost myself again and I wanted him to find me.</p>
<p>I stood rooted to the ground as he brought his arms back into a resting stance and calmed his breathing. I didn't even try to hide my thoughts and when his beautiful eyes turned to meet mine, I saw them darken with all the lust that must have been in mine. Almost before he seemed to think about it, his feet turned toward me and took a sudden step in my direction, his eyes widened with purpose. Just as suddenly, he halted and squeezed his eyes shut. He turned his back on me and his hands clenched into fists at his sides. I stood and stared at him, waiting for him to do something. Because whatever he did, I didn't think I could fight it.</p>
<p>"You try," he said abruptly. He turned quickly and his face was back in the serious mask. It startled me out of the fog and my feet moved forward mechanically. I stopped a safe distance from him and crouched into the defensive stance like he'd showed me. His face took on a look of concentration as he examined me. "Good. Now, step forward with your left foot while your left hand pushes the attack." He stood next to me and showed me the first move in slow motion, without fire. I copied him the best I could, but he rolled his eyes and said, "No, you have to put your whole body into it. This is when you have to start commanding the fire." I tried again, but he just gave an angry huff and moved behind me. I did my best to concentrate on the move he was teaching me. "Try again."</p>
<p>"It really didn't look this complicated."</p>
<p>"It's not. You're too timid," he said coldly. My jaw clenched against the insult and I punched my left hand forward while bringing my right back. "Better. Throw your whole left side into the punch." I tried again, but my entire body went still for a moment when I felt his hands settle on my hips from behind.</p>
<p>"What are you doing?" I blurted.</p>
<p>"You're not getting it," he said. "Again." His left hand pushed my hip forward with my punch while his right twisted my other hip back toward him. My fire was reacting to my emotions and a little burst of flame shot out of my left hand when I punched. "Did you mean to do that?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"You need to control it. It's a part of you, it'll do what you tell it," irritation flooded his tone and I shoved his hands off me and turned to face him.</p>
<p>"Back off," I snapped. I didn't know what he was doing, why he was being like this.</p>
<p>"You asked me to teach you—"</p>
<p>"No, you offered it! Why are you being such a jerk?"</p>
<p>His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared. He took a couple steps back and growled, "Get in your stance."</p>
<p>I met his glare and sank into the stance. Before I could really react, he came at me, his hands raised to strike. I broke the stance and jumped back to dodge the blow he sent at my head. "What the hell!" I shouted.</p>
<p>"Firebenders don't run! You meet an attack with one of your own. That's your first real lesson. You are always on the offensive." He came at me again.</p>
<p>My mind reverted to the only move I knew and I quickly fell into my defensive stance and shot my left hand towards his chest. I hadn't meant to use fire, but the flame burst out against him anyway. Before the flame could reach his chest, his hand came up to knock my arm to the side. My eyes squeezed shut as I braced for the hit I was sure was coming. That wasn't what happened.</p>
<p>His hand wrapped around the back of my neck and his lips slammed against mine. My shock only lasted for a second before I was clutching every bit of him I could hold. My hands tangled in his hair and his shirt and I dragged him as close as he could get. A moan ripped up my throat without my permission and he used the opportunity to kiss me deeper. His tongue explored my mouth and danced with mine. His hands moved to my waist and he spun us both so that my back met with the rock of the mountain wall and I was trapped between two extremes. The cold of the rock at my back warred with the extreme heat of Zuko's hard body against my front and the sensations jumbled and drove my own fire higher.</p>
<p>My hands had a mind of their own and snuck under the hem of Zuko's shirt to caress the muscled ridges of his stomach. I'd never been kissed like this before, I'd never felt such a frenzy. His hands were everywhere and his mouth moved against mine like he was desperate for more. I knew I was. He broke the kiss long enough to wrap his arms around my waist and lift. He pinned me against the wall of the rock and the healer in me was screaming for me to stop this. She wanted to know why I was letting him touch me like this, and was calling desperately for me to shove him away. But the healer had grown awfully weak those past few days. The firebender wrapped my legs around Zuko's narrow waist and gasped as he pressed against the most intimate part of me. His lips moved into the hollow of my neck and sucked and nipped at my skin. I dragged my nails helplessly across his shoulders and tightened my legs around his waist as my head fell back against the rock.</p>
<p>He pressed me even more firmly against the rock so that his hands could slide down my sides to the hem of my shirt. I arched my back off the rocks so he could pull the shirt off me, and the separation was long enough for me to catch a glimpse of his face. His eyes were melted gold and his lips were parted with his panting breaths. I couldn't help it… I lost myself completely then. Nothing else mattered but being with him.</p>
<p>But my heart stopped for a moment when his heated gaze roamed over my bare chest. The scar was awful, obscuring the majority of my small breasts and tightening the skin at the base of my neck. His eyes met mine again and he must have seen the fear in them. His gaze softened and slowly, he lowered his face to my chest and kissed the edges of the scar. His mouth trailed down my neck and kissed the marred valley between my breasts. It wasn't as sensitive as before the attack, but knowing that Zuko accepted it, that he still wanted me, fanned my desire even higher. His hands moved up to cup and tease at my breasts while my fingers moved to the front of his vest and undid the straps there. Once it was open, I pushed the cloth off his shoulders and ran my nails down his chest, arching my body into his. He moaned against my skin and the sound went straight through me. His hand reached up to grip the rock above my head, I think to just feel grounded.</p>
<p>I grasped either side of his face and brought his lips back up to mine. My skirt was already riding high on my thighs, so it was easy enough for him to push it even higher so that the material bunched around my hips. Suddenly, we were only separated by the thin material of his pants. We both moaned at the feeling and our movements became frenzied again. I ground my hips against his and he had to break the kiss to throw his head back with a gasp. His mouth moved to my neck again and his hands gripped the tops of my thighs, bringing me hard against him. I reached between us to undo the drawstring on his pants. I couldn't let this stop here, not when we were so close to something amazing.</p>
<p>Zuko saw what I was doing and let my legs slide to the ground long enough for him to help me. Our heavy panting mixed with the sound of the waves against the rocks below. Once he was freed from all of his clothes, I didn't even get much chance to admire him before he'd closed every bit of empty space between us and lifted me again with one arm around my waist, the other gripping my thigh and shoving my skirts up. I felt him lightly press against my opening and whimpered in pure anticipation.</p>
<p>Zuko was shaking with the effort of holding back as he growled against my neck, "Are you a virgin?" His rough voice deep with lust sent another shiver straight to my core.</p>
<p>"No," I said.</p>
<p>Without another word, Zuko shoved into me with a quick upward thrust. My eyes watered with the pain as my body tried to accommodate his size, but he wasn't giving me any time. I should have explained how long it had been since I'd last had sex, but I couldn't wait, either. Zuko was way past being able to stop, and I didn't want him to. The pain started to fade as pleasure flowed forcibly through me. I slammed a hand back against the rocks to steady myself as I moved with him, taking him deeper and rubbing his length against my most sensitive part. He rested his forehead against mine and occasionally pressed sweet kisses to my mouth, my temples, my closed eyelids. I could feel myself unraveling in his arms with every thrust and all I could do was dig my nails deeper and wonder how in the hell the prince of the Fire Nation had managed to worm his way under my defenses.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Attachments</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing to register in my mind was the smell of salt, and I couldn't tell if it was ocean or sweat. The second thing was the overwhelming heat. I was sprawled across Zuko's chest as he lay on his back, one arm around my waist and holding me firmly against him, the other was tangled in my hair and resting on my neck. I opened my eyes slowly, unwilling to relinquish the feeling that I'd just had the best dream of my life. The moon was high in the sky, and all the clouds had fled, leaving the mountain clearing bright. I could see everything. His skin, so pale against my darker arm; the scars crisscrossing his body, the ones I'd tried to heal. I could see his eyes if I just lifted my head, but I didn't. I didn't want to see the regret there.</p>
<p>I knew he was awake. His hand was drawing soft patterns on my back and every now and then, he sighed. At some point, my skirt had ripped and was now laid under us like a makeshift blanket. We were completely bare in the light from the moon and there was nowhere to hide. Regrets or not, there was no running from what had just happened. Still, even as scared as I was about finally giving in to him, I felt more content than I had in a long time. With Zuko's arms around me, Kenshin seemed very far away. I was just terrified about what would happen once he had to leave, and I hated that. I didn't want to depend on Zuko.</p>
<p>As if he could hear my thoughts, Zuko took a deep breath and said, "I can't stay."</p>
<p>It was the first time either of us had spoken since he'd asked if I was a virgin. My hand tightened on his bicep for a moment before I forced myself to relax. "I know."</p>
<p>We'd disentangled our limbs and pulled on our clothes. We both seemed to be having a hard time meeting each other's eyes. Finally, he gave me a swift kiss on the forehead and left for the palace. After his footsteps faded away, I stayed in the clearing for a while. I sat on the edge of the cliff and looked out over the moonlit water. I'd never loved a man before. I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't a virgin, but love hadn't been in the equation before. Closeness, sure, but this feeling was different. I imagined I could feel him walking away, increasing the distance between us. My mother had told me about love, once. She said that it was like your whole being comes alive when you're with the one you love. She said that when she met my father, she knew that her whole self had changed. I thought about Zuko and a tear ran down my cheek before I could stop it. I didn't feel like that for him, that wasn't what this love was. He was a craving, the curse rather than the cure. Was it even love at all? I had no idea.</p>
<p>The dread, doubts, and anger set in after only a few moments. The healer in me was disgusted, and the firebender was angry that we hadn't trained more while I had him here. I'd been afraid that getting a hit of him would just make me sink deeper when he was gone, and I was right. Hatred tore through me and pulled my gaze west, toward the Earth Kingdom. Even if I did love Zuko, it would only serve to make all of this more painful. I hated myself for being so weak, for letting myself feel anything for him past distant forgiveness. He and I were on very different paths, we always had been. There was nothing for either of us in each other. He had the Fire Nation, his fiancée. And I had Kenshin.</p>
<p>I stood, my hand gripping the waist of my skirt closed, and headed back to the stacks. I walked down the mountain and my mind kept flashing between the feel of Zuko's mouth on me and Kenshin's. I hated him even more for sullying something that should have been beautiful. I should be laughing, singing with what just happened. Instead, my hands were shaking with anger and my jaw was sore from clenching.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>The next day felt a bit surreal to me. I poked my head out of the doorway and saw that everything outside looked exactly the same. Strange, but it felt like everything should be different that morning. I guess because for me, everything had changed. I felt off-balance and a little dizzy as I thought of what happened last night, and what it would mean. My hand went to my bare midriff and the healer in me startled awake. I'd had sex last night. Before any kinds of emotional decisions about Zuko were made, I had a few errands to run.</p>
<p>I made a quick stop at the bathhouse and headed toward the city. I knew where the healer's shops were, and I just hoped that the Fire Nation healers were as open minded as the Earth Kingdom ones. The first one did not carry anything close to what I was looking for, and my heart was pounding out of my chest as I walked out of the second empty-handed. There was a very small window of opportunity for most herbal remedies, and I did not want to miss it. As I almost ran for the third, and last, shop in the capital, I cursed Zuko. I knew it really wasn't his fault; I was as responsible for this as he was, but I couldn't afford a pregnancy. I didn't want a child, not in this world. I was disgusted with myself for thinking it, but I also didn't want Zuko's child. I didn't know if I could love the child of the Fire Nation prince, even if I knew he was more than that. It was only a little seed of doubt, but no mother should ever doubt that she loves her child.</p>
<p>I almost cried with relief when I saw the little jar in the shop that said "mintseng". I didn't even look at the price- it didn't matter when my pockets were empty. Luckily, there were a few other, wealthier looking customers in the shop to distract the clerk. I glanced around to make sure that no one was watching, and reached into the jar and took one of the little bundles of herbs. I perused the other items for a while before calmly making my way out of the door and back to the stacks.</p>
<p>Back in my shack, I held the clay pot that I'd taken from Zhin in my hands and let the fire flow out of my palms to heat the water inside. I laughed a bit in amazement when the water began to boil almost immediately. I'd spent so long denying my firebending, but it certainly had its uses. I held the pot in one hand and dropped the portion of herbs into it with the other. I let it boil there for a while before setting it on the ground to steep, just like I'd done for many scared girls back at my hut. When it was cool enough to drink, I raised it in a mock cheer and chugged it down. Mintseng was one of the best for preventing pregnancy, and it actually tasted really good. There was a minty coolness, but also a pleasant, flowery flavor. I felt like it should be disgusting, something to mirror the jolt of shame I felt when I thought about Zuko. Once the cup was drained, I laid face down on my pallet, waiting for the inevitable cramps. I'd had to take something like this once before, and I knew what would happen. It didn't take very long for the herbs to work themselves through my body and I twisted around my pillow, breathing hard through my nose.</p>
<p>These are the sorts of things the great love stories gloss over. I'll bet that most girls wouldn't have sighed so dreamily over the story of Oma and Shu if they'd known Oma would have had to endure this to keep a revealing pregnancy from ruining her and her lover's chance to be together.</p>
<p>That was how Zuko found me that night. I was so concentrated on drawing even breaths that I didn't know he was there until he crouched and put a hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright?"</p>
<p>I turned my head to give him a wry smile and said, "I'm wonderful. Just… stomach sickness."</p>
<p>I didn't try to sit up, so he dropped to sit on the floor beside me. His face was pinched with embarrassment as he reached into his pocket. I propped my head more comfortably on my pillow and watched him. "Listen…" he said, "what happened last night… it was my fault. Not that I'm sorry it happened, but… and I understand why you would kick me out for saying this, but—"</p>
<p>"Zuko." I reached out a hand and placed it on his knee. "I don't regret last night." I don't know if that was strictly true, but that emptiness in my chest was filling up with him next to me.</p>
<p>His head dropped, but his hand covered mine. "I don't either," he said softly. "I know I should. I just can't stop doing things that…" he heaved a sigh and rubbed his free hand across his forehead, inadvertently exposing his scar. That's how I knew how frazzled he was. He usually did his best to hide the angry, red skin. Finally, he raised his head to look at me. "I can't help it."</p>
<p>My mind flashed back to that feeling I had the second night he came to my shack, when I thought I could use sex with him as some kind of revenge. It only took one day in a cave for him to completely dissolve that plan. Now, seeing him with such a tender, trusting look on his face… I knew in that moment that if it weren't for everything he'd done, to Iroh, to the Avatar, to the Earth Kingdom, I'd fall so far in love with him that Kenshin wouldn't even matter anymore. At least, I have to hope that I would. I couldn't tell him that, so I just smiled at him. Maybe this was enough. Until I had to leave, until I had to go back to my village, this could be enough. I brushed my thumb across his and said, "It's okay." He gave me a tiny smile and my heart sped up a little at the sight. He was with me again and my anger was fading more and more.</p>
<p>"Actually, there was something else I wanted to say. Something I need to give you, anyway…" he was looking uncomfortable again. His hand reached back into his pocket and he took out a small bundle. He held it out to me, avoiding my eyes. "I'm sorry… and you don't have to do anything you don't want to." I snorted when I saw what it was. His expression became confused and a little offended.</p>
<p>I tried to hide my smile as I said, "Zuko, what do you think I'm doing lying here like this? I took that hours ago."</p>
<p>"You did? Oh…" he looked me over again, lying on my stomach. "I didn't realize it hurt."</p>
<p>He was sitting close enough that I could reach out and tap him under the chin to bring his face up. "Stop looking so guilty. It'll pass soon, it's already much better than it was." When his face didn't change, I sighed and pushed myself up and over into a sitting position against the wall. "See?"</p>
<p>His face finally cleared a little and my eyebrows rose in surprise when he scooted closer and took my hands in his, his thumbs moving over my knuckles in soft strokes. I hummed and let my head fall back against the wall and my eyes slid shut. My cramps were better, but they were still there and it felt nice to have something else to concentrate on.</p>
<p>"Can you tell me something?" he said quietly, his hands still rubbing soothing circles into my skin.</p>
<p>"What?" I let my lids slide open a bit so I could see him.</p>
<p>His hands stilled. "How did you get the scar?"</p>
<p>My eyes opened all the way and I stared at him for a while. I don't know why I didn't want to tell him… maybe I was a bit ashamed. I should have been stronger, powerful enough to fight Kenshin and the others off. I considered telling him to butt out, or lying. Then again, he'd trusted me with Iroh. And I'd shared plenty of myself with Zuko last night. I was quiet so long that he'd dropped his gaze and stared at our entwined hands.</p>
<p>"It was about a week after you'd left." His eyes snapped back up. I took a deep breath and told him everything that happened that night. How Kenshin tried to rape me, how I set my own hut on fire and let it burn in a bid to kill him. Then I told him about being held down, powerless and completely alone, as they tortured and beat me. His face never changed, but I could see his breathing speed up and his fingers clenched around mine so hard that the knuckles ground together. I even told him about Zhin. I figured I had enough dirt on him now that I could blackmail him into keeping quiet, just in case. I did not, however, tell him about Tomi. I couldn't risk his or Nobu's life. I also didn't tell him about the bandits I'd met the night before he'd left for his little vacation. I still considered that one mostly my fault. Nor did I mention how I was staying fed. I didn't think he would appreciate my stealing, even just to keep alive. I was surprised, but it didn't really hurt to talk about all this. I'd already spent months thinking about it, so saying it out loud wasn't that different. I was more worried about Zuko.</p>
<p>His jaw was clenched and by the time I was finished, and he'd dropped his eyes again. I sat tensed against the wall, waiting for his reaction. He finally took a deep breath and let my hands slide out of his. He scooted closer and sat next to me, his back against the wall, his shoulder pressed against mine. He didn't look angry anymore, he just looked very sad. I didn't know which one was worse. I raised a hand to brush some hair out of his eye. His head turned so he could look at me, and he brought his hand up to keep mine pressed against his cheek. His eyes slid shut and he leaned into me. I didn't even think of stopping him, I just pressed my lips against his.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," he murmured against my lips.</p>
<p>I leaned back so he could see my angry expression. "It just reminded me of a lesson that I should have learned a long time ago."</p>
<p>I heard him swallow. "With your father, you mean."</p>
<p>I nodded. "You remember when you told me that I shouldn't keep my anger locked up? Well, I don't want to do that anymore. That's why I want to learn firebending." I couldn't keep my voice from shaking with that anger.</p>
<p>He studied my face for a beat before he sighed and said, "You will. But I have to know… is there a specific reason you want to learn?"</p>
<p>Again, I considered lying. I could tell him that I just wanted to be able to defend myself, and that wouldn't be a complete lie. I opened my mouth to say just that, but what came out was, "I'm going to make him pay."</p>
<p>His eyes drew down in thought and I immediately cursed myself. He wouldn't want to teach me now. He wouldn't want to knowingly aid in the murder of one of his army's officers. I was waiting for him to tell me all that when he whispered, "Good."</p>
<p>"Good?"</p>
<p>He raised eyes hard with anger to mine. "He deserves to pay for what he did, and I think you have to be the one to confront him. When you do, you'll be ready."</p>
<p>I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him hard. It was amazing, I felt such freedom just from knowing that someone agreed with me. That I wasn't a monster for wanting to kill Kenshin. I felt justified. His surprise only lasted long enough for me to soften my lips against his. His head tilted to deepen the kiss and I felt strong arms go around my waist. Before I could get too carried away, I broke the kiss to whisper, "Thank you."</p>
<p>"I know what you're feeling, Rei. I've felt it, too." His voice had gone sad again and I drew back to look at him. His eyes were closed, but I knew from the angle of his head that he was trying to hide his scar from me. I placed my fingers against the rough skin and turned his face back to me.</p>
<p>"Do you want to tell me about it?" I asked.</p>
<p>He took a shaky breath and shook his head. "Just promise me that when you do confront Kenshin… you'll do it for both of us."</p>
<p>Both of us? I couldn't answer him. I wondered who it was that hurt him like that, and I mostly wanted to know why he had to get his revenge vicariously. But I didn't want to push him.</p>
<p>He glanced down at my stomach and asked, "Are you feeling better?"</p>
<p>I nodded. "They're much weaker."</p>
<p>"Good. We can go to the mountains if you want to. I've worked out a kind of schedule for your training."</p>
<p>"Yeah, let's get going."</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>"Just make sure you keep your arm straight, your aim will be better," Zuko called from behind me. He was having me do some simple exercises where I would punch my hands forward and a simple burst of flame would shoot out. "And don't let the fire past your hands until your arms are completely extended."</p>
<p>How did he make this look so easy? With the smallest adjustment of my arm, the fire would be off target by a couple feet. When I asked him, Zuko just told me that that's why it usually took years to master firebending.</p>
<p>"How long did it take you?" I asked.</p>
<p>"I started training at thirteen. I was a master by my fourteenth birthday. But that's different, I'm a prince. I had training every day, I didn't do anything else." He jerked his head to tell me wordlessly to continue. I continued punching, but I wasn't done asking about this.</p>
<p>"So you're saying that if I practiced enough, I could be a master within the year?"</p>
<p>"No. I also had masters instructing me during that time. Everything since becoming a master has been the practice."</p>
<p>"How long will it take me, then?" I growled and the punch that accompanied it sent a wall of flame directly at the stick that had been my target. I smiled back at Zuko and he smirked at me.</p>
<p>"If you kept that up, maybe two years. Maybe. It depends on the person, their natural talent."</p>
<p>I put my hands on my hips and stalked towards him, a teasing smirk on my face. "And what about me? What's my base talent level?" I stopped when my chest barely touched his.</p>
<p>His face fell into serious lines and he studied me from my toes up to my forehead. Finally, he smiled crookedly and quipped, "Average."</p>
<p>I shot my hands out and shoved him backwards with a laugh. "I can't understand how anyone could think you were a criminal. You're so charming."</p>
<p>He caught my hand before he fell back. He hit the dirt and I fell gracelessly on top of him. He was laughing. It was amazing how such a simple thing could make me feel so much. Even as the firebender in me warned again not to get too attached, I had to drop my head to kiss him. Our kiss quickly went from playful to very serious and in no time, my legs were on either side of him and his hands were entwined in my hair, holding me against him. It was when his hand started to travel south along the front of my body that I finally stopped the kiss.</p>
<p>"Wait," I said. He did, but he didn't look happy. I had to laugh at his annoyed expression, his hair wild from my hands raking through it.</p>
<p>"Why?"</p>
<p>"Because… if we do this, well, I'd have to take mintseng again and I really don't want to."</p>
<p>His face went from annoyed, to understanding, to crestfallen. "So, you… I understand." He made to gently push me away, but I tightened my hold.</p>
<p>"It's not that I don't want to be with you again! Just, there are other methods. Ones that won't rip my stomach in half. I just need time to get them."</p>
<p>I expected him to look relieved or happy, but he really didn't. That puzzled me until he said, almost to himself, "Yeah, Mai takes something every day."</p>
<p>Mai. "Your fiancée."</p>
<p>His hands dropped from me and I clamored my way off his lap. The mood was most definitely gone. He rubbed a hand across his face. "What am I doing?"</p>
<p>I huffed a frustrated sigh. "Yeah, Zuko, what are you doing? From where I'm standing, you have everything you could ever want back in the Noble Quarter."</p>
<p>"I don't know."</p>
<p>That was a shot right to my temper. He had no idea? "Listen, I don't care what happens here as long as I learn firebending. I'm not forcing you away from your Fire Nation fiancée."</p>
<p>His head shot up with a glare. "Don't talk about Mai!"</p>
<p>"I wasn't the one who brought her up!" I got to my feet and crossed my arms.</p>
<p>He followed me to his feet. "Hey, I've never done this before! There's no rulebook for what we're doing—"</p>
<p>"We're not doing anything. You agreed to train me, so I won't let you back out on that. If you want to stop the sex, we can. You're the one making the choices, here, Zuko."</p>
<p>"I wasn't even… you're the one blowing this out of proportion!"</p>
<p>I was about to snap back when a sudden thought made my eyes narrow. I remembered what Iroh said about choices, something similar to what I'd just said. "Why would you even bring her up?"</p>
<p>"I didn't mean—"</p>
<p>"I think you brought her up so that I'd be angry with you," I said calmly. His jaw snapped shut and I knew I'd struck a nerve. "I'm right, aren't I? You wanted me to get mad so… what? So I'd end this? You want me to take the choice out of your hands." I sneered at him. "You're pathetic."</p>
<p>I made to storm out of the clearing, but he caught my arm as I tried to walk past him. "I don't know, okay!? I don't know what I'm doing, or why! I don't know why I slept with you when I have Mai. All I know is that when I was on Ember Island, I tried really hard to just let go and be happy there with my sister and Mai. But I couldn't. I can't get you out of my head! It's like whenever I try to figure out what I'm doing, I hear you telling me how evil I am or I hear my father telling me he's proud of me."</p>
<p>I yanked my arm out of his grasp, but my feet stayed planted. "You don't need to feel so guilty. I'm not asking you for anything, Zuko, and I don't expect you to… I don't know. All I need from you is training. I know who you are, and I don't expect some kind of revelation or… or for you to apologize for everything you've done. If I were the fiancée, then maybe, but I'm not. You don't owe me anything past your firebending."</p>
<p>His head fell into his hands. "I'm just so confused."</p>
<p>My mind was spinning and my anger was fading again. He wasn't being deliberately cruel, he was just being weak, and I couldn't really be mad at him for that. I've been confused enough during my stay in the Fire Nation. I sighed and softened my voice. "What are you confused about?"</p>
<p>He turned his back and strode to the edge of the cliff overlooking the ocean. I followed him, but stopped short of standing beside him. His voice was filled with rage as he said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I don't know… what's right."</p>
<p>I couldn't stop myself from wincing a bit at that. "I meant what I said, Zuko. We can stop this right now."</p>
<p>"No, not… it's not just you." His shoulders lifted as he took a huge breath. "I feel like I'm all alone. I have my family back, my honor, my nation… but I don't feel like a part of it anymore." I didn't know what to say to that. I could hardly consider it a loss that he wouldn't feel connected to the Fire nation anymore. I was a bit shocked to hear that things weren't blissful for him back in the capital, but then again, he wouldn't be in my little shack so often if they were. "I guess I just thought it would be perfect when I came home."</p>
<p>I thought about my own situation. "Things are never that simple."</p>
<p>He suddenly turned and stood in front of me. "I don't want to stop this," he said, his hand caressing my face. "When I'm with you, I feel… not any less confused, but like it doesn't matter as much. There's just so much they can't understand, but that you can."</p>
<p>It should make me feel sublimely happy to hear that, but it didn't. I was so scared that we were both getting in deeper than I'd ever intended. I threaded my fingers through his where they rested against my cheek and brought our hands down. "Zuko, what do you think this is? I may understand what it's like to be confused, or to feel like I don't belong somewhere, but I don't know what it's like to be a banished, then vindicated, prince. I don't know how to help you—"</p>
<p>"You don't have to. I just… please stay with me."</p>
<p>I recoiled a bit at that. His eyes had dropped like he was ashamed of being so weak, and I couldn't blame him. "You know I can't stay in the Fire Nation forever- I have to get to Kenshin." I didn't even understand why he needed me in particular. He could get companionship from any number of women in the stacks; money was no issue for the prince. It wasn't like I was an encouragement for him, or even a confidant. This was probably the longest, most serious conversation we'd ever had, and I was no closer to understanding what he was asking me for than when we'd started. "Besides, I don't want to be your mistress for the rest of my life. I don't want to stay here."</p>
<p>"I'm not asking for that. Just… until you go. Please." Before I could say anything, he dipped his head and met my mouth with his. And I supposed that... as long as we both knew. As long as we both knew that when I left, I left. As long as he understood that I couldn't stay here with him, that I really didn't want to, then we could do this. We could find respite with each other.</p>
<p>The next day found me lying face down on my pallet, an empty teacup beside me, and cramps racking my body again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Choices</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We fell into a routine, Zuko and I. Some nights, he couldn't get away from the palace or his family long enough to train me, so on those nights I would practice on my own. I'd head to the mountains right when the moon replaced the sun and gave myself over to my bending. It was actually soothing to stand there in the clearing with nothing and no one but the sound of the waves and the fire streaming from my palms. But on those nights when I'd given up on him meeting me only to look up and see him standing at the mouth of the pass, watching me, that small smile on his face that was exclusively mine, those were the nights when I could truly get lost. He always came late, only a few hours before sunrise, but it was enough. We always trained first. He'd show me a new move and he'd drill until I got it right, then we'd spar until I could do it under pressure, which sometimes led to bitter insults and one of us leaving in a huff, but most times it led to us tangling together on the cold floor of the clearing, releasing every bit of pent up anger, frustration, helplessness, longing, and fear. The thing was, Zuko knew the worst about me. He knew what I was ashamed of, what I feared, what I hated. And he still wanted me. That's something that I knew was precious, despite what he was.</p>
<p>I never asked him about his life, or what he'd done that day. I just felt so removed from the Fire Nation itself when I was in that clearing with him. I had a purpose and I was fulfilling it, but I could finally do it without that devastating anger that filled me every time I left him and went back to my shack. It was relaxing, and that's something I'd almost forgotten how to feel. Things stayed this way for weeks, and I was… well, not happy, but content. I wasn't in any huge rush to get back to Kenshin, He was the only goal I had for myself, so I could easily spend as much time as it took to master every method of firebending that would allow me to kill him. I tried not to think too much about timeframes.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>As soon as dusk settled over the stacks, I readied myself to head to the mountains. Since I'd had to start sleeping during the day to make up for meeting Zuko at night, I had to take the time to bathe and dress in the dimming light. Once I returned from the bathhouse and gathered what little provisions I wanted to bring, it was full dark. I reached out to brush my door cloth aside, but it fluttered before I could touch it. I pulled back with a gasp as Zuko slipped through the doorway, his head lowered and his hood pulled down over his face.</p>
<p>"Zuko, what are you doing coming here so—"</p>
<p>Before I could finish scolding him, he threw his hood back and grabbed either side of my face, holding me still so he could slam his mouth to mine. I whimpered in surprise, but he didn't give me any time to adjust. I tore my mouth away to tell him to stop, but his mouth just moved to my neck, his lips raking desperately over my skin.</p>
<p>"Zuko!" I meant to sound stern, but his name slipped past my lips in a gasp.</p>
<p>"Shh…" he whispered against my neck. He pushed me backwards, his breaths hot as his lips travelled back to mine. My heel caught on the edge of my pallet and we fell in an undignified tangle of roving lips and hands onto the straw cushioned with fur. I was caught up in him again, and I couldn't help but let desire crowd out that ever-present fear of discovery.</p>
<p>It was so dangerous for us to do this in my shack. The walls were so thin and the entrances so insecure that my neighbors probably knew from that first gasp that I had male company. This is why we met in the mountains, where we could abandon every sense of discretion or shame. We had a silent agreement to always save ourselves for those stolen hours in the clearing. In fact, Zuko hadn't been inside the shack since he showed me the clearing. Now, he was here, caressing me with a desperate edge. He never slowed his frantic pace as he hauled my upper body off the pallet to rip my shirt off. I fell back with a gasp as he devoured my exposed skin with lips, tongue, and teeth. I was startled by the ferocity, but so lost in the pleasure and risk that it almost overwhelmed my logic. Almost.</p>
<p>We'd always been equal partners in sex, but this was different. In the brief periods of clarity in my mind, I realized that he was upset, that this wasn't just arousal. I'd glance down to see his face pinched with concentration, not abandonment. His palms burned my skin, telling me that he wasn't in control of his bending. I tried to caress him and he would pull my hand away, unwilling to let me give any pleasure back. I lay bare beneath him, but he wouldn't let me strip any of his clothes off him.</p>
<p>That niggling unease was starting to drill through the pleasure of Zuko kissing a path down my stomach and between my hips, but my body was quivering in anticipation. The first time he'd done this, I'd come apart so explosively that that he'd had to hold my hands at my sides as fire burst unbidden from my fingertips. I tried to tell myself to just lay back and enjoy it, but I couldn't stop worrying about him. I gripped my fingers into his hair and said, "Zuko, stop."</p>
<p>I felt him smirk against my skin as his mouth moved against me again. I couldn't stifle a gasp and he said, "You don't want me to stop."</p>
<p>I pushed my hands flat against the pallet and scooted up and away from him, kicking him gently away from my lap. The moonlight was bright enough for me to see him frowning at me, his expression almost angry, his jaw muscles flexing. I pulled my clothes on as he glared at me. Once I was covered, I shuffled close again. When my legs were entwined with his and I was leaning my shoulder against the wall, his expression cleared a little. The anger leaked away, and I was unsurprised, but still confused, to see sadness take its place. I put a hand against his face and his eyes fluttered closed.</p>
<p>"What's going on?" I murmured.</p>
<p>He took a shaky breath and mumbled, "I didn't do it."</p>
<p>My brows drew down in confusion. "What?"</p>
<p>He shook his head, trying to gather his words. "Yesterday, my uncle sent me a note. He said I needed to learn about how my great-grandfather died…"</p>
<p>"Sozin," I said, my voice level. I dropped my hand from his face. When his eyes opened, I could see they were almost pleading, waiting for my reaction. I didn't want to hear about Fire Lord Sozin. I didn't want to be reminded that the man I let into my bed was related to the person who was responsible for the war. This wasn't what our relationship was supposed to be, but I'd been the one to demand answers. I braced myself mentally and nodded for him to continue.</p>
<p>"It wasn't about Sozin… or not completely. Do you know of Avatar Roku?" I nodded again. Everyone knew of the Avatar who died before he could prevent the Fire Nation from attacking. Zuko took a deep breath and said, "Then you know he was from the Fire Nation… He was my great-grandfather, too."</p>
<p>Zuko told me the whole story and I sat frozen, my eyes wide as he recounted the history of the two best friends who grew up to be enemies. That one of the most evil men in history could have been a close friend to the Avatar was incredible. Zuko's voice was soft and his eyes were trained on his hands, clenched in his lap and resting on my shin. I didn't think to take my legs out of his lap as I listened to the amazing tale.</p>
<p>"…I had to talk to Uncle about it, I was so confused because his note said that the history would reveal how my great-grandfather died, but Sozin was still alive at the end. I snuck into the prison—"</p>
<p>"Wait, I thought that was too dangerous!"</p>
<p>"I had to. Rei, I just needed to know why… Anyway, my uncle talked to me. He told me that Roku was also my great-grandfather…" his voice trailed off and I waited for him to say something. Finally, his head fell against the wall and his eyes closed as he said, "I never felt like I did anything right in my life. Ever since I was a kid, nothing I did was ever good enough or what I was supposed to do. I never knew it, but Uncle was the only one who ever really understood."</p>
<p>"So he told you about your two great-grandfathers?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, he said it was to understand the sins of our family… and what I have to do. I'm sorry for kind of attacking you… I guess I just wanted to clear my head. I can't stop thinking about all this, what it means."</p>
<p>My eyes unfocused as I remembered what Iroh had told me about Zuko. He must have felt that Zuko was taking too long to figure it out, so he sent him a nudge. We were both quiet for a long time, both lost in our own thoughts. Then, I remembered something.</p>
<p>"Zuko? Before, you said 'I didn't do it'. What did you mean?"</p>
<p>He studied me for what felt like an eternity before he said, "It's strange. I almost don't want to tell you…" When I didn't say anything, he sighed and said, "Rei, I didn't… and nobody can know this, but… when I was in Ba Sing Se, when I found my sister and we fought the Avatar…" My stomach dropped and I felt sick. What could possibly be worse than killing the Avatar? He dropped his head in shame. "The Avatar is alive."</p>
<p>The breath left my body and it felt like my lungs had squeezed shut. My mouth worked as I tried to breath in gasps of air. Finally, I recovered enough to rip my legs away from him with a glare. I growled, "Don't you dare lie to me, not about that."</p>
<p>His hands rubbed at his face and his shoulders hunched over. "I'm not lying. I didn't even take the shot, Azula did," he was the very picture of shame. "But he survived."</p>
<p>"How?" I choked.</p>
<p>"The waterbender, Katara. She's a healer and she had spirit waters. I know he's alive, and I think Azula does, too."</p>
<p>"Why didn't you tell me?" I was slowly recovering from the initial shock, and I was surprised to feel a stab of betrayal.</p>
<p>"I almost did. You hated me so much and I hated myself for hiding it, but… the only reason I was allowed to come home was because I killed the Avatar. Rei, I'm sorry, I was just so tired of being out there. For years, all I could think about was getting home—"</p>
<p>"You didn't kill the Avatar?"</p>
<p>He looked up at me and shook his head. "No. I didn't."</p>
<p>My eyes filled with unfamiliar tears and my chest swelled with long-abandoned hope. For my nation, my people, my way of life. The Avatar was alive! If the Avatar was alive, the Earth Kingdom was alive. A sob escaped my throat and my arms were suddenly around Zuko's neck, and I was crying into his shoulder. I could feel his muscles tense, and he didn't put his arms around me.</p>
<p>"Rei, stop." He gently pulled me away from him. I wiped my eyes as he said, "It doesn't feel right to celebrate. It wasn't because I'm noble, it's because I'm a coward. I knew I should have taken the shot, but my sister had to do it for me." He stood up to leave, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down.</p>
<p>"Listen to me. It's easy to kill, to follow orders. What's hard is knowing which orders shouldn't be followed. It would have been wrong to kill the Avatar, this war is wrong. So much suffering can never be for a good cause. You didn't take the shot because you're better than they are, not because you're a coward. Your uncle knows it, and I think you should, too." I was so caught up in my emotions that I didn't think to filter what I was saying, but it was all true. My anger toward Zuko was based on his family, his bending, and his murder of the Avatar. He couldn't help the first, it was just hypocritical to hate him for being a firebender at that point, and now I'd found out he hadn't been responsible for the Avatar's alleged death. I was running out of hatred for him.</p>
<p>He pulled his hand out of mine with a grimace. The words spilled out of him, "You don't understand! I never knew what I was doing. I regretted not taking that shot! I knew the second Katara escaped with the Avatar's body that she would bring him back, and I didn't say anything. I'm so confused; I wanted her to fail, but I knew she wouldn't and I was happy about it, too. Then Azula… she's such a monster. She gave me the credit for the kill because she knew I would get the blame when he returned."</p>
<p>"But, Zuko, everything is working out right, don't you see that? With the Avatar, we can win the war!"</p>
<p>"I'm not on his side!" he almost shouted. I reached up to cover his mouth with my hand, and he pulled it away. He hushed his voice, but it didn't lose any intensity as he continued, "I don't know what I want, Rei, but I have already betrayed everyone. I'm not even who you think I am right now. I sent an assassin after the Avatar." His eyes widened as he realized what he said.</p>
<p>"You… when?"</p>
<p>"When I first got here. I haven't heard back, so he must have failed…" he shook his head and dropped his eyes, but my heart beat again with relief. "I'm the prince of the Fire Nation. That's what I'll always be. I don't have a choice…"</p>
<p>"You always have a choice, Zuko. That's what Iroh was trying to tell you." I rose to my knees and took his face into my hands. "You decide what it means to be the prince." I lowered my face to his and kissed him with every ounce of the emotion that was rushing through me. He hadn't killed the Avatar, he was confused about his part in the Fire Nation, and I was falling in love with him.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>We were toying with danger again as I lay on my side, my back snuggled up against his front. His arm was firm around my waist and our bodies were pressed together, skin to skin, reminding me that this couldn't last while at the same time tempting me to make sure it did. I could feel his steady breaths moving the hair at my neck and I knew he was asleep. We'd never slept together like this before; it was too dangerous. I knew I should wake him- the moon was sinking lower in the sky and he had to get back to the palace, but I couldn't. Strangely, my mind flashed back to a moment of my childhood when I'd fallen asleep under a tree behind our home. My father's arms had cradled me, my mind still in that place that was heavy with sleep, and brought me back inside to my pallet and laid me down. From then on, I'd always pretend to fall asleep outside so that my father would have to carry me into the hut. I'd felt so safe and loved while he held me.</p>
<p>With Zuko's arms around me, I had that feeling again. I knew it was stupid and I knew that it wouldn't last, but I cherished it anyway, and was dreading the morning. Before I realized it, I'd let out a heavy sigh. Zuko's arm tightened reflexively around me and he stirred against my back.</p>
<p>"You alright?" he murmured sleepily.</p>
<p>"Yeah, sorry if I woke you," I whispered.</p>
<p>I craned my neck to glance back at him and he gave me a sleepy smile that quickly turned to a frown as he glanced out the window. "I should go."</p>
<p>I turned over under his arm so that I faced him. "Wait, no. Please, just stay a little longer," I blurted. The sleep cleared from his face as he looked at me in surprise. Finally, he burrowed back down into the fur and curled the arm my head was resting on around my shoulders. With my face pressed into his neck, there was nothing I could see, smell, or feel that wasn't Zuko.</p>
<p>"Rei…" he said, his voice hesitant.</p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p>"Who was your first?"</p>
<p>I was surprised at the question, but answered him right away. "A boy in my village. We were friends as children. When my mother died, I was all alone and I… I didn't know how to handle it. He helped me forget." Shan. He'd been the one to first show me that my life hadn't stopped with my mother's death.</p>
<p>"Did you love him?"</p>
<p>"He was my best friend and he'd been there for me when no one else was… I loved him for that. But I wasn't in love with him, no."</p>
<p>"Do you still see him?"</p>
<p>I buried my face closer into Zuko's neck. "Shan was drafted into the army when we were eighteen. He died at Gaoling."</p>
<p>He didn't say anything, just waited for me to get my breathing under control. When I did, I tried to recapture the lighter mood and said, "Okay, now you tell me. Who was yours?"</p>
<p>He hesitated before saying simply, "Mai."</p>
<p>We both stiffened against each other and suddenly his arms felt awkward around me. I licked my dry lips and sighed. "Sorry," I said.</p>
<p>"I started it. I should probably go." I nodded and let him climb over me to get his clothes. He slipped out of my doorway with a quick, "See you tonight."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Criminal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is my favorite chapter :) Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My motivations for sneaking out to the clearing started to shift. Kenshin was still very much in my thoughts, but I'd be lying if I said that Zuko wasn't just as prominent. My focus on training was waning; I wasn't fueling my firebending with the same intensity. That's why I didn't notice at first that he wasn't training me as hard as before. He was showing me fewer attack moves, more defensive ones. Sometimes I would realize that I wasn't learning as much as I had been, that it wasn't as intensive, but those thoughts leaked away when he came into the mountain clearing with that half smile I had to believe was just for me.</p>
<p>""""</p>
<p>The sun was deceptively bright that day and it lulled my mind into believing that the night would come faster if I could just get out of that shack for a few minutes. The streets were busy, as they always were, and the smells coming from the food carts was mouthwatering. One cart housed a spiced fruit that reminded me of something my father used to make and I reached out to grab one. A hand clamped down on my wrist and caused me to stumble.</p>
<p>"I know you weren't thinking of walking away without paying for that, bitch," the man growled, his hand twisting on my wrist. I winced.</p>
<p>"No, sir, I was just—" I tried to jerk my hand away, but the man was young and healthy, and his grip was strong. His heavy, black brows mashed together in anger.</p>
<p>"Liar. I've seen you before. Never seen you buy anything though. You know what happens to thieves?" Still holding my wrist, he reached under his counter with the other hand and brought out a knife. A couple people standing nearby turned their heads away while the ones who were at safe distances all turned to watch.</p>
<p>"Let me go," I said, trying to be calm. "I'm sorry." I'd obviously been stealing; there was no talking my way out of that.</p>
<p>"Sorry? Not yet. Watch the cart," he growled to a plump woman behind him, his wife, apparently.</p>
<p>I was struggling in earnest now, throwing my weight backward to try and wrench my arm out of his grasp, but it wouldn't budge. I frantically looked around at the small crowd gathering around us, but saw no sympathy. I craned my neck to look for soldiers, but there were none. My breaths were starting to come in panicked gasps. Before I could open my mouth to shout for help, any help, the hairy fist that was clenched around the knife slammed against my jaw. Lights splashed across my vision and my body went limp with shock and pain. I would have fallen if he hadn't hauled me back up by the wrist.</p>
<p>As I dangled from his hand, he leaned in close and whispered, "I hate thieves, more than anything. When you steal from me, you steal from my family. You literally take food away from my son's mouth. There's nothing more personal." A fist landed on my side, just below my ribs, then another in my stomach. I tried to inhale around the pain, but my lungs felt sealed shut. The fire licked its way down my arm, but I held it back with the last of my willpower. If I were caught firebending, I'd have worse problems than a beating.</p>
<p>The man shoved my arm away and I collapsed on the ground. A swift kick fell on my abdomen, followed by another. "Please," I choked out with my eyes squeezed shut. The voices around me were starting to grow faint and the man's face was morphing into Kenshin's. I was losing my grip on my firebending.</p>
<p>Before he could answer, I heard something I thought I'd never be happy to hear- soldiers. I glanced up to see the man being detained before my vision went completely black.</p>
<p>"Wake up," a gruff female voice said. A light tapping on my uninjured cheek welcomed me back to the world. I opened my eyes to see a pretty soldier above me. I looked past her and realized that I was still in the street where I'd fallen. "Can you get up?"</p>
<p>"I think so." She helped me to my feet and my head pounded like my brain was trying to escape. I stopped and held my head between my hands.</p>
<p>"You should see a healer," she said.</p>
<p>"Can't afford one. I'll be okay, thank you." Without another glance at her, I shuffled away. I'd been beaten before, and I was used to having to take care of my own injuries. When I'd taken a few steps, I turned back and asked, like an idiot, "Am I going to be arrested for stealing?"</p>
<p>She turned back and snorted. "I think you've been punished enough."</p>
<p>Too tired and in too much pain to find the same humor in my situation, I just continued on to my shack. Once inside, I collapsed on my bed and, even though I knew I probably shouldn't, I went to sleep.</p>
<p>"Rei? Rei, wake up." Zuko's hand fell on my shoulder. I cursed him for waking me up to the pain again.</p>
<p>With a poorly concealed moan, I said, "Why are you here?"</p>
<p>He sounded offended as he said, "You weren't in the clearing; I was worried." I sighed and braced myself to turn over. I could only manage to flip onto my back. My abdomen felt like it was falling apart and my head seemed to crack open with every blink. I couldn't see quite right out of my left eye and thought it must have been swollen.</p>
<p>Zuko hissed when he saw my face in the bright moonlight. I must have been asleep a long time. "Rei… Spirits, what happened?</p>
<p>"I got beaten up."</p>
<p>He rolled his eyes in exasperation and growled, "Obviously, but why? Who?"</p>
<p>I winced. "Don't talk so loud, please. It was a vendor. I guess you could make a case that I was stealing."</p>
<p>He threw his hands up and said, "Why would you steal?"</p>
<p>I glared at him the best I could through the pain and swelling. "I like the rush. I need to eat, Zuko. Didn't you wonder how I was staying fed?"</p>
<p>He clenched his jaw. "I guess I never thought of it."</p>
<p>I shook my head and immediately regretted it. I took a few deep breaths to calm the pain and said, "I should have known. You've never had to worry about where your next meal was coming from."</p>
<p>"Yes I have!" He almost shouted in his anger. I winced again as his voice set my head pounding.</p>
<p>"If you can't keep your voice down, then leave! I don't need this right now. You may not have noticed, but I'm in some pain."</p>
<p>He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry," he forced out. "I'm just surprised. Rei, why didn't you tell me you didn't have any money?"</p>
<p>"Because it's my problem."</p>
<p>"That's stupid. I want to take care of you…"</p>
<p>More out of habit than anything, I said, "Stop, Zuko. I don't want you to take care of me and I don't need you to—"</p>
<p>"Clearly," he said, gesturing to my curled up body.</p>
<p>"I don't want your money! I don't want money that comes from Earth Kingdom taxes and raids—"</p>
<p>He scooted closer and took one of my hands in his. I expected him to get angry and defensive about my digs at his family, so his calm voice took me by surprise. "I don't want to argue anymore," he said. "Tell me where it hurts and what I can do."</p>
<p>The rest of the night was spent with Zuko sneaking out to fetch cold water from the well to try to bring my swelling down. I didn't think I had any internal injuries, so it was just a matter of applying cold cloths and resting. He was quiet most of the time, following my orders with a detached focus. When he'd done everything he could, he stretched out beside me and took my hand in his. Both of us were shocked when my eyes filled with tears.</p>
<p>"What's wrong?" he said, looking over my injuries.</p>
<p>I shook my head slightly and whimpered, "Zuko, when that man was hurting me… I was thinking of Kenshin. It was as if I was back in my village and he…" I broke off into sobs.</p>
<p>Zuko eased his arm under my head and held me as close as he could while being mindful of my injuries. "Shh…" he soothed. I cried into his chest until I ran out of tears. I fell asleep on the wet pillow of his shirt.</p>
<p>A stream of sunlight across my face woke me. I had a split second before all the pain rushed back and I let out a shaky breath. Then, I realized that I was much too warm. He groaned as I stirred against him and I shot upright in shock, my body protesting at the sudden movement. I winced, but didn't take my eyes off him.</p>
<p>"Zuko," I whispered, taking a nervous glance at the door and windows. He just shuffled closer to me on the pallet, trying to hold onto sleep. "Zuko, wake up!" I kicked his foot.</p>
<p>"Go back to sleep, Rei," he murmured. I waited for him to realize. Suddenly, he gasped and bolted upright, looking terrified.</p>
<p>"Yeah," I said, "you may have overslept."</p>
<p>He cursed softly and gripped his hair. "What am I going to do?"</p>
<p>"I don't think we could sneak you out. Just walking around in a cloak in this heat will draw attention." I eased myself back to sit against the wall, cradling my stomach and trying my best to keep my face still so that my jaw wouldn't move.</p>
<p>"No, I can… I've had to move through a city before…"</p>
<p>"Really? One that knows your face and has guards crawling all over it? Do you really want to risk it?"</p>
<p>He turned to me, deep in thought. "It might be more dangerous to stay, though. Someone will notice I'm not there and they might come looking for me…"</p>
<p>"Maybe you should just tell them that you were with a girl, or even a prostitute. That way no one will ask questions and you won't…" I trailed off when I saw the look on his face. "But of course the fiancée wouldn't be happy about that," I said, my eyes focused on my lap.</p>
<p>He sighed. "I just don't want to hurt her when I don't have to. You can understand that?"</p>
<p>I nodded, but a stab of pain hit my chest. "So we're agreed that you can't leave until night?"</p>
<p>"I guess so. Damn it, this was so stupid!" His head fell back into his hands. I reached out, wincing, to run my hand across his back.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry about this. If I hadn't fallen asleep, you wouldn't have…"</p>
<p>"No, it's not your fault," he said, turning his body towards me. "How are you, by the way?"</p>
<p>"Better. Still sore, but better. First things first, though, we should probably cover the windows. Anyone could peak in." I made to get up, but he stopped me with a hand on my knee.</p>
<p>"No, I'll do it. Do you have curtains?"</p>
<p>"I have skirts. Hang those up."</p>
<p>I sat and watched him while he covered the windows and tied the edges of the door cloth to the frame, wondering at the strange direction of my thoughts. Seeing him move around my tiny shack, arranging my things and setting a pot of tea to boil with a quick flame from his fingertips, it felt almost… domestic. I wondered if, in another world, we could have just been a husband and wife, preparing for the day. I was so caught up in my thoughts that it took me a few moments to notice him watching me, a small smile on his face.</p>
<p>"What?" I asked.</p>
<p>"I haven't seen you in the daylight in months," he said. He set the teapot on the stone warmer I'd picked up in one of the little kiosks before my money ran out and crouched in front me. His fingertip traced the bridge of my nose and travelled across both cheeks. He smiled. "How have I never noticed these freckles?"</p>
<p>"They're only there when I spend a lot of time in the sun," I said, embarrassed. My eyes flicked up to his and I realized that I hadn't been under the full force of his eyes in months, either. I was caught in them and leaned in almost unconsciously. Our lips had just met when I remembered that I hadn't bathed or used the bathroom since I'd tried to steal the fruit. I pushed him back with a hand on his chest and said, "I have to make a quick trip to the bathhouse."</p>
<p>"I'll wait here," he said automatically. I snorted and he looked confused for a moment before laughing, too. "I mean, I'll see you soon."</p>
<p>The bathhouse was crowded, like it always was in the morning, so I got a few looks as I hobbled along in line, but no one asked me if I was all right. Some glances were sympathetic, but most rolled their eyes as if I deserved the beating I'd obviously gotten. Gossip travelled fast in the stacks, and they'd probably heard of the young woman who was stealing from one of her own. Like I belonged with them.</p>
<p>In the state I was in, and because of what happened yesterday, I didn't want to chance stealing any food. My stomach rumbled, but I just put a hand over it and walked to my shack. Zuko was waiting by the door and immediately took my hand and helped me sit back down. I wasn't injured nearly as badly as I'd been when Kenshin beat me, but it still hurt to move, and I was glad for the help. He secured the door again and sat in front of me. "Are you hungry?" he said.</p>
<p>I shook my head, but my stomach decided to growl at the same time. He smirked at me, but I looked away. "There's some dried meat in my pack."</p>
<p>He reached up and took my bag down from the hook it was hanging on and took the couple pieces of meat out. Then kept rummaging in the bag. "Is this it?" I nodded, still not meeting his eyes. "This is all the food you have."</p>
<p>"Why do you think I was stealing it?" I took a piece of meat and chewed forcefully, trying to shove down the stupid feeling of shame. Zuko didn't say anything, just put the other piece of meat in my lap. I glanced up at him, "I meant for you to eat some, too."</p>
<p>He shook his head. "I'm not hungry, really. You need to keep your strength up."</p>
<p>The day was one of the best I'd had since I was four years old. We sat and talked, he told me more about his family. I held his hand tight as he told me about his mother and why she had to leave, but he never talked about his father unless to say, "He's a monster," or, "He wasn't always like this." He asked me if I wanted to play Pai Sho, but I didn't have a board. Another hour was spent with him explaining the game that was his uncle's favorite. By the time the light started to leave the sky, I didn't have any doubts about my feelings for him anymore. I was starting to understand my mother's words about love. As soon as night fell, Zuko took down the makeshift curtains and untied the door. He crouched in front of me and ran his fingers down my face, looking at the bruise across my cheek. "Remember to keep putting the cold water on this," he said.</p>
<p>"Yes, healer," I smirked. He gave me a swift kiss on the lips and stood. "Wait," I said, "what are you going to tell them?"</p>
<p>He heaved a sigh and said, "I'm the prince. I don't have to tell them anything."</p>
<p>I swallowed and said slowly, "Thank you, Zuko. Really. If it weren't for you, I don't know what I'd be doing here."</p>
<p>"I don't know what it means, Rei, but whenever Azula says something terrible or I remember Uncle sitting in that cell, I just think 'I'll see her in a few hours.' You're in my head now… I'll try to come back tomorrow." Before I could say anything, he'd swept out into the stacks. Before any kind of fear or worry or anger could set in, a smile stretched across my face. I didn't even feel the pain of it.</p>
<p>I'd just managed to lie down on the pallet and close my eyes when the door fluttered again. The corner of my mouth lifted as his shadow fell across me. "Did I sleep through another day?" I joked, my eyes still closed.</p>
<p>"Well, you're livelier than Mai, I'll give you that," a coldly pleasant voice said above me.</p>
<p>For the second time that day, I shot upright and stared with wide, terrified eyes at the woman… girl, really… standing over me. She was wearing a standard officer's uniform, but no helmet. Her hair was done up in the customary ponytail I saw on all the posters, two pieces of black hair framing her face. The room was light enough for me to see that her expression was deceptively pleasant and open, but her eyes were dark and cold. Where Zuko's always seemed warm and alive, no matter what mood he was in, hers seemed almost frozen. They were still the same beautiful gold, but it was disturbing how different they seemed. Azula.</p>
<p>She cocked her head and looked me up and down. "Much more skittish, though."</p>
<p>"Your majesty…" I stammered.</p>
<p>"Royal highness, actually, but do we really need to worry about formalities? We're practically family after all. Almost sisters," her voice stayed the same but some tightening of her face or narrowing of her eyes made her words threatening. I stayed silent, waiting for her to get to the point. I wanted to stand, but I didn't want to reveal to her how injured I was. From what Zuko had told me, she was an excellent firebender. A duel between the two of us would be laughable. Finally, her face was back into those pleasant lines as she said, "How is Zuzu? You see him more than I do these days."</p>
<p>I decided to find out how much she knew. "I don't know what you mean," I tried to keep my voice steady, but I was scared. She had such a commanding presence, and something about her just seemed cruel. Standing over me in my little shack, she looked every bit the ruthless princess of the Fire Nation she was rumored to be.</p>
<p>"Oh don't be modest! He's here every night… did you think no one knew?" My heart seemed to stop and she took a step nearer. "I haven't told anyone, of course. In fact, he's made it very difficult for me to keep it secret. From Mai, especially, but she's not dumb. She knows something is going on. You know who Mai is, I assume?" I nodded. "Then you're not quite so dumb. Or my brother is, I haven't decided. Did he tell you that Mai is one of my closest friends?" I couldn't stop the shiver that went through me. I'd never met anyone like this; she was… sinister. "Since we were children. I care for her like… well, like a sister."</p>
<p>She stepped back and looked around my shack before picking up my clay pot. It still had some tea inside from when Zuko had made it. I waited for her to smash it, or throw it at me, but she didn't. She just placed it back down gently, adjusting it so that it was in the same position Zuko left it in. "You look like you need some rest, so I'll get to the point. This was fine for a while; Zuko has actually been less irritating since he's been seeing you. Only now, it's becoming a problem. His absence all day today was noticed, and people are starting to look at Mai. Judging from that touching display a few minutes ago, he won't give you up easily, though I have no idea why," she threw a disdainful look at me. "If word gets out about this affair, Mai will be ruined and Zuko will be reprimanded. Do you want that?"</p>
<p>I clenched my jaw, fear giving way to anger. "Of course not."</p>
<p>"Good. Because, you know, Zuko has a responsibility. To his family, and his nation. Understand?" she talked to me as if I were a child, which only made me angrier. I raised my eyes and glared at her, not bothering to hide my hatred. "Ah, so she does have a little fire in her," she smiled. "Good, I was beginning to think Zuko had lost his mind completely." She took two firm steps toward me and crouched, her nose inches from mine. I pressed against the wall, but couldn't escape her. "I'm going to make this simple for you," she said. "You have one week to leave the city. I don't care where you go so long as it's far away from my brother. You don't want to be here next Sunday, anyway. If you don't leave, I'll send you back to your village in chains." My mouth dropped open in shock.</p>
<p>My village…?</p>
<p>A wide smile stretched her mouth, but to me, it was the deadliest expression she'd worn yet. "Yes, a most interesting wanted persons report came in a few months ago. Apparently, a captain stationed in the Earth Kingdom sustained heavy injuries from an unregistered firebender living there." I started to shake in earnest. "She's wanted for treason and attempted murder, but hasn't been sighted in the Earth Kingdom for months…" She stood and the smile turned into a smirk. "Well, I really should be going. I wouldn't want the smell of this place to stick to my hair. Wonderful to have met you, Rei." With a pleasant nod of her head, she walked out of my shack, her shoulders straight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Twisting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I ducked as a lazy blade of fire sliced over my head and spun to kick a swooping flame back at Zuko. He dodged it easily, but I'd been sparring with him for months and I could almost predict his every move. My mind detached and I sent my next flame exactly where I knew he'd place his left foot. His gasp of pain snapped me out of my trance and I blinked, watching him collapse on the cold ground of the clearing, gripping his leg.</p><p>"I'm sorry!" I said, rushing to his side. He glared up at me.</p><p>"What do you think you're doing?" he growled. "We're not actually fighting, here."</p><p>"I know, I just… let me get you some water." I ran to the edge of the clearing and picked up his water skin. Back at his side, I poured the water over the small burn on his ankle. Luckily, his clothes had taken most of the damage and his fall to the earth had put out any flames that remained. He hissed when the water touched the red skin. I glanced up to see him watching me absently, like he was immersed in his thoughts, carefully considering me, and he didn't like his conclusions. I'd caught this look from him before while training, and my curiosity finally got the better of me.</p><p>"What is it?" I asked</p><p>"Nothing," he said, shaking his head slowly, obviously still lost in thought. I raised my eyebrows. He swallowed and said, "It's just that… while we were sparring, you… reminded me of someone."</p><p>"Who?"</p><p>He wiped a bit of sweat off his upper lip before saying, "Azula, actually. Every bender has their own style, and when you get in that zone, yours is really similar to hers." The disgust must have shown on my face because his eyes went wide and he said, "No, it's not a bad thing, really. Azula's one of the best firebenders in the world. She's good because she can learn her opponent, she just seems to know what his next move will be. You do that sometimes- it's impressive."</p><p>"It's just because I know you."</p><p>He shrugged. "Maybe."</p><p>"It's not blistering," I said. "It should be gone in a couple days." I'd had enough of this conversation. The last thing I wanted to hear was that I had anything in common with the princess.</p><p>"Still, I think you owe me," he said with a smirk. I forced a smile on my face and let him press his lips to mine. Desire flared up inside me, but it was almost drowned by the absolute misery I'd felt for the past five days. I felt the prick of tears behind my eyes and kissed him harder, willing myself to forget. After Azula left my hut that night, I'd been trying to figure out why she would give me a week. Why wouldn't she just make me leave right then? Now I understood. Being with Zuko, knowing that I had an entire week to think about how wonderful this was and how I would have to leave it… it was torture. Every minute not spent training was devoted to thinking about how I could possibly let him go. It made me hate Azula and it made me hate Kenshin even more. The only comfort I had was in knowing that this would all be over soon. I'd be home within the month, and I'd either kill him or he'd kill me. He'd interfered with my life for the last time.</p><p>The water skin dropped from my fingers and flooded the ground next to me, soaking into my skirt, but I didn't care. Zuko was softly brushing my hair back from my face, kissing me almost leisurely. That wasn't going to cut it. I rose to my knees and grabbed either side of his face, tilting his mouth to kiss him deeper. I felt him draw back a bit in surprise before his hand slid around me to press against the small of my back, urging me against him. I straddled his lap and reached down to draw my skirt up. I needed more.</p><p>His hand had just touched the bare skin of my leg when a tear escaped and fell from my cheek to his. His mouth left mine and my efforts went to waste when my eyes filled with those damn tears. His expression turned from confusion to concern and his hands reached up to brush the wetness from beneath my eyes.</p><p>"Rei, what is going on? You've been different since I stayed that night. Is it the vendor, are you scared he'll come back?" he asked.</p><p>I started to shake my head, but thought better of it. I couldn't tell him the truth, not yet. I didn't even really know why, but I needed to plan how I would tell him. It wouldn't be like this. I took a breath and dropped my eyes to say, "I think so. I'm just scared that he'll find me…" I still had one more day with him, after all.</p><p>Zuko put his arms around me and his hand pressed my head into his shoulder, comforting me. I closed my eyes and rested against him. "I've got you, you're safe."</p><p>I grimaced at his beautiful words. Yes, Azula knew exactly how to twist the knife. Still, Zuko was promising something he couldn't possibly deliver. I loved him for it, but I was also disappointed. Even if there was no Kenshin, no Azula, he still couldn't guarantee my safety. Not in the Fire Nation. He didn't even realize I was lying, though my words sounded so false to me. After everything he'd been through, everything he'd seen, he was still an idealist. It was what made him so loyal, and what made him so loving… It was also what made him weak.</p><p>My eyes snapped open at the thought. I hadn't had a thought like that in months, but I almost welcomed it. That firebender in me, who'd long ago combined with and consumed the healer, nodded in approval. It would be easier to focus on Zuko's faults. Maybe then it would be easier to remember exactly why I had to leave. How many times over the past few months had I thought about how stupid it was to fall in love with him? I always knew I would have to leave eventually, I just thought it would be on my terms. I clenched my jaw in anger at myself. Maybe some part of me was just as much of an idealist. I'd expected to stay until I had mastered my firebending, so that I could kill Kenshin with no problems. When had things ever gone so smoothly for me? Damn Kenshin, damn Azula. Damn me. I just had to hope I was ready enough.</p><p>Which reminded me. "Zuko?" I drew back to look in his eyes. "Can I ask you something?"</p><p>His face became just a little guarded. "Sure."</p><p>"Are you going easier on me in training?"</p><p>I could tell I'd surprised him and his eyes went wide. I knew the answer just from his reaction. I'd thought that he was slowing his moves, demanding less from me each time we trained. I clamored off his lap, letting anger wash through me. It hadn't been that big a deal to replace some training with… well, more relaxing activities when I'd thought I had more time. Now, my mind rushed over all the times I'd sacrificed a spar or a new technique in favor of seeing passion in those golden eyes. I pressed the palms of my hands to my closed eyelids. "Why did you do that?" I groaned, but mostly at myself.</p><p>He answered, "I… It didn't seem important anymore."</p><p>That made me snap my eyes to his face. "You think stopping Kenshin isn't important? You're the one who said I needed to confront him!"</p><p>"I know, but… Rei, that was months ago. So much has happened since then. Tell me honestly, do you still feel the same way?" He was waiting patiently, sure of my answer.</p><p>That's why it shocked him when I said, "Of course I do. I'm going to kill him." He clenched his jaw and looked away, obviously disappointed. "What?" I prodded.</p><p>"Nothing."</p><p>"It's not nothing, what is it?"</p><p>He finally took a deep breath and met my eyes again. "Maybe I just don't understand anymore. Why is it your job to punish him?"</p><p>I gaped at him for a few seconds before I exploded. All my anger and frustration at Kenshin, Azula and Zuko spilled out and I shouted, "Because no one else will! He deserves it, Zuko, he's a monster! You know what he's done. This whole damn nation does nothing but rape and kill and steal and no one ever does anything because it's too powerful. But now I can do something, and I will. That bastard will never hurt me again."</p><p>"But you just said it! You're concerned about him hurting you, and that's why what you want isn't justice, it's revenge."</p><p>"It doesn't matter what you call it, it ends the same. With him paying for what he's done." I glared at Zuko, telling him with my expression that he would never change my mind.</p><p>He sighed and let his jaw relax. "You're right, I guess." The fight went out of me at his resigned words. I was suddenly ashamed of myself, not for how I felt, but how I reacted. I only had two short nights with him, and I was wasting them arguing. He ran a hand over his face and said, "Maybe we should cut it short for tonight, cool down a little—" I leaned forward and cut his words off with a kiss before he could continue. I pulled him down with me as I lay back. As his mouth moved down my neck, I stared up at the unusually bright stars and wondered where the moon was. Then, his teeth grazed my breast and brought me back to him. I tossed aside any thoughts of training or Kenshin and tangled my fingers in his hair. My right hand brushed against the rough ridges of his scar and I wrapped my legs around him, holding him closer.</p><p>Our argument seemed to have evaporated and I tried my best not to give it any more thought, but everything was pressing down on me and it was almost overwhelming. I let him take his time, because I knew exactly how little we had left. Maybe some part of him knew that I was saying goodbye, because he kissed and caressed every inch of me, loving me with everything he had. I did the same for him, but I could tell he noticed my hesitation. Even as I held him, I was trying to shut my heart away, make sure that it was ready for the separation. When we finally came together, I was holding back tears again. He was still catching his breath as I pulled on my clothes. I didn't think I could say anything to him. It killed me, and I know it made me a coward, but I turned my back without a word.</p><p>"Wait," he called, still breathing hard. "You're going?"</p><p>I paused and nodded without turning around. "I'm tired."</p><p>"You want to train tomorrow, right?"</p><p>My face twisted, but I tried to keep my voice normal as I said, "Of course."</p><p>I tried to leave again, but I heard him jogging up behind me. I took a quick breath and rearranged my face into normal lines as he lightly grasped my arm to stop me. I braced myself and turned to look at his face, tensed into nervous lines. He'd put his pants back on and now he reached into the pocket and brought out a small, silver bracelet. My eyes went wide as he held it out to me. The links were delicate and diamonds dotted the entire length, except in the very middle, across from the clasp. Two small rubies glittered at me. "This was my mother's."</p><p>I took a step back, shaking my head. "Zuko, I can't accept that!"</p><p>Hurt flashed in his eyes, but I wouldn't let that sway me. Spirits, he was making this so hard. "I know you don't think you—"</p><p>"Zuko, please. I'm not… I'm not your fiancée, it isn't right."</p><p>He ignored my protests and grabbed my hand, pulling my fingers open to drop the bracelet in them. "I've told you before, you're… important to me. I swear I feel like I've been lost for so many years, my whole life. But these past couple weeks… I've had a lot to think about and I've made some decisions, but some I still have to make. Out of everyone in my life, even me, only you and Uncle ever seemed to know who I was, but I think I'm getting there." I listened entranced, my fingers lightly grasping the warm bracelet. "I just want you to know that… you're not alone."</p><p>I flinched a little, but I wasn't sure why. "Why are you doing this?" I whispered, but I wasn't completely conscious of what I was saying.</p><p>He closed my fingers around the bracelet. "I'll explain everything when I know it all." He dropped my hand and took a step back. I numbly turned away and headed toward the stacks, the bracelet gripped in my hand. Before I stepped on the path, he said, "Oh, and I might be late tomorrow night. I'm not sure, but I might have to go to a military meeting."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Committing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Damn it! Sorry, girl, we're going to have to turn back. The Gates of Azulon have been tripped," the captain said over his shoulder. I glanced up from my seat and peered out the window. My jaw dropped as I saw the huge netting flare up, stringing a wall of fire between two massive dragons and meeting in the middle of the bay at a gigantic statue of what could only be Fire Lord Azulon.</p><p>"What does that mean?" I asked.</p><p>"Could be anything. With the eclipse, I suppose they're being extra careful. Though, you'd think they'd let me know if there was a drill or something today," he grumbled. "We can't get through, it's a whole process when the gates go up. They have to assess threats and whatnot. Probably won't be down 'til tonight."</p><p>"But isn't it usually for enemy ships?" The captain didn't answer, preoccupied as he was with barking orders at his sailors and trying to get his small merchant ship turned around. I relaxed when I saw how unworried the captain was, but my fists clenched in frustrated anger. I was so close to getting out! I would have to stay on the ship until the gates were open again or risk Azula finding out that I was still in the city. It was still morning, so I had a long day ahead of me. I heaved a sigh and sat back against the cold metal of the wall. I grimaced and shoved my pack in the gap between the wall and the small of my back, trying to make the ninety-degree angle somewhat more comfortable. My head rested against the wall and my eyes slid shut, but I didn't have much hope of sleeping. I rubbed a hand across my bare wrist and sighed.</p><p>As we made our way back to the docks, my mind started to reflect on the day before…</p><p>""""</p><p>Immediately upon waking up, I winced at the sharp pain cutting into my cheek. I lifted my head off my arm and blinked the sleep out of my eyes. I glanced down to see the beautiful bracelet encircling my wrist; it glinted at me in the morning light and seemed to mock me. It looked so out of place on my wrist, patches of dirt smudged across my darker skin. If I had pale, beautiful skin like Zuko's, soft from the expensive palace soaps, maybe it wouldn't look so alien. As it was, it reminded me of a pearl hidden among seaweed. It just didn't belong. I felt like I was insulting such a beautiful piece of jewelry by putting it on my wrist. I pushed myself to my feet and undid the clasp, slipping the bracelet into my pocket. I understood why Zuko gave it to me, but it didn't mean I thought he should have. Still, it gave me some comfort to know that I would have a piece of him where I was going.</p><p>It was still early when I finally made it to the docks. No one bothered me, no one looked at me, and as I glanced around the stacks and the bustling of the capital, I knew I wouldn't miss it. I'd lived there for months and never felt a part of it. I thought about the Earth Kingdom, my village, but that didn't really feel like home, either. I thought about my old hut and my mother and felt a stir of that warm feeling. I thought about Tomi and our talks in his little room on the ship and felt it again. Then I thought about Zuko and how he'd taken care of me in my shack, and the feeling stayed with me until I was surrounded by the smell of salt water and coal-fire. If things went bad when I met Kenshin, at least I knew that I'd had a bit of home, however short. My scar seemed to twinge as I thought about Kenshin, and I rubbed a hand across my chest and felt the rough ridges under my shirt. Hopefully, it wouldn't be long until I could think about Kenshin with satisfaction rather than helpless anger.</p><p>I went from ship to ship, asking whoever would listen about hitching a ride and was turned down again and again by soldiers, merchants, and sailors. It seemed that most civilians were worried about getting in to the capital, not out. Even though the war was essentially over, the Earth Kingdom was still considered unstable, so only those with important business or military permission were allowed out. Finally, a portly, middle-aged man with an impressive beard caught my elbow as I walked past him. I'd just about given up when he spotted me from his perch on a crate.</p><p>"I hear you're looking for a ride, girl?" he asked. He had a pleasant voice and smiled at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners.</p><p>Still, I was cautious as I said, "That's right. Do you know anyone who can help?"</p><p>"Well, I do have a ship. That's pretty helpful. Leaving tomorrow to bring some crop to the army at Gapian. Could be that you can find a spot with the crew."</p><p>"So you want me to work on board?"</p><p>He chuckled and ran his eyes down my body. "Something tells me you won't be much use on deck, but I don't think I have any room for a lump of dead weight. Unless you can make it worth my while." He raised an eyebrow and peered at me.</p><p>"I don't have any money." My stomach started to roil at the thought that I might not get out of the city by the princess's deadline. I didn't know what Azula was capable of, but I knew what Kenshin was. I didn't want to take any chances.</p><p>The man took a piece of dried meat from his pocket and took a bite, dismissing me with a wave of his hand. "Then keep walking."</p><p>I fisted a bit of my skirt in my hand before I said, "There must be some way…"</p><p>"Can't think of any."</p><p>I took a deep breath and forced my jaw to relax. I tried my best to paste a sultry smile on my face and sauntered even closer to the man so that my breasts brushed his shoulder. I had to get out of the city, I might not get another chance. He stopped eating and looked up at me with his eyebrows almost touching his hairline.</p><p>"I can," I murmured.</p><p>I saw him gulp and his eyes flicked down my body again, but he seemed to shake himself and took another bite, ripping off a piece of meat. "Happily married, missy."</p><p>Great, I was dealing with the most honorable sailor in the Fire Nation. Still, his remark hit me with a sharp jab. The opinion of a merchant didn't really matter in my grand scheme, but it still stung to realize how far I'd fallen. How far I still had to go. I stepped back with a huff. "How much do you need?"</p><p>"Couldn't do it for less than ten silvers."</p><p>"Ten?!" I shrieked. A few sailors glanced over at me and the captain was laughing again.</p><p>"You don't seem to understand the risk of transporting unauthorized persons outta the country. Ten silvers or no deal."</p><p>Damn it. I dropped my eyes to the dock and thought furiously. Short of robbing a shop, there was no way I could get the money in time. Even if I lowered myself enough to sell my body to the soldiers, I wouldn't get enough. My mind flicked to the Noble Quarter, but the houses there were so secure that you couldn't even cross the gates without proof of residence or relation. Ten silvers. Ten. Not even when I'd been running my healing business had I gotten that much money in three months. I raised my eyes to the man, who was happily eating his food and I felt almost overwhelmed. I had to leave by tomorrow or I'd be sent back to Kenshin. Only I couldn't leave. I could try to sneak onto a ship, or rob a shop, but to be caught doing either would certainly mean capture or death. "I don't have ten silvers. Please, I need to get out of the city."</p><p>He popped the last bite into his mouth and rose to his feet, brushing his hands clean. "Like I said, I'm not leaving 'til tomorrow. You get the money by then, you got a ride."</p><p>I didn't have a choice. </p><p>""""</p><p>"You don't have to stay on the ship the whole day, but if you're not here by the time we get her rolling again, we leave without you," the captain said, his hand on the metal of the doorframe.</p><p>"I understand. I think I will stay, though. Can't let my money go to waste."</p><p>The man threw back his head and laughed. "Now that's some good sense! But just so you know, the food is carefully inventoried. I'll know if you take something, and I'll have to report you."</p><p>I lifted the corner of my mouth when I saw the glint of humor in his eye. If things were different, I could be very fond of the captain. "I'll keep that in mind."</p><p>As the crew found their way onto the deck and back into the city in search of food, drink, and women to pass the time, I sighed and settled further into the bench, lifting my feet up to rest along the empty length. I stared at the strip of sunlight that fell across my hardy traveling shoes and waited for it to move. I just wanted to be gone. Away from this city, away from Azula, and away from Zuko. It was strange, now that I'd recommitted myself to getting back to Kenshin, Zuko already felt like another lifetime ago.</p><p>""""</p><p>My heart was heavy with resignation and misery when the sun finally sank behind the mountains. It was Saturday and I was leaving tomorrow. As I wandered up and down the stacks, I tried to think of how I could say goodbye to Zuko. What could I say that he would understand? He seemed so different than he'd been even a month ago. When I first told him about Kenshin, he seemed to understand completely. He'd trained me intensely and taught me every attack he knew. Then… I don't know. He just seemed to stop. He kissed more than he attacked, hesitated rather than taught. It was so glaringly obvious now that he had been losing his nerve all that time. Of course, love struck idiot that I was, I didn't see it for a long time. I just hoped that whatever anger he had inside him, because I was sure he still had it, would be enough for him to be able to let me go. After all, what would there be for me here? I didn't want an apartment paid by the royal accountants for the rest of my life while Zuko visited whenever he could get away from his wife and his duties as Fire Lord. And that was the best-case scenario. Even if it hadn't been for Azula, leaving was the best thing I could do at that point. We were both in too deep and I knew it. Any longer and… well, Kenshin might have gotten away with it all.</p><p>Even though I knew it was early, I went to the clearing. Zuko wouldn't be there for hours, but I needed to drill. I never would have thought back when I was living in the Earth Kingdom that I would someday find solace and serenity in firebending. I certainly had fallen a long way, but once Kenshin was dead, I wouldn't have to firebend anymore. I wouldn't need to soothe any anger. My eyes closed and I breathed in the salty air until my lungs complained, letting it out slowly until I could feel my breath get hotter as I reached for the fire. My eyes opened and I saw the steam billow from my mouth before I lifted my hand and let the handful of flames hover there. I smiled at it before my face twisted and I reached for the anger instead, letting it fuel the heat inside me. The flames in my hand burst upward in a roar, and I shifted my body to throw it out in front of me. Spirits, it felt good to see what I could do.</p><p>I'd been training so hard that I didn't really realize how much time had passed until I noticed that the moon was touching the tops of the mountains already. My arms dropped and the clearing was bathed in black as my flames died. Where was he? My heart started to race as I squinted at the path that led to the clearing, searching for his silhouette. It was only a couple hours until dawn, and I had to get back to my shack; I wanted to get at least a few hours' rest before I left. I had to force myself not to flinch as I thought about the ship.</p><p>This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! I couldn't leave it like it was last night; he said he'd come. Might be late, he said, but he'd be there. Only it was time to go, and he wasn't there. I sat in the cold dirt for another half hour or so, but I knew it was useless. If he hadn't shown by then, he wasn't coming. I dashed away a quick tear and got to my feet. Maybe it was better this way, I wouldn't have to say goodbye. I wouldn't have to explain myself or try to make him let me go. It was better, really. I just wish I could have seen him one more time. I called up that image of Kenshin leaning over me to harden my heart again as I walked through the stacks. That was all that mattered. Zuko would be far better off without me in the Fire Nation; he had his family, horrible as they were, and his fiancé. And no matter what doubts he had, he loved his nation. That's something we would never be able to reconcile. A clean break was better for him. Still, when I finally curled up on my pallet, I clutched the bracelet he'd given me close to my chest and tried to imagine that he was with me.</p><p>I was in that floating place between sleep and wakefulness when I heard the cloth over my door rustling. In the dim light, all I could see was a shadow moving through the room. Still only half-awake, my mind jumped straight to Azula and I sat up with a ball of flame in my hand, ready to attack. In the sudden light, I could see that it was Zuko. My heart calmed and I let the fire go out.</p><p>"Zuko, what are you doing?" He moved to my side and crouched in front of me, but I couldn't see his face. I let the flame return to my hand again, but kept it to a dim glow, just enough to see his face. My breathing sped when I saw the look in his eyes. He looked like he was about to be sick. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" I said, my troubles forgotten.</p><p>He didn't say anything, just stared straight ahead as if I wasn't even there. The fire reflected in his golden eyes, but even that couldn't erase the dullness in them. I put my free hand against his face and tried to turn his head to look at me. He turned, but his eyes didn't sharpen.</p><p>I was starting to panic, and I quickly ran my eyes over him to see if he was injured. I couldn't see anything obviously wrong, so I rubbed my hand across his cheek and said, "Zuko, you're scaring me. Are you alright?"</p><p>"It's worse than I ever knew," he murmured, his voice lifeless.</p><p>"What is?"</p><p>His tongue flicked out to wet his lips and his brows drew together, and I was glad to see he could move, but his eyes were still scaring me. I almost wanted to let the fire go out so I wouldn't have to see them. He was staring straight through me. "But… I mean it'll only be the ones who don't follow. They can't mean everybody. It'll end the…" He trailed off and I could tell he wasn't really talking to me.</p><p>"Zuko, what are you talking about?" I traced my thumb under his eye, but he didn't react, just kept staring forward.</p><p>"It can't be… It can't be right…"</p><p>"What can't be? Zuko, please look at me!" My voice was shaking and I moved to sit directly in front of him so that I filled his vision.</p><p>He blinked a couple times and his jaw shut with a snap. His eyes focused and he raised his hand to press against mine where it rested on his face. I almost cried with relief. "Rei."</p><p>I leaned in and pressed a hard kiss against his lips. "Spirits, Zuko, I thought you were going crazy. What's going on?"</p><p>His eyes were focused, but his expression still looked confused and a little vacant, as if his brain were trying to solve an impossible equation. "I don't… I don't know if I can say anything. It's…" A shudder tore through him, and I finally let the flame go out so I could wrap my arms around him. He was trembling, and I held him tighter. After a few seconds, his arms went around my waist, and he held me so tightly that I could barely breathe.</p><p>"Is it Azula?" I asked through my teeth. I knew then that if she hurt him, I'd kill her.</p><p>His face ducked into my neck and I felt his mouth move against my skin as he said, "She's… Spirits, Rei, she's evil. I always knew she was ruthless, cruel, but… she really is evil. And my father… I don't know what to do." His voice cut off and he pressed his face even more firmly into my neck. I stroked his hair and held him, but I was bursting with the need to know more. What had they done now?</p><p>"Let me help you," I said. His arms loosened and I let him draw back so he could look at me. In the dim light, I could see that his brows were drawn down again, but in determination this time. He was more himself, but a deep frown was still etched on his face.</p><p>"You have. I think I need to do the rest on my own. It's funny, I never really prayed before. But I'm praying now, have been for weeks."</p><p>"For what?"</p><p>"To be able to choose what to do. I think this is it…" I was about to ask what he meant when he stood and made to walk away, his face lit with fervor.</p><p>He was leaving. "Wait!" I almost shouted, scrambling to my feet. He turned, confused. My voice seemed to abandon me and I didn't know what to do. This was it, I was leaving today, and I didn't know what to say to him. So I didn't say anything. I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder, breathing him in and clamping down hard on my tears. He held me, but I could tell he was confused. My words found me and came out muffled against his shoulder, "Thank you."</p><p>"Rei, what—?" I kissed him before he could ask. I couldn't say goodbye, so I wouldn't. It was weak and selfish, but I couldn't do it. When dawn started to peek into the room, we finally broke apart.</p><p>He held my face in his hands and pressed one more kiss to my lips before he said, "I'm sorry if I scared you… but don't worry. I just need some time; I'll be back."</p><p>My jaw clenched, but I forced a smile. "See you then."</p><p>He didn't smile, just nodded and turned to leave, pulling his hood over his head. He walked out the door and took a piece of me with him. Back on my pallet, I stayed propped against the wall and fingered the bracelet lying on my pillow. I spent the rest of the time I had there shutting away every bit of love for him I could find in me. Eventually, the only thing I had left of him was the piece of jewelry in my hands. So, I gathered my things, walked to the docks, and gave the beautiful bracelet to the captain.</p><p>""""</p><p>It was barely noon, and I'd been dozing against the metal wall when the sounds of war startled me awake. At first, my mind tried to tell me that it was fireworks, but the sound of fireworks wouldn't be followed by the sounds of buildings crumbling. They were Fire Nation explosions, and I scrambled off my bench to run to the window. What I saw was every soldier wearing Fire Nation uniforms running toward the city, running toward the enemy ships anchored at the docks, while civilians scattered like ants away from them. Then I saw Earth Kingdom colors.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. War</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The layout of the city in this story is slightly different from canon, so there are a couple minor differences in this battle. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I narrowed my eyes, trying to see through the dimming light. The sun was almost completely blocked, but flashes of yellow flame shone over the mountains, coming from the capital and raging toward the Noble Quarter.</p><p>I had to run through the stacks to get to the city. Smoke and dust was pouring between the buildings, but I knew the paths so well that it really didn't matter. I hit body after body of the terrified people running from the war, but I kept going. I had to see it, help if I could. I should have been running the other way, folding into the crowd of civilians, but I wasn't afraid. If the Earth Kingdom was fighting the Fire Nation, I had to see it. I'd just gotten to the edge of the stacks when I discovered that it wasn't just the threat of war that had the people running. There were soldiers evacuating the city, driving civilians out toward the coast and forcing, not only refugees, but citizens and nobles through the stacks. I tried to push past them, but the crowd was so thick that I could barely tell where I was. The noise was deafening, screams and desperate shouting for family members cascaded between the sounds of rock crumbling and things exploding. Along with the smoke, it was so disorienting that, had the soldiers not been driving the crowd against me, I wouldn't have been able to tell which way the city lay. I could hear cries of pain and fear and I saw flashes of robes through legs and under shoes and I knew some people were being trampled, but I buried my concern.</p><p>I pushed as hard as I could, but the closer I got to the city, the thicker and more frenzied the crowd became. After a particularly violent shove from a fat man in a robe, I gave a frustrated scream and allowed myself to fold into the crowd. I melted with them back into the dust-filled stacks, always craning my neck backward to try to catch a glimpse of the fighting. The sounds of war were still showering over the capital. I slapped my hand against the side of a shack as I passed, trying to release some feeling of uselessness. The Earth Kingdom was fighting back, and I was going to miss it. Because of the damn Fire Nation citizens and their damn evacuation. Then it hit me. I gasped and choked on the dust in the air before my feet turned sharply left, taking me in the direction of the barely visible cliffs. I may not be able to fight, but I could still see it. I just had to get higher, up above the dust.</p><p>The path was clear of civilians as they were trying to get down to the coast, not up into the mountains. My feet traced the familiar path, but my mind didn't even twitch toward Zuko. All I was thinking about was the height and the almost panoramic view from one of the ledges above the clearing. As I burst into the clearing, I didn't even take the time to look around before I was climbing the cliff face that separated the clearing from the stacks and the city beyond. Finally, my hands caught the ledge's lip and I hauled myself up, noting how easy it was after training with Zuko to pull my body weight on top of the narrow ledge. I crouched on the edge of the natural wall and let a slow smile stretch my face. I couldn't see much from there, and at first all I saw was red dots with fire coming out of them, but eventually the soldiers took shape and I didn't just see fire. I saw water, I saw boulders. It wasn't just Earthbenders, it was the Water Tribe and they were working together. The Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe were outnumbered, but my smile didn't waver. I glanced up at the sun and then back to the battle. In a few minutes, the firebenders would be defenseless, and those few minutes were all our soldiers would need.</p><p>The citizens still poured out of the capitol, bottlenecking as they entered the stacks and I was struck with how many people actually made this spit of Fire Nation land their home. Then, a grey streak over the docks caught my eye. I stood and my mouth fell open as I stared, uncomprehending. A huge flying creature, water streaming from it's back, was flying over the port, the waterbender riding it was attacking the battlements set up along the banks. I'd heard rumors, but I thought they were just stories from bored travelers. But what I was looking at was beyond rumors, it was real and there was only one thing it could be. A flying bison, a species that went extinct a hundred years ago, if they existed at all. Which they apparently did. They belonged to the airbenders, and I squinted hard at it, trying to catch a glimpse of the avatar.</p><p>After a while, the bison was lost to my sight as the battle progressed toward the Noble Quarter. Finally, amid the blasts and booms, a red darkness took over the island. I huffed a sigh and craned my neck, trying desperately to see through the dark and the dust, but it was useless. I glanced up at the sun and found it completely covered, hidden behind the moon. As I turned my eyes back to the city, I shivered. When did it get so cold? I thought it must have been the lack of sunlight, but then I realized. Zuko told me that firebenders are connected to the sun, we get our power from it. I opened my palm and tried to coax my fire out, but nothing happened. I shivered again, but not from cold. I felt… empty. Like I'd lost a limb. I peered through the dark and didn't see any blasts of fire though I could still hear the clangs of steel against steel and rock. How I wished right then that I was standing next to Kenshin, knife in hand. It would have been so easy. Defenseless, they were all defenseless! The Earth Kingdom chose their day of attack well. I just hoped the Fire Nation was as unprepared as they seemed. The hope swelled in me. This could be the end of it all.</p><p>It was a few minutes before the sun started to peek out from behind the moon. I knew right when the fire returned to my body, it was like taking a deep breath after being under water. It felt like life. I crouched again and trained my eyes toward the Noble Quarter, and what I saw knocked the breath out of me again. The groups of soldiers clad in green and blue were surrounded by red. They'd lost, they were captured. I turned my back and sat on the ledge, my legs dangling over the side. I let my head fall into my hands and felt all the loss of the Earth Kingdom again. I'd been stupid to hope again. Ten minutes of darkness wasn't enough to defeat the Fire Nation and I should have known it.</p><p>"Rei!"</p><p>I jumped so hard that I almost fell from my perch on the ledge. Zuko was standing in the middle of the clearing and his red and gold hood fell back as he stared up at me. I blinked a couple times to clear my jumbled thoughts. Another stupid move, coming to our place again. Still, he never came here during the day, I thought I'd be safe. I took a deep breath and climbed down the cliff. As soon as I was on the ground, his arms circled around my waist and he buried his face in my neck. I kept my hands at my sides.</p><p>"Zuko? What's going on?"</p><p>He pulled back and I finally got a good look at his face. His eyes were wide and though he wasn't smiling, he looked exhilarated. "I finally get it, Rei, I understand what I'm supposed to do."</p><p>My brows drew together for a moment before I waved my hand to dismiss what he'd said. "No, I mean the war! The soldiers, the Earth Kingdom, what happened?"</p><p>"The avatar was here. He tried to kill my father, but they were ready for him."</p><p>My stomach dropped. "Is he—"</p><p>"He's fine, he got away. He never even saw the Fire Lord, but I did." He stepped back and took my hands in his. "Rei, I'm going to—"</p><p>"Wait. You said you all knew the Earth Kingdom was attacking today?"</p><p>"Yes, it's an eclipse. No one knew anything for sure, but the Fire Lord knew it was a possibility. They knew our bending would be gone."</p><p>I took my hands out of his. "Zuko, a lot of people got hurt. Your people. The stacks were insane and I didn't even see the city."</p><p>Suddenly, his eyes went wide with anger and he grabbed my shoulders. "You were in the stacks?"</p><p>I shook him off. "Yeah, I live there!"</p><p>"But you always practice at this time! I thought you'd be here."</p><p>"I was at the—" I almost said docks, but I still couldn't. "I was tired. It doesn't matter, you should have told me. You should have told everyone!"</p><p>"I couldn't, nobody was to know. They were trying to crush the last resistance, so it had to look like the city was unaware that anything was going on. I'm sorry, I know it wasn't right, but I thought you were safe and I didn't know what else to do. But none of it really matters because I told him, Rei. I told my father everything." That exhilarated look returned to his face.</p><p>"What? What do you mean?"</p><p>He grabbed my hand again and pulled me toward the cliff that faced the ocean. "Look," he said when we reached the edge. I followed his eyes down to the beach below and saw only a huge expanse of bright red. "It's a balloon. We're leaving."</p><p>My eyes widened and I looked back at him to find him watching me with that rare smile on his face, the one that usually made my knees weak. Today, it made me sick. "Leaving?"</p><p>He nodded. "I told you, I understand everything now. Rei, you were right all along, my family, my army, they're monsters. I'm ashamed to have ever been a part of either of them, but I can fix things. It's like Uncle said, I can redeem my family, my nation. I told my father that I was leaving. That I was going to join the avatar."</p><p>I think I was in shock because I mumbled, "He must have loved that."</p><p>Zuko gave a hard laugh. "Well, he tried to kill me… but that wasn't the first time. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Rei, didn't you hear me? I'm joining the avatar, I'm going to teach him firebending, and you're going to help me. I'm going to set everything right. We are."</p><p>My eyes filled with tears. "I'm happy, Zuko. You're doing the right thing."</p><p>He smiled and caught my lips in a hard kiss. "We should leave right away, I don't want to miss the avatar, he's probably already in the air."</p><p>He tried to pull me toward the ledge, but I resisted. He looked back in confusion. "Zuko… I can't go with you."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I can't… I have to find Kenshin. You know that."</p><p>He shook his head. "What are you… This is so much more important than one captain! I'm asking you to come with me, to help the avatar defeat the Fire Lord!"</p><p>"I know what you're asking, but you should know that I have to say no."</p><p>"Rei, come on. It doesn't matter! Kenshin doesn't matter compared to the entire army!"</p><p>I took a step back. "No."</p><p>He sighed and stared at the ground for a moment before he raised his eyes. "Rei," he said, his voice soft, "I know what it's like to be consumed by something you think you need to do. Trust me, it isn't worth it. This… this," he waved his hands, searching for the word, "hatred, it isn't doing anything but hurting you."</p><p>"So long as it hurts Kenshin, I don't care. Zuko, I can't go with you." I glanced over my shoulder over the ocean and saw the glowing Gates of Azulon. The captain would be leaving soon, any chance of a ride to the Earth Kingdom going with him. "I didn't want to tell you until… but I'm leaving. I have a ride lined up and I have to leave." His mouth was hanging open as he stared at me. "Zuko, I really do hope you can train the avatar, that you help him win this war. I just can't be there with you."</p><p>Finally, he recovered. "Rei… You can't do this. Killing someone… it changes you. I can't let you do it, I love you too much."</p><p>I recoiled as if he'd hit me. No one since my mother had ever said that to me and coming from Zuko in that moment…it struck me like a sword. That's when I knew that he wouldn't let me go. I really was glad for his revelations, and I was proud of him. But he didn't understand anymore. I hated Kenshin more than I loved Zuko. I hardened my face and glared up at him. "What do you think this is? What the hell do you think I'm doing on this rock? I was here to learn firebending, and thank you for teaching me, but it's done. I wish you luck, and I hope you can do the same for me, but I can't love you."</p><p>His jaw clenched and he glared right back. "You don't mean that."</p><p>I rolled my eyes. "None of this was about you. It was always about Kenshin." I turned my back, my jaw shut tight.</p><p>He caught my arm and spun me toward him. "No. I don't believe you, Rei, because I didn't make up all those times I felt you loving me."</p><p>I snorted. "Please, don't. You really love me, Zuko? Then why was it always me who waited, me who had to think about you sleeping in your fiancée's arms. Where is she now, huh? Hiding in the hull of that balloon? What, are we going to have to share a powder room?"</p><p>"I can't be with Mai. She's too loyal to leave and besides, I don't have any right to ask her to. You're right, I was selfish and cruel to both of you, but I've made my choice. You're it, Rei. If my father died tomorrow and I was crowned Fire Lord, I'd choose you."</p><p>I felt a fine tremor working its way up my spine. He wasn't going to make this easy. "Listen to me, Zuko. I don't want you. If Kenshin didn't exist, I wouldn't want you after everything you've done. You were convenient, useful, and that's it. Aren't you wondering where your mother's bracelet is?" I felt sick. "I hawked it for passage to the Earth Kingdom." His eyes flicked down to my wrists and his face twisted, the scar pulling at his cheek. "Let me go."</p><p>I turned my back and walked away, and he didn't stop me. I expected tears, but none came to my eyes. I walked calmly toward the docks, and I didn't look back. The end was finally in sight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Demons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There are depictions of torture in this chapter, but I've separated the worst of it with this mark: """". You can skip over that if it makes you uncomfortable. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It didn't take nearly as long to reach my village as it had to get to the Fire Nation. It was the same route, but circumstances were very different. Then again, maybe it was the same amount of time. My first journey was filled with fear and I'd jumped at every shadow, fearing Fire Nation patrols or Kenshin. Now, I had my papers and my bending… and I was hoping to see Kenshin. There was something very close to serenity inside me as I walked along paths that started to turn familiar. I didn't think about Zuko nearly as much as I feared I would. As I dragged my hand down a passing branch and caught the leaves in my grip, I let my thoughts drift over him. I didn't feel any guilt, I had done only what I had to. Well, I suppose I did regret letting the relationship go on for as long as it had. I hadn't meant for there to be love.</p><p>Still, none of it mattered now. I was maybe a day's journey from the village and Kenshin. My body had started to hum with anticipation when the boat struck Earth Kingdom land and now it was almost crackling with it. I felt like the fire inside me was about to explode, taking everything around me with it. The wind rustled through the trees and the fire was inflamed with it. I kicked the heel of my boot through the dirt of the path and a flame licked out under it, scorching the pebbles. I smiled and kicked my other heel, burning my progress down the empty road.</p><p>It was vital that I wasn't recognized, so as I neared my village, I brought my hood up to cover my face and tightened the string around my neck, checking to make sure that my scar was completely covered. Enough time had passed that I was sure Kenshin wouldn't be wary of my coming back, but I couldn't take any chances. Once familiar huts started to take form, I stepped off the main road into town. I knew these woods so well that I could easily walk them in the dark, so that's exactly what I planned to do. I glanced up at the sun and saw that it was only an hour or so from nightfall. I knew exactly where the soldiers would be. Once I reached the village's edge, I slowly circled around until I spotted red uniforms lurking outside the tavern. Even after all these months, Kenshin was so predictable. His chores done for the day, he and his thugs would be getting drunk in the town's only bar. I settled back to wait them out. It would be hours before they emerged, but I wasn't impatient. Tonight, it would all be over. I went over the plan I'd concocted over my weeks of travel and felt my fire flare inside me. I let it grow, but held it beneath my skin. Steam rose from my arm in the cool, night air.</p><p>An hour or two after midnight, soldiers began to stumble from the tavern. The fire flared as I glimpsed Kenshin's form in the darkness, thicker than his companions'. He had his arm around a girl who seemed to be supporting most of his weight. I smiled as I realized how drunk he must be. Good, it would make this all so much easier. His voice drifted over to my spot in the bushes.</p><p>"How would you like to spend the night with a future major in the Fire Nation army, sweetheart! Hell, I am a major. Fucking born one." His soldiers cheered and laughed, slapping his back. I heard shouts of "Two weeks, and the Nation'll have the best damn major anyone's seen!" and "Couldn't have happened to a better man!" I almost gagged. As they made their way toward the soldier's houses, I rocked onto the balls of my feet and followed them silently through the woods. Kenshin and the girl left the soldiers and went into the captain's hut. It was only a few minutes before I heard exactly how the captain planned to celebrate. I took a breath, removed my cloak and cut off most of my skirt's length before I quickly stepped to his front door. I tipped my hood so that my eyes just peeked out from under it. I knocked and the disgusting noises within stopped. Kenshin's deceptively handsome face and body filled the doorway. I glanced behind him and saw the girl, half undressed, peering around him. Spirits, she couldn't be more than fifteen and an Earth Kingdom girl. I fought back a grimace.</p><p>"Help you?" Kenshin grunted, his face twisted in a drunken sneer.</p><p>I let my eyes slide to his and lowered my voice to a sensual purr. "Saw you in the bar. How'd you like to spend the night with a woman who knows how to congratulate a major?" My heart was pounding with fear of discovery, but shadow and drunkenness were on my side and Kenshin just grinned.</p><p>"Already got entertainment, wench."</p><p>"Not like me," I challenged. I snapped my fingers and brought a ball of flame before his eyes, turning my head enough so that I looked at him sideways and the fire threw my features into a shadowy jumble. "How about a little taste of home?" His eyes began to heat and I knew I had him. "Come with me, let's not burn the place down." I turned and walked into the woods and I heard him follow, the girl protesting behind him. I couldn't contain my smile of anticipation, though it might have been less a smile and more a bearing of teeth. The earth crunched beneath my feet as I led Kenshin home, his idiotic steps reeking of excitement behind me. The man was so arrogant. I was determined that that arrogance would kill him.</p><p>"""'</p><p>Dawn was starting to peek through the trees and I could finally see the extent of the damage I'd inflicted on Kenshin. He was broken and it made me feel whole. My hand was around his neck, the fire licking his skin. He wasn't even screaming, he didn't have the strength anymore. His pain escaped in little whimpers and it brought a smile to my face. His breath whistled from what had to be a broken rib. I knew what that felt like. It was almost disappointing how easy it had been to break him. He followed me to the site of my home without question, like a puppy. It was only when he glanced around to see me standing in the ruins of my old hut that he started to understand, and that's when I attacked. He'd barely fought back.</p><p>"You can't imagine how weak you look right now," I chuckled.</p><p>"P-please… please," he choked out. His eyes squeezed shut and a couple tears leaked from the corners. It was just too sweet.</p><p>"Just days from promotion, too. If the Fire Lord could see you now…" I balled my free hand into a fist and slammed it into his face. His nose broke beneath my knuckles and blood began to pour into his open mouth, choking him further. His eyes closed and his body slumped. I loosened my hand around his neck and he gasped. "Not yet, soldier." Without me supporting him, Kenshin fell forward and I had to jump back to avoid his blood-soaked body falling onto my feet. He lay in the dirt, gasping for breath but otherwise still. I sighed and crouched at his side. "It'll be over soon." I bunched fistfuls of his uniform into my hands and yanked him up and over so that he lay on his back.</p><p>It seemed he had enough energy in him for a scream, because a sharp keening gurgled out of him when he landed back on the dirt, the sunlight glistening off the blood on his face. Then his eyes fluttered closed and I was quick to grab my water skin. "Kenshin! No sleeping yet. I promise, you'll have plenty of sleep later." I splashed the water in his face and he jerked away. "It'll be over soon," I said again, almost gently.</p><p>Kenshin took a rattling breath and latched his eyes to mine. "Rei… why are you… I don't deserve this."</p><p>My eyes hardened. "Of course you do. You damn soldiers think you can take anything you want, any way you want. You don't know what you did that night. You might as well have killed me."</p><p>"I wish… I had."</p><p>"Not yet, you don't." I placed a finger against his heaving chest and let a flame burst out of the tip. His shirt caught fire, but I was careful to keep it away from his skin as I drew a line from his neck all the way down to his belt. His chest bare, I let my eyes wander up to his face, like a lover. His eyes were full of fear and my smile returned. "What do you think I'll do, soldier?" I murmured. He didn't answer, just stared at me. I held his gaze and moved to straddle his waist, letting my full weight rest on his belly and my knees grip his injured rib cage. The fear in his eyes twitched with pain. "Don't be shy, you know what comes next." I pulled down the neckline of my shirt enough to show him my scar. I paused long enough to see his eyes widen and I slammed my flaming finger down to his chest. His scream split the silence of the forest and I was surprised he had it in him.</p><p>""""</p><p>"Not my best work, but it'll do," I told him. I rose from his waist and stood over him, staring down at the Earth Kingdom symbol carved into his chest. He'd tried to pass out a couple times during the carving, but my water skin was close and the human spirit is stronger than you would think. All in all, he was with me almost the whole time. His breathing was so weak that I had to put my fingers in front of his mouth to make sure he was still breathing.</p><p>"Kill me…" he whispered, his eyes swollen shut by now.</p><p>I bent at the waist. "What was that?"</p><p>"Kill me… bitch."</p><p>"Good to know you're still in there, Kenshin." I straightened. "I won't kill you unless you stand up."</p><p>He winced and another whimper escaped. "I can't."</p><p>"Sure you can! I could after you left me bloody and burning in the dirt." He dragged in a couple of deep, wheezing breaths and rolled over onto his side. After a few seconds he gripped his fingers into the earth and pushed his body up, only to fall back to the ground with a whine. "That was pathetic. Do you want me to kill you on your back?"</p><p>He was trying to lift himself up again when a sudden shout behind me turned my fiery blood to ice.</p><p>"Rei!"</p><p>I stopped breathing as I turned my torso to see him. Zuko stood just a few paces behind me, his mouth open in horror. Behind him, a huge bison was panting, its head bent between its front legs. My eyes widened at the Avatar's gargantuan animal, but Zuko's voice brought my stare back to him. "Rei," he whispered, "what are you doing?" The shock of seeing him was holding me prisoner. I couldn't answer him, I couldn't even think. Zuko's eyes moved from my face and down to Kenshin's. His eyes flicked along the captain's broken body and back to me. "Spirits, what have you done?"</p><p>"What I said I would do," I finally answered. "How… why are you here?"</p><p>His jaw clenched and I saw him swallow hard before he held up his hands as if to surrender. "Rei, please. Let him go." Now my mouth fell open as his slow steps brought him closer. "You don't have to do this. It won't help, please don't do this."</p><p>I took a quick step back, away from Zuko. "Don't say that to me! You're the one who made it possible. You helped me do this, Zuko."</p><p>"I know I did, and I'll regret it until the day I die." He kept creeping closer, and I kept moving back. "But you can still walk away. You can still save both of us."</p><p>"Why are you here!" I shouted.</p><p>"Because I love you, and I can't let you do this to yourself!" he shouted back.</p><p>A fat tear fell from my eye. "I already told you—"</p><p>"I don't care, it doesn't change what I feel. Rei, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I set you down this path, it was wrong. I was wrong. This isn't the answer. Trust me, this won't help you, it'll only make everything worse. Your bending shouldn't be used like this, so angry. Listen, I've learned so much and I can help you see what I see now…"</p><p>I turned my back and walked around Kenshin so that I could crouch behind him. My fingers tangled in his hair, wet with blood and sweat, and I jerked his head upward so that his neck was exposed. He didn't fight me and I looked back to Zuko. "How can you stand there and lecture me? You know exactly why I'm doing this."</p><p>Zuko scrunched up his face with the effort of what he was trying to say. "No, I don't! Rei, he doesn't deserve this, nobody does. I know that he hurt you, that he destroyed your home, but, Spirits, look what you're doing!" His arm gestured sharply to Kenshin. "Do you really think this is right?"</p><p>My blood cooled and I was calm when I said, "He didn't just hurt me. He made me feel weak, helpless, and worthless. Just like the Fire Nation did to this entire kingdom. Fucking soldiers. They think everything they do is right because it's approved by some overlord, but it's not. There's no humanity left in this one," I shook Kenshin's head and a hiss escaped his lips, "he should be punished and he doesn't understand anything but this."</p><p>Tears were rolling down Zuko's face now. "It'll destroy you, Rei."</p><p>"I don't care. It already has." Zuko was one of them after all; of course he wouldn't stick to his word. It shocked me that I was still surprised. Every single one of those damn Fire Nation bastards was so selfish, down to their very cores. He would change his mind to satisfy his own sense of superiority, he'd certainly done it before. He thought he was better than me, now? Why, because he was too weak to do what he'd promised his nation and family he would? Because he'd switched sides in a war just because he got squeamish? He didn't realize that it wasn't the Fire Nation I hated. It was the weak, selfish soldiers they churned out. Just like Kenshin, just like Zuko, just like my father. Too stupid to realize they're wrong, too weak to stick to their commitments, too self-centered to know he would destroy his family in his desire for happiness. My father's face flashed before my eyes and my eyes blurred with angry tears. I saw my mother wasting away with grief, her daughter going to bed hungry until she learned to feed herself. I brought my free hand up behind my head and slammed it down, the flames engulfing the edge of my hand, acting as a blade.</p><p>"No!" Zuko screamed, but it was already too late. The blood ran down my palm and I never knew relief so consuming as I stared down at Kenshin's head lying two feet from the rest of his body.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If any of you are confused about the timeline, the events of the show were continuing while Rei was travelling to her village, so Zuko has joined Team Avatar and met the dragons by the time she finally confronts Kenshin.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. The Tea Shop</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Enjoy some of Zuko's POV!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko</p><p> </p><p>It was hard to believe that I was actually there, the throne room. The last time I stood in front of those fiery steps, I was looking up at my father, listening to his and Azula's terrible plan of destruction. I took a breath and climbed, stood in front of the golden seat. The arm rests were cold and hard under my hands as I leaned forward, my eyes closed against the memories, my jaw clenched in disgust. Was this where Azulon thought up his plans, too? Did he sit in this chair and decide that the rest of the world should be under his control? I guess it didn't matter. The throne was mine and the only thing that mattered now was the decisions I made there. And they'd be good ones.</p><p>"You know, there is a party going on outside," a soft, playful voice floated over to me. The corner of my mouth lifted, chasing away my serious thoughts.</p><p>"I've heard." I straightened and made my way down toward the doorway where she stood illuminated by the sun. Her arms opened and I didn't hesitate to walk into them. I buried my face in her hair and breathed deep. Lavender soap and just a hint of sharp oil, used to keep her knives clean. A scent that would always bring me a sense of peace and safety. Her fingers traced the hairline at the back of my neck and I sighed. "We should go back to Ember Island," I said.</p><p>"Hmm. Maybe after things quiet down again. I have a feeling you're going to be very busy for a while. What, with your new nation and all." She chuckled into my shoulder.</p><p>"I just hope I'm ready for it."</p><p>"Alright enough with the seriousness. It's time." Mai drew back and smirked, the closest she ever got to smiling. She adjusted my formal robes and then took my hand to lead me toward the balconies. My public stood waiting to hear how the new Firelord would lead everyone out of the war's end… through unity.</p><p>""""<br/>           Rei</p><p>He looked so different. Something about the way he stood up there, looking down at all of us. His hair was pulled up into a bun, golden flames peeking out the top. His long robes should have looked ridiculously big, like a kid playing dress up, but they looked regal. I glanced around at the crowd gathered in the square and counted citizens from each nation, even the Water Tribe. Everyone was so happy; hopeful. The war was over and we could look forward to peace together. At least, that's what Zuko was saying. I thought seeing him would be painful, but I didn't really feel anything. I hadn't for a while. My heart beat a little faster at seeing the Avatar, but mostly because I'd spent so long considering him a legend. It was odd to see a child up there, a child that had saved the world and changed Zuko so completely. It was a strange idea, like trying to fit a hurricane into a shoebox.</p><p>My first real emotion in a long time came at the end of the applause, when Zuko and the Avatar had made their speeches and the crowd got their chance to worship them. Zuko glanced behind him and though I couldn't see his face very well from the distance, I could tell he was smiling. A tall woman, black hair and black silk robes, stepped out from the darkness and stood beside him. His arm dropped around her shoulders and he turned back to the crowd, holding her against him. The future Lady of the Fire Nation. I hadn't thought to feel anything, but jealousy surged through me, familiar and true.</p><p>"You were wrong. I'm leaving," I turned to say to the man beside me. His kind brown eyes widened with sympathy.</p><p>"Rei, I'm sorry—"</p><p>"It's alright, Tomi. I get what you were trying to do, but I told you it wouldn't change anything. I'll write when I can." My eyes shifted to the taller man behind him. "You take care of him, Nobu. He's very sensitive," I said with a smirk. Nobu chuckled and took Tomi's hand, but Tomi's eyes remained serious.</p><p>"Aren't you even going to try to see him?" he asked.</p><p>I snorted. "Why the hell would I do that?"</p><p>""""</p><p>            Zuko</p><p>Ba Sing Se was always a peaceful place for me. I fought it in the beginning, like I do with everything, but now I truly enjoyed coming back here. Whenever I felt myself starting to get overwhelmed or frustrated with being Fire Lord, Ba Sing Se opened its walls to me. Inside Uncle's shop the bustling of the city outside quieted down and I felt like I could finally breathe. I changed into common Earth Kingdom robes and took my crown off, shedding the Firelord responsibilities and becoming a normal man again. I loved it, but I could never convince Mai to come with me. After everything, she was a Fire nation noble, through and through. That's something that would never change. I missed her on these visits, but she needed a break sometimes, too. Once in a while I could convince some of the old team to visit, but Aang liked to stay mobile, making sure the world stayed at peace. Katara, of course, went with him. Sokka, Toph, and Suki seemed to go their own ways and it'd been months since we'd all been able to meet for tea.</p><p>The Earth Kingdom is so different from the Fire Nation. Something about the people themselves… they seem calmer, life moves slower. I hated it when I'd first arrived, but then, I'd hated most things. Now it seemed peaceful. I always relaxed the moment the balloon touched Earth Kingdom land, then tensed for a while with her memory, then relaxed again. I had to work out a system for banishing her face from my mind because even after a year, she'd shove into my mind with no mercy, begging me to help her and blaming me for failing. I'd clench my fists, let my fire flare for a moment, and then let go. Usually, she burned away.</p><p>Uncle was busy with a customer when I walked into his teashop, so I went behind the counter to pour myself a cup. I peeked into his coin jar and rolled my eyes. He'd been undercharging again. As was becoming ritual, I dropped a few silvers in, nothing he would notice, but enough to keep him going. I turned to face the tables, leaned back against the counter, and smiled. Uncle was laughing, greeting his regulars. Hadn't even realized I was there, but that's fine. After everything he'd been through, everything I'd put him through, it was a gift to see him so happy. He wasn't expecting me to visit again so soon, but there was a lull between meetings at the palace and I had time.</p><p>I went to the back room to fix myself something to eat. Uncle had tried to sell food along with his tea, but that didn't last long. Mostly because his cooking was awful. I had no idea how the man could work miracles with tea and then serve biscuits that tasted like sugared dirt. I suggested getting a cook, but he didn't want the business getting too big. "It's a teashop, not a restaurant, Zuko," he'd say. The best response was always to shrug, take a sip of tea, and change the subject. The man had a vision, and it wasn't going to change. I grabbed a piece of fruit and pushed the curtains aside to enter the main seating area again when my heart dropped into my stomach and the fruit fell to the floor with a muffled thud.</p><p>""""<br/>             Rei</p><p>The teashop smelled delightful, like herbs and sweet smoke from the stoves. Out of all the places I've been, this shop was the closest I ever felt to a home. I heard Iroh's booming laugh the moment I stepped inside and my own smile answered. He was moving between tables, making sure everyone was enjoying the tea and having a good time. He looked so… unburdened. I stifled the envy and put myself between him and the next table. He was looking down and didn't notice, running smack into me.</p><p>"Oh, I'm so sorry!" He looked up at me and smiled in surprise. "Rei! I was expecting you yesterday." He laughed and brought me in for a hug. I stiffened in shock. I've visited a few times, but I didn't realize we were at a hugging point.</p><p>After a moment, I awkwardly put my arms around him. "Yeah, I ran into a bit of a rough patch coming from the Northern Tribe."</p><p>He pulled back and winced at me. "I don't suppose I should ask," he said, his voice low.</p><p>"Probably not."</p><p>He cleared his throat and smiled again, though it didn't look as easy as before. The only time I ever really felt ashamed was around Iroh. He was so good and I… well, there's a reason my visits were always short.</p><p>"Well, should we find a place to sit? Chen can handle the shop for a while." He waved at a young man sweeping over by the front door. Chen nodded and moved toward the teapots. Iroh took my elbow and led me toward the front of the shop, where there were a couple of empty tables. I eased my arm gently out of his grip with a grimace. It was nothing against Iroh, but I didn't like to be touched. We sat across from each other and I immediately started toying with the little menu of teas. As much as I liked Iroh, it took a little while for me to be comfortable sitting in a place like this.</p><p>"Rei, would you like some tea?"</p><p>"No, sorry. I'm okay, I have a water skin."</p><p>He chuckled. "Tea isn't for surviving, it's for living. For the soul, not the body."</p><p>"You should really start writing these things down, selling pamphlets or something. 'Iroh's Guide to Better Living.'"</p><p>I got a big-bellied laugh for that and I relaxed into my chair. "Rei, I've missed you! Have you thought about my offer?"</p><p>I rolled my eyes. "Not five minutes I've been here and you're starting already?"</p><p>"I only think that you would fit in well here. Chen could use some help and my apartment is more than big enough until you can find your own." He leaned in and lowered his voice. "You gave me shelter once, and I've been waiting to repay the favor."</p><p>"You don't owe me anything for that. Iroh, I'd lose my mind if I stayed here, you know that."</p><p>"I think that you believe you would. You travel around the world and back again, through little towns and big cities, never staying put long enough to grow roots. I've lived that life, Rei, it's a hard one and it takes a toll. The war is over, you don't have to keep running."</p><p>"You know, I think I will take that tea," I said with a sigh. We both made to rise, but I waved my hand at him. "Sit, sit. I can get it."</p><p>It wasn't until I'd almost reached the counter that I saw him. My eyes travelled from his Earth Kingdom sandals all the way up to his wide, golden eyes before my mind finally caught up and my mouth dropped open.</p><p>"What are you doing here?" he blurted.</p><p>I flinched back, my hand going to the counter for support. "I- you… Iroh. I'm here to see Iroh." I couldn't seem to look away from those gold eyes. Would they ever let me go?</p><p>At that moment, the man himself grunted behind me and laughed. "Zuko! How unexpected this is."</p><p>Zuko finally broke his gaze on me and looked over to his uncle. "I had a few days, thought I'd visit."</p><p>"Wonderful! Come, Rei and I were just sitting down to tea."</p><p>I hadn't told Iroh everything that had happened between Zuko and me, not even the details of what had happened with Kenshin. It seemed that Zuko hadn't either, which made this all the more uncomfortable.</p><p>I took a few quick steps back and said, "No, I'm intruding. You both need time to catch up."</p><p>"Rei, that's nonsense," Iroh said with a gentle smile. "Zuko visits all the time, I haven't seen you in months!"</p><p>"Maybe I should go," Zuko said quietly. "I should have written ahead, Uncle."</p><p>"Zuko, you don't need to—"</p><p>I put a hand on Iroh's shoulder. "I'll stay in Ba Sing Se for a few days, so I'll see you again before I leave," I told him. "Please, Zuko, stay. You're family." Before either could respond, I turned and walked quickly out of the shop. I kicked the leg of a table as I passed, causing the customer's tea to spill. I didn't pause long enough to apologize, I just kept running from those gold eyes.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Promise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is the last chapter, with one epilogue after.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I settled my back against the tree and stared up at the stars through the leaves. The moon was gone from the sky, leaving the night dim and chilly. I called my fire a little closer to the surface, letting it warm me. I'd start a fire soon so I wouldn't have to stay awake to concentrate the whole night… or maybe I wouldn't. I didn't like to sleep anymore- my nights were full of dreams. And I knew, after today's encounter in the tea shop, I would dream about gold eyes and fear. I hated fear. Wouldn't I ever escape him? I was getting so close; I hardly felt anything anymore. He wouldn't let me have even that? I could feel my hands shaking, and I brought them up in front of my face while my lungs filled with cold air and released steam. The fire roamed to my hands and they ignited. I focused on making the fire burn hotter, then diminish, over and over again. Light, dark, light, dark. After a few minutes, they were steady and the fear was almost gone.</p><p>I stared at the pile of wood at my feet and sighed. I'd be useless for the journey tomorrow if I didn't get some sleep, dreams or no. I'd pushed the fear and everything back, so now was as good a time as any. I didn't even feel any guilt for lying to Iroh about seeing him again. It was too risky now. He was smart enough, he probably knew I'd be gone by sunrise. Even if he didn't, it was a good thing, a good lesson for him. It wasn't fair to allow him to rely on someone like me. I pulled my sack to me and shoved it under the small of my back, getting some satisfaction from the sound of the coins jingling inside.</p><p>I'd just reached my hand toward the pile of logs when a rustling noise forced my arm to change direction. I shot to my feet and slid into a defensive stance, eyes searching the darkness. My breathing slowed as I tried to track the intruder's movements by sound. Every now and then I would hear a swish of a branch or a footfall, too heavy to be an animal. I stepped just as quietly back into the line of trees, keeping an eye on my rucksack, using it as bait. I hadn't expected thieves around Ba Sing Se, but I probably should have. They chose the wrong target tonight, though. I almost welcomed the fight and a smirk lifted the corners of my mouth.</p><p>Finally, I could make out a shadow just inside the trees. The moonlight was dim, but whoever it was was wearing the light green of the Earth Kingdom like an idiot. I circled around the small clearing, my practiced steps silent, until I was behind the intruder, who was bending down to pick up my bag. I waited until he'd risen and his hands were full before I sprang forward, catching his long hair in one hand and jerking him back to place my fiery other hand at his neck. My bag fell and burst open on the ground, spilling coins, cups, food, and clothes.</p><p>He yelled, "Stop!" and his voice shot ice through me. I released my hold on his hair and let him stumble forward.</p><p>"Zuko?" I breathed.</p><p>"Rei? I wasn't sure…" his voice trailed off and I had to shut my eyes against the sudden light as the logs at our feet burst into flame. He lowered his hand and blinked at me.</p><p>"How did you find me?"</p><p>"I sent men to the inns, but no one had seen you. My uncle suggested I try the forest." I wondered when I would stop underestimating that old man; Iroh always saw more than I thought he would. To buy some time before I had to respond, I bent to pick up the contents of my bag. A pair of pale hands joined mine, and I tightened my jaw against a flood of memories of those hands on my darker skin. Before I knew what I was doing, my eyes had flicked up and once again, I was caught in that golden gaze. His face was inches away and I clenched my teeth together, fighting to stay motionless. I was almost undone when his eyes moved to my lips, but then he cleared his voice, finished shoving the coins in my bag, and stood. My back straightened and the moment was over. I scolded myself for being stupid and weak. I threw my emotions into the pit I'd constructed months ago.</p><p>"Water tribe coins?" His face was stern, his voice hard. "You know it's illegal to have that much of another nation's money without exchanging it?"</p><p>I smirked up at him, my mask in place. "Kind of illegal for me to have it in the first place." I could see his jaw clenching and he shook his head. "You gonna arrest me, my lord?"</p><p>"Maybe I should," he said seriously.</p><p>I chuckled. "You won't. Come on, I gotta steal a living somehow."</p><p>His eyes slid to the fire and he shook his head. "What about healing?"</p><p>I grimaced before I could stop myself, but he wasn't looking at me anyway. "Kind of lost my touch for it." I tried to lighten my voice, "Besides, I've grown used to a certain level of comfort." I lifted my arms to gesture at my pathetic little campsite.</p><p>"So… what? You just don't care? You steal from people and you don't care?"</p><p>"Oh come on. What do you call taxes?" I laughed, but stopped quickly at the look in his eyes. It wasn't just disappointment it was… disgust. He was disgusted with me. After everything he'd done? "You have something you want to say?" I challenged.</p><p>He looked down for a few seconds before raising cold eyes to mine. "I know what you've been through, but I also know that you've had every opportunity to change it. I wanted to help you, Uncle wants to help you- that's why I'm here tonight, and you don't care. I feel sorry for you, Rei..."</p><p>I didn't feel much these days, but rage was always in my back pocket. I put up a hand to stop him. "Shut up! How dare you say that to me. You think that anything you do can possibly take back everything that you've done? So in the final hour you decided to turn your back on your family and join the good guys and that makes it okay that you spent your whole life before then killing and robbing and signing orders to kill and rob?"</p><p>"That makes no sense!" he shouted, then snapped his jaw shut and took a deep breath through his nose. When he spoke again, his anger was under the surface. "You've always accused me of so many things, and I used to think I deserved it, but I don't, not anymore. So don't you talk to me about loyalty. What, you'd respect me more if I had stayed loyal to my insane father? You're always searching for ways to hate me, only now I can see how far you have to reach!"</p><p>I'd taken a few steps closer, straining to pour my anger into him. "I don't have to be loyal to recognize it, or the lack of it, in others." I could see him breathing hard, restraining himself. He was angry, too, but I noticed something else in his eyes. The thought calmed me, and I felt like I could see him. I could see right through him, through all his desire to be a great leader and a great man and see that he was still just a prince. Still Fire Nation. My voice was quieter as I said, "You want me now, I can see it. You think you're so damn noble. Maybe you are, I don't know, I'm not a good judge. Maybe you are better than me, but that doesn't stop you from wanting me right now. What would the world think if they knew that the savior of everything good in the Fire Nation was ready to betray his wife -excuse me- fiancée? The future Fire Lady. Did you ever tell her about me?"</p><p>Zuko's eyes were frozen on mine as he winced at my words. I didn't know what I was saying anymore, I just knew that in the past year, I'd learned to rely on my instincts. So I let them have the stage for a while. "…Maybe you do have the right to judge me, though. Maybe some sins are greater than others, I don't know. Just seems hypocritical. Should we see, Zuko? Should we see how noble, how loyal you are?"</p><p>I grabbed either side of his face while he was still shocked by my words. He was unresisting as I pulled his face to mine, pressing my lips to him with all the passion I could muster. I'd show him how much integrity he had, how far his values would take him. He made a surprised noise like a grunt and stood still against me for a heartbeat. Then, his hands were at my waist and sliding up my back to press my body even tighter into his. His mouth opened to let me in and it was like I'd never left. We were back in the mountains, the smell of smoke and sea swirling around us. We were back before I'd killed Kenshin, before Zuko discovered how rotted I was, before I lost the healer. I could almost hear the waves, feel the moon on my skin, so bright in the open summer sky. Zuko was everything- the moon, the sea, the mountains, the fire. I wanted so badly to let him in like I used to, let him make me forget again. I tried to open that part of me. He still wanted me, that could be enough. Maybe he even loved me, though I doubted it. I don't care what I said, I couldn't let go of that again. He moaned into my mouth and I slid my arms around his neck, holding him to me. Don't let go, don't let go. I'd follow him. I'd been wandering for so long, I could wander with him. Through Ba Sing Se, through the Earth Kingdom, to the Fire Nation.</p><p>His hand snuck under my shirt to clutch at my bare waist, the touch sending shivers through me. This was no longer a battle of wills, it never was. I'd made this mistake before and I was stupid to think it could ever be different. He surrendered to me so completely that it broke me somewhere that I'd thought was long buried. Still, a part of me had hoped he wouldn't give in. That he would prove me wrong. I tried not to care, I really tried. I willed myself to just shut that part of me up that was screaming that he'd hurt me. Maybe he loved me, but it wasn't enough. I knew it, I always did, and I couldn't forget. I couldn't trust him to keep me safe, but what was worse… I knew that I would hurt him, too. Something in me was broken and it happened so gradually that I couldn't even see it happening. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone.</p><p>I tore my mouth from his at the realization. He let me go, but his mouth tried to follow mine for a second, as if pulled by a magnet, before he caught himself. I turned my back so that he wouldn't see my face crumple. I didn't cry, hadn't in months, but I could feel something like sobs trying to rake themselves out of my chest. I stomped them down as I tried to come to terms with myself. I was poison to him. Spirits, I was poison to everything.</p><p>"How do you manage to make me into someone I don't want to be," came his quiet voice from behind me.</p><p>I squeezed my eyes shut and hung my head. "I don't make you into anyone. All I do is make you honest." It wasn't love between us. Love can't be this destructive. I heard rustling behind me and as soon as I'd gotten my face under control, I turned to find him on his back next to the fire, his hands clutched in his hair. I felt more drained than I had in my life, and my arms seemed to weigh a hundred pounds, dragging my shoulders down with shame. My mind was moving slow, just drifting between guilt and numbness, so I didn't know my feet were moving until I was on my back next to him. We both stared up at the stars.</p><p>"Did you ever even love me?" His voice sounded so loud, though he'd barely whispered it.</p><p>"How could it possibly matter?"</p><p>"I need to know… that it wasn't for nothing."</p><p>"I loved you," I said to the sky.</p><p>"Me too."</p><p>We laid there for a long time, just staring up. At one point, his fingers snuck around mine, and I squeezed back. My eyes closed and I told myself to remember this. Don't ever forget the moment you decided to come back to life. When the first streaks of sunlight drifted over the trees, he let go of my hand and stood, brushing off his Earth Kingdom clothes. I watched him for a moment before rising, too.</p><p>He took a deep breath and met my eyes, which I could feel were still dull, groggy with everything I'd gone through. He winced a bit as he looked at me in the morning light. "You don't owe me anything, Rei, but I'm still going to ask you for something. You have to promise me that you'll try more. Please, let someone help you. Uncle and I…"</p><p>"I have some friends in the Fire Nation," I interrupted. "But you have to promise me something, too. Promise me I'll never see you again."</p><p>His eyes widened before his head dropped forward. When he raised it again, his eyes were clear and full of understanding. His hand came up to cup my cheek and I felt his thumb run along my skin. He leaned down and my eyes closed as his lips pressed lightly to my forehead. His hand left my cheek and I felt the air turn cold. When I opened my eyes, he was gone.</p><p>So I let him go. It killed me, but what I didn't realize at the time was what an important step it was. I couldn't remember the last time I'd put someone else before myself. He was making himself a better man, and I knew he'd be a great leader. A great husband, just not to me. I didn't regret learning from him, I didn't even regret what happened with Kenshin. I saw myself as a fair sacrifice for ridding the world of him. My only regret was making Zuko believe he was anything but good. I was his infection and you have to cut out infections. I could do that for him.</p><p>I wasn't sure how far I would take my promise. My word didn't mean much these days, but I would remember what I told myself that night. I'd decided to live again, though I couldn't say how long it would take to remember how. But I didn't have to do it alone. I remembered Tomi's warm smile and sighed. Who knew that my journey home would take me west, take me to the Fire Nation.</p><p>           THE END</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I tried to end it on a hopeful note for both Rei and Zuko. Based on past reviews, I know that some of you were probably expecting Zuko to end up with Rei, but let me explain why I chose to imply that he would stay with Mai, or at least someone like her. Mai's a good person! Remember when she chose Zuko over Azula and threw her knives at her and got arrested? Yeah, she's badass and I love her character. Zuko's pretty messed up himself, and I think Mai is the best person to help him. I think at the root of things, Zuko and Rei never really understood each other, but Mai and Zuko do. </p><p>There's one more chapter after this, which is less of an epilogue and more of a bonus chapter. It's from Zuko's point of view basically explaining his side of the story. I wrote it when I first started the story and referred back to it whenever I got stuck. It holds a special place in my heart, so I hope you enjoy it.</p><p>Thank you so much for reading, and a special thank you to everyone who comments!</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Zuko</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, like I said at the end of the last chapter, this is just a few pages telling the story from Zuko's point of view. It doesn't continue the story much, so hopefully this whole tale still fits nicely into the canon of the show. Thank you so much for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I fell in love with Mai so easily. It was nothing, it felt like taking a breath. Everything from the first time I noticed how her hair fell against the curve of her cheek to the last time we made love before I had to leave felt so natural, natural as anything. I thought I would be back home in no time. After all, I was a child then. I was a child who thought no one had managed to find the Avatar simply because they didn't want it as badly as I did. When I was banished, my life focused on nothing but the Avatar. I was possessed by that drive. Mai fell into that beautiful dream of everything that could be if I could just find him. Everything that could ever make up my future hinged on finding the Avatar. I needed to get home. I needed my father's approval and I needed my honor. I needed to show him that I could be the son he wanted me to be. It's funny, I never once doubted that I could regain his love, until I actually found the Avatar. That's when everything started to blur.</p><p>That dream started to feel so distant that at times I lost it completely. At first, it just hurt too much to think of home. But after months, then years, away it became second nature to think of everything there as lost. They called me a fugitive, a criminal, and I couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal. I never felt betrayed before then, even after my banishment. And it had been Azula who finally made me feel that way. My own sister. I'd known that she was cold and practical, but I could never do the things she does. She's just cruel. That's why I could understand what she'd done, even though I hated it, because I understood her. What made it a true betrayal was knowing that my father had always approved of everything that Azula did. If she made me a fugitive, my father's hand was signing the order. I moved even farther away from the Fire Nation.</p><p>Still, I longed for it. I never allowed myself any specifics, but I knew that going back meant going home. I had Uncle, but he wasn't my father. But after the attack from Azula, I knew I couldn't go home and it felt like a part of me died. I'd never get my honor back, I was nothing. I was mindless for a long time. I had no thoughts, just reactions. If I was hungry, I ate. If I was tired, I slept. If I was broke, I stole. If I was annoyed, I snapped. If I was sad, I snapped. If I was lonely, I snapped. All at Uncle.</p><p>When they attacked us in the woods that night, I actually relished the fight. Fighting was all instinct, it was easy. I'd practiced enough that my body just knew which moves to use, which ones would send fire right where I needed it. For the first time since the North Pole, really, I felt like I had a purpose. Uncle and I worked together seamlessly, but it wasn't enough. There were too many and I felt the heat from their fire slicing across me. I blacked out and I thought it was death that pulled me under. The last thought that went through me was "Good." I'd had enough.</p><p>I heard her voice first. It was low, but strong. My mother's face rushed into my mind as she spoke. I couldn't process her words, she was drifting in and out, but I focused on it as hard as I could. The focus brought me closer to the surface, but it also brought me closer to the pain. But my subconscious thought it was a fair price for hearing my mother's voice again. When my eyes opened and I saw that the owner of that voice was not my mother, I felt tricked. I clenched my jaw against the pain and slammed up my defenses. I didn't know her, and that made her an enemy.</p><p>Then, I did know her. Hours passed into days and her light brown hair seemed like it was made of charred gold. Her hazel eyes were honest, and bold, and they made me feel exposed. Her skin was darker than mine, than Mai's, almost the same color as her hair, and she seemed like the Earth Kingdom personified. The women I'd known had all been nobles, and they smelled like flowered soaps and silk. Rei smelled like earth and medicine. I found myself leaning in when she talked, following the sway of her hair when she moved. Something in me melted to her and she just became beautiful.</p><p>Kissing her felt like some kind of vindication. She was as far from the Fire Nation as I could get, but I wanted her. Nothing else mattered for the brief seconds when her lips were on mine and I felt everything in me come alive with longing. I'd felt it before, but I never thought I could feel it again. I don't know, when I kissed her, it felt like I could have a future again. Away from the Fire Nation. When I found out that she was a firebender, I was almost disappointed. I knew then that I was always going to be a part of it. I'd never be able to leave, not without cutting away a part of myself. I didn't regret leaving that hut, or her. It had been a reprieve, but nothing more. I hated myself for thinking I could ever completely escape. It wouldn't be the last time I tried to make a new life in the Earth Kingdom, but it was the last time I ever tried to hang onto my old one.</p><p>Ba Sing Se was simultaneously the happiest and saddest I'd ever been. After that fever, I'd accepted that I wouldn't capture the Avatar. I would spend the rest of my life with Uncle, making tea, but that wasn't such a bad thing. It wasn't the future I'd worked for, but it was a good one. I didn't have Mai, but I could have somebody. I worked in the shop and I bought food with the money I'd earned and when the shop was quiet and I could hear Uncle's snore in the next room, my thoughts sometimes drifted to the firebender from the Earth Kingdom. In the days when I was just a server in a tea shop, I wondered what would have happened if I'd met Rei then. If she'd come into our shop and ordered jasmine. Probably, I wouldn't have even looked twice. It wasn't beauty that drew me to her when I was injured, it was her presence, her voice, whatever you want to call it. She was vulnerable, but able to show it. That was a strength I'd never seen before. When the sun rose over Ba Sing Se and the residents started bustling around the city, that was when I thought about Mai. Mai rose with the sun for me, Rei with the moon.</p><p>Then, I betrayed that new life. I gave in to every bit of weakness and longing inside me and I betrayed Uncle. I didn't kill the Avatar, but I wished I had. That, at least, would have been a decision. I know Azula thinks I was weak for not taking the killing shot, for forcing her to do it, and I was. Even sending the combustion assassin after the Avatar was a weakness. I was afraid of what it would mean for me if the Avatar had survived the hit in Ba Sing Se, which I knew he had. What scared me even more than that was the little seed of relief that came with the realization that the Avatar was alive.</p><p>Then there were the welcome homes, the handshakes, the bows, the gratitude. Azula and I were heroes, and I had my father's approval. My honor. Only it didn't feel honorable. I had Mai, I had my family, I had everything, but I'd allowed Uncle to go to prison so that I could have my home back. I'd sacrificed him, and I couldn't get it out of my head. No amount of congratulations and nods from my father could erase the image of Uncle sitting in that terrible cell. Then, like a cruel punishment, I found her in the crowd during my victory parade. I was being showered with love and admiration and I met her eyes through the crowd and saw nothing but all the hatred and pain I ever felt for myself. Rei.</p><p>I don't know why I had to find her again. It was easy enough to do, and I didn't really give myself time to think about it. Once inside that pitiful shack, she seemed like the only bright spot in a sea of darkness. She glowed red and her eyes shined in the dim light just like I'd remembered them. I realized then that I had missed her, and I wanted her to know it. Then, she took all of my fears and doubts and laid them out like a bed of coals in front of me. She hated me, and I really understood why, but it didn't make it hurt any less. So, I did what I always do when I'm upset or thrown off guard. I snapped. I tried to leave her alone, I tried to walk away without looking back, but I couldn't. I told her I'd return, and I did. Things became so murky that I couldn't separate my feelings. I couldn't even tell what I felt guilty about anymore, because Rei's anger was so entwined with mine. I couldn't acknowledge that I cared about her, it was impossible. I had Mai.</p><p>I don't know why I offered to teach her firebending, I knew it was a bad idea. I knew that the more time I spent with her, the more that terrible longing would grow. I seemed to want her more because she hated me, just as much as I hated myself. I could feel her hate for me, and she wasn't trying to hide it, but I could see that fire in her eyes that I felt in my chest. She wanted me, too. I'd seen the look in Mai's eyes, and I couldn't help but compare the two women. I felt similar things for both, but they were so different. Mai was so reserved and I got such satisfaction from knowing that I was the only one who could get inside her walls, so similar to mine. Sex with her was like watching a flower bloom. I had to be patient, but it was so beautifully worth it to see her completely open. Rei was different. She was closed down, but for different reasons. The first time with her was explosive, unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I could feel her hate and anger with every kiss, every stroke. She never completely let me in, but that only made me want her more. I couldn't get enough, she was like some jewel I kept reaching for but never captured. She'd been hurt so badly and lost so much, and it wasn't that she was afraid to be hurt again. I think she expected to be hurt again. The reason she was so closed off was because she was so focused. I know about anger, and she had a lot of it. It's what made her a good bender. I thought that anger was the only thing that could make a powerful firebender, but I was wrong. Looking back, I think what I regret most when it comes to Rei is that I taught her how to channel her anger into her fire instead of working through it. It wasn't really my fault, I didn't know what firebending really was back then. Like Aang said, it's like a little life. Firebending is about life and warmth. If you let rage fuel your fire, it'll eventually consume you. Even after the war ended, that's something Rei just couldn't understand. She'd relied on her anger so completely for so long, that she couldn't manage without it. I could see it consuming her, but I couldn't do anything about it. She wouldn't let me.</p><p>I'd hold on to her in that little shack and I'd pray that she would give up this crazy revenge plan, but I knew she wouldn't. I knew, because it was the same obsession that drove me to hunt the Avatar for years. After a while, our goals started to skew away from each other. I was losing sight of why I wanted to live in the Fire Nation with my father. I was starting to see the cruelty, the ignorance. Then, that meeting with the military leaders. The plan was so asinine, so terribly evil, I knew then that I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay in the Fire Nation and still live with myself. I had to save whatever honor I had left. I knew Mai wouldn't leave, and it made me sick to leave her, but I didn't have much right to protect her anymore. I'd dishonored her, and I couldn't ask her to forgive me and leave her family. So, I went to Rei. I went to Rei because by then, she was as destroyed as I was. She was as selfish, as cruel. We deserved each other. And I loved her.</p><p>But she wouldn't go with me. I hadn't even doubted it, of course she would want to help the Avatar defeat the Fire Lord. But she didn't. She was so fixed on Kenshin. It seemed like she had all of her hate and fury focused on him, even though if she wanted to kill someone responsible for the state of the Earth Kingdom, it was the man in her bed almost every night. She wouldn't leave, and she told me that she didn't love me. It was convenient, made her feel something beyond anger to be with me. She didn't want me forever, and I believed her. Who would want me? No one ever really had, not for exactly who I was. Mai loved the prince. After all, she hadn't followed me when I was banished. My family certainly only loved me when I was doing what they wanted me to do. I'd never known any different, not since my mother left. That's not true, Uncle loved me. But I'd thrown it away.</p><p>Still, it didn't change how I felt. I found the Avatar and after some convincing, he let me train him. I could feel the anger seeping out of me because I finally felt like I had a purpose. I knew what I had to do, and more importantly, I knew why. I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish, and I knew what I wanted for the future. I wanted a world that lived in peace. Training the Avatar, teaching him firebending, that was the path to achieving it. Only, it wouldn't work. My firebending came from rage, and my rage was gone. So, we found the dragons and learned the true method of firebending and I felt more complete than I ever had. I could feel the beginnings of a pure happiness I never thought I'd be able to feel. This newfound serenity and self-awareness brought my love for Rei into sharp focus. I couldn't let her sink any farther. I knew what would happen if she killed that man, I knew that she needed to break from her rage just like I did, or she'd be lost. I had to stop her.</p><p>But I couldn't. She's so stubborn, and no matter how much I loved her, she wasn't going to let anything keep her from her revenge. Not even me. I tried to tell her that it would only make the pain worse, that it wasn't any kind of justice, that it would suffocate her from the inside, but it didn't work. She killed him, and I saw the last sparks of the healer from the Earth Kingdom die with him. I couldn't watch it happen. I loved her too much to see the inevitable destruction. I knew she would never really be the girl I loved again. If she had only come with me, left him and everything in her past behind and come with me, I would never have let her go again. I'd have taught her how to let go of the anger and focus on the warmth and peace. On forgiveness. And I'd have loved her until I died. Given her everything, because she deserved it. Without the war, she would have been someone who saved lives, but because of my ancestors, and me, she was someone who took them. I couldn't watch it, so I left.</p><p>It was torture seeing her after the war ended. I was right to leave when I had, I was right to leave her to her destruction. Maybe it made me weak, but when I saw her again in Ba Sing Se, I didn't even know the woman in front of me, and I thanked the Spirits I hadn't had to see the last of her die. Seeing her always made me see the worst in me. I let her drag me back in even though I knew she wasn't the girl I fell in love with, I let her change me back into a man that would betray his fiancée. I would still have stayed with her that night. I was so grateful that she'd stopped it when she did, before I was lost. That gave me hope, and I tried to save her again, but she wouldn't let me… so I left. Again. I let her go, completely this time. I have to believe it's what we both needed. A part of me will always miss her, but I think we might have destroyed each other. When I left her in the woods outside Ba Sing Se, there was a spark of life in her eyes as I promised her she'd never see me again. I thank the Spirits for that spark, or I never would have been able to go.</p><p>Whenever I doubt myself, I always reach into the back of my desk drawer, pull out the worn piece of paper, and run my fingers over her words.</p><p>                                                                                                Zuko, just wanted to let you know that I'm keeping my promise.</p><p>                                                                                                                                 Thank you. I'm sorry.</p><p>                                                                                                                                               Rei</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked this story! Thanks for sticking with Rei and Zuko!</p>
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